Author: Girl Who Got Over Boy
In high school and college I watched my best friends get treated like shit by their boyfriends and hookup buddies. These guys would string the girls along for
the ride and then lie, disappear, ignore, manipulate, and cheat on them. I’ve even had a friend who was hit by a guy – yes, physically slapped. All of my friends’ stories scared me from ever letting guys in… and, if I eventually was to let a guy in, I swore I would never put myself in that position. Ever.
When a friend got her heart broken the first time, I would sympathize with her, give her advice, listen, let her cry, and offer up ways I could help her get over the piece of scum. But a day, a week, a month, or even six months later, she would go back to him. This was the case with all of my friends. They always went back to the
ex-boyfriend jerk who treated them like shit. I mean always. Sometimes the girls would go back two, three, four, even five times! And it was only a matter of these times until they had their hearts broken AGAIN and AGAIN. As a friend, I felt bad for them at first, but as time began to repeat itself, I just didn’t get it. I constantly thought to myself, “He hurt you once… WHY did you take him back?” I never understood how such smart girls could be so dumb.
As a 20-something post-grad, I still can’t answer that question. But now, I can definitely relate. For the past two years (yes – two), I’ve been put through the ringer emotionally with a guy – lets call him Brian – who I was hooking up with on and off. At first, it was fun. We enjoyed the company of one another, but neither of us wanted a relationship (you probably know where this going). However, we eventually started hanging out all the time and it led me to believe we were more than we were (of course). Brian played me time and time again. He was talking to other girls. He was still in love with his ex. He would ignore me one day… and talk to me the next. He lied to me constantly. And anytime he would screw up, he had ME apologizing by the end of the conversation.
I knew I needed to stop hanging out with Brian. Hell, I knew I needed to stop talking to him. But I couldn’t. And I eventually started to act like a crazy girlfriend… But the problem was that I was never his girlfriend. And as soon as he started to make it clear that he didn’t want a relationship, I snapped. He spent months messing with my mind. One week he wanted to be exclusive, and the next week he wanted to see other people. And after months of this back and forth bullshit, I started going through his phone when I was with him. And if he didn’t answer my phone calls, I would call or text him until he did. The more he pushed away, the more I was drawn to him. Sometimes, on my good days, I would feel strong and tell myself ‘you don’t need him!’… I would then end all communication with him, but the second he would ask me to hang out, I would go crawling back. It was pathetic. I let him have me anytime he wanted. I made it so he believed that I would always be there if he was lonely, bored, or didn’t find anyone else. And he had good reason to, because I was.
Eventually, after hearing friends repeat themselves – ‘Stop talking to him!‘ – and watching myself spiral violently out of control, I decided that was it and I cut Brian out of my life for MONTHS. I was done. Of course, I received the occasional text or phone call from him, but I never picked up or answered. I was over him. I wouldn’t allow myself to even speak to him. But the kid just wouldn’t give up. The second he knew I was over him, he wanted me back. It was a game to him. He wanted what he couldn’t have. And after not talking to him for almost six months, I caved and found myself listening to his BS speech about how he had changed and how he really wanted to be with me and how things would be different. So instead of standing my ground, I believed him and went crawling back. However, it didn’t take long for things to unravel and for him to break my heart and disappoint me AGAIN.
I haven’t talked to Brian since he last split my heart in two. Well, I did ask him to please not speak to me ever again… and I did block him from all forms of communication – e-mail, instant messenger, my phone, Facebook, even Twitter. And guess what? So far, so good. I haven’t heard from him on my phone. I haven’t seen his picture pop up on my Newsfeed. And I haven’t seen him tagged at that restaurant by my house that he loves.
So why are smart girls so dumb when it comes to guys? Well, we often want what we can’t have. We certainly can’t handle rejection (whether it happened in 5th grade gym class or now, by a boy). We are usually conceited and cocky, and find it hard to understand why a guy wouldn’t want to be with us. And when all our friends have boyfriends, we don’t want to be alone, so we push and we push for that one guy we have some sort of connection with (most often a bedroom connection) to date us. Because, right now, we don’t have anyone else.
If you’re one of the lucky ones who can’t relate to any of this and don’t understand why girls go cray cray over guys who don’t want to be with them, good for you. But don’t judge your girlfriends who are going through something similar to my situation because chances are – they are being manipulated by love or lust and simply cannot help the way they are acting. Now, if you are in the position I was in, know that you aren’t alone. You can reach out to your friends all you want, but they’ll just tell you what you don’t want to hear… and because of that, you probably won’t listen. You need to experience the ‘letting go’ and ‘moving on’ portion of it all – on your own. You have to come to terms with yourself and cut him out of your life no matter how hard he tries to come back in it, because a guy who never wanted you in the first place will most likely never change his ways… unless he shows up with flowers
and a ring at your doorstep asking you to marry him be his girlfriend.
Through all of this, I have learned that if a guy wants to be with you, he will. He won’t string you along for months – never mind two years – not putting a title on your (lack of) relationship. He will want to show you off to his friends – and eventually his family. He won’t be interested in seeing anyone else… and he certainly won’t want YOU seeing anyone else. I now know that you have to be strong in any kind of relationship (title or no title) – no matter what the power of love tells you to do.