How I Let Go of a Guy I Never Had

Author: Girl Who Got Over Boy

In high school and college I watched my best friends get treated like shit by their boyfriends and hookup buddies. These guys would string the girls along for the ride and then lie, disappear, ignore, manipulate, and cheat on them. I’ve even had a friend who was hit by a guy – yes, physically slapped. All of my friends’ stories scared me from ever letting guys in… and, if I eventually was to let a guy in, I swore I would never put myself in that position. Ever.

When a friend got her heart broken the first time, I would sympathize with her, give her advice, listen, let her cry, and offer up ways I could help her get over the piece of scum. But a day, a week, a month, or even six months later, she would go back to him. This was the case with all of my friends. They always went back to the ex-boyfriend jerk who treated them like shit. I mean always. Sometimes the girls would go back two, three, four, even five times! And it was only a matter of these times until they had their hearts broken AGAIN and AGAIN. As a friend, I felt bad for them at first, but as time began to repeat itself, I just didn’t get it. I constantly thought to myself, “He hurt you once… WHY did you take him back?” I never understood how such smart girls could be so dumb.

As a 20-something post-grad, I still can’t answer that question. But now, I can definitely relate. For the past two years (yes – two), I’ve been put through the ringer emotionally with a guy – lets call him Brian – who I was hooking up with on and off. At first, it was fun. We enjoyed the company of one another, but neither of us wanted a relationship (you probably know where this going). However, we eventually started hanging out all the time and it led me to believe we were more than we were (of course). Brian played me time and time again. He was talking to other girls. He was still in love with his ex. He would ignore me one day… and talk to me the next. He lied to me constantly. And anytime he would screw up, he had ME apologizing by the end of the conversation.

I knew I needed to stop hanging out with Brian. Hell, I knew I needed to stop talking to him. But I couldn’t. And I eventually started to act like a crazy girlfriend… But the problem was that I was never his girlfriend. And as soon as he started to make it clear that he didn’t want a relationship, I snapped. He spent months messing with my mind. One week he wanted to be exclusive, and the next week he wanted to see other people. And after months of this back and forth bullshit, I started going through his phone when I was with him. And if he didn’t answer my phone calls, I would call or text him until he did. The more he pushed away, the more I was drawn to him. Sometimes, on my good days, I would feel strong and tell myself ‘you don’t need him!’… I would then end all communication with him, but the second he would ask me to hang out, I would go crawling back. It was pathetic. I let him have me anytime he wanted. I made it so he believed that I would always be there if he was lonely, bored, or didn’t find anyone else. And he had good reason to, because I was.

Eventually, after hearing friends repeat themselves – ‘Stop talking to him!‘ – and watching myself spiral violently out of control, I decided that was it and I cut Brian out of my life for MONTHS. I was done. Of course, I received the occasional text or phone call from him, but I never picked up or answered. I was over him. I wouldn’t allow myself to even speak to him. But the kid just wouldn’t give up. The second he knew I was over him, he wanted me back. It was a game to him. He wanted what he couldn’t have. And after not talking to him for almost six months, I caved and found myself listening to his BS speech about how he had changed and how he really wanted to be with me and how things would be different. So instead of standing my ground, I believed him and went crawling back. However, it didn’t take long for things to unravel and for him to break my heart and disappoint me AGAIN.

I haven’t talked to Brian since he last split my heart in two. Well, I did ask him to please not speak to me ever again… and I did block him from all forms of communication – e-mail, instant messenger, my phone, Facebook, even Twitter. And guess what? So far, so good. I haven’t heard from him on my phone. I haven’t seen his picture pop up on my Newsfeed. And I haven’t seen him tagged at that restaurant by my house that he loves.

So why are smart girls so dumb when it comes to guys? Well, we often want what we can’t have. We certainly can’t handle rejection (whether it happened in 5th grade gym class or now, by a boy). We are usually conceited and cocky, and find it hard to understand why a guy wouldn’t want to be with us. And  when all our friends have boyfriends, we don’t want to be alone, so we push and we push for that one guy we have some sort of connection with (most often a bedroom connection) to date us. Because, right now, we don’t have anyone else.

If you’re one of the lucky ones who can’t relate to any of this and don’t understand why girls go cray cray over guys who don’t want to be with them, good for you. But don’t judge your girlfriends who are going through something similar to my situation because chances are – they are being manipulated by love or lust and simply cannot help the way they are acting. Now, if you are in the position I was in, know that you aren’t alone. You can reach out to your friends all you want, but they’ll just tell you what you don’t want to hear… and because of that, you probably won’t listen. You need to experience the ‘letting go’ and ‘moving on’ portion of it all – on your own. You have to come to terms with yourself and cut him out of your life no matter how hard he tries to come back in it, because a guy who never wanted you in the first place will most likely never change his ways… unless he shows up with flowers and a ring at your doorstep asking you to marry him be his girlfriend.

Through all of this, I have learned that if a guy wants to be with you, he will. He won’t string you along for months – never mind two years – not putting a title on your (lack of) relationship. He will want to show you off to his friends – and eventually his family. He won’t be interested in seeing anyone else… and he certainly won’t want YOU seeing anyone else. I now know that you have to be strong in any kind of relationship (title or no title) – no matter what the power of love tells you to do.

Samantha Matt

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still going. My first book, AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME, is coming out in January (you can buy it right now on Amazon or from your fave bookstore!). I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Writing is fun. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @20somethingproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

12 Comments
  1. I can relate to you, I was in a relationship. He led me to believe he wanted to be with me by the end, and said all the I love yous and we have a great relationship, to find him all of a sudden change, because he ended up kissing another girl whilst overseas. And also for him to suddenly tell me he was confused halfway through, like I am supposed to be a mind reader, and then ask if we could be best friends after?!?!? I let him spend time with me, call me and whatever for a month until I had enough. You just have to call it quits, because no woman can ever move on in 2 days. It takes probably a year or more. You did a very good thing for yourself and happy that you are letting yourself move on 🙂 even if he was never yours, he was a part of your life, and it’s never easy to forget.

    Looking for Brunettey

  2. i did the SAME THING for 2 and a half years. Except after I blocked him from everything, he created a new email address to email me from. And got a new number, convinced a mutual friend to give hm my number again, and still called/texted.

    Finally, after a year and a half apart with only attempts on his end and me not responding, I’m over him.

    I was actually just working on a post about how i knew it was finally over when I saw this 🙂

    http://www.therealpostgrad.com

  3. LOVE this post. Exactly what I went through, more than once. Glad to now know it means I’m SMART… and not alone. Thanks for writing.

  4. WOW! I really needed to read this. I’m glad I was smart enough to delete his number so I won’t be tempted to text him. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.^^

  5. I went through the exact same thing! We were together for about 2 years and there was never an official title, because he didnt want it, but there was also an agreement that there would be no one else for either one of us.

    To make a long story short,I asked him why things didnt work and his response was that I am the perfect person for him and would be the perfect wife but that hes in love with his ex still.

    I finally told him I cant do it anymore but I relapse every so often when it comes to answering texts and sending drunk texts.

    I guess its a work in progress.

  6. This happened to me and I’ve never gotten over it. He led me on for months, then when push came to shove I discovered he had a girlfriend. I have to see him EVERY day and it’s ruined my life and turned me into a paranoid nutcase about everything. Don’t let it happen to you. It is truly the most horrendous thing I’ve ever had to go through.

  7. Thank you for writing this, I’m going through this right now. It’s been over the course of about 2 and a half years with this guy, and it’s hard to deal with the absences. I always think, “Maybe if I give him some more time, he’ll realize how patient I’ve been and get his stuff together.” We’re still young, we shouldn’t have to wait for guys to grow up. Reading this I see that it happens a lot.

  8. It’s funny that I stumbled on this looking for an answer of exactly what I’m currently going thurno matter how hard you try peering yourself away from a thing called cancer, because eventually its a dead cell leading to no where u dtil find yourself hopeful thinkn something will change I feel exactly the same way n know what I needed to do but yet in still I feel lik nothing good every came outta it but a bad n painful big what if I dont get how ppl are cold hearted n could care less the true feelings u have well I thank you whoever u are because I for once needed this

  9. Thank you. You have no idea how good it feels right now for me to read this. Going through this as we speak. I had to cut the ties, it was time. It was a very similar destructive psudeo- relationship (because he would never commit, go figure) over the course of 4 years. We lived in different cities for most of it, but now we are practically neighbors and we are like strangers. He made so many promises and everything was a big lie, a joke. Its the rejection that I find the hardest pill to swallow. But there’s nothing “wrong” with any of us. It’s just accepting that not everyone is genuine in their intentions, and people lie. It’s a life lesson, but a tough one. Feels like such a waste of time. And yes, It really hurts, but I am just sick of the disappointment, and I want to be happy again. We all deserve to be happy. You nailed it, from the doing everything on his terms, to the difficulty of letting go. They always have a way of sucking us back in. It’s just time for it to stop. The good news is, with technology (although it can be a burden) can often be useful. New ways to instantly block someone on the iPhone is a feature I will for sure be using. Thank you for writing this, It makes me feel like i’m not alone, crazy and ridiculous.

  10. thankyou so much for writing this! I am currently in the process of trying to cut ties with a guy who’s been in my life for almost 2 years. He knew I liked him & led me a merry dance, flirting, telling me I was just his type but he had just come of a relationship with his girlfriend for over a year & wasn’t looking for anything. Fast forward a few months later, he’s got me in the bedroom but I’m not his girlfriend as he’s still not looking for that relationship, he wants some space. I guess I fooled myself that one day he’d wake up & text me that he wanted more which he hasn’t. Turns out he was still seeing his girlfriend whilst seeing me for a few months, his GF confronted me about it & told me she was finished with him. I should have ended things with him then and there but he called me telling me he was sorry. He continued to text me for four months almost every few days but we never saw one another except a hello as we both work in the same building but there’s a lot of people that work there so I only see him maybe a few times a week at most. Then out of the blue he wanted to see me & guess what… it all started up again. I was back as the girl that satisfied him sexually but as soon as it was done, he would make an excuse & leave. I felt used & knew what he was doing but I was still so invested in him I didn’t want to end things with him. The crunch point happened last night, he text me usual he wanted to come over & i waited for 2 hours for him to come over, he never showed. Then i got a text next morning that he was sorry but he “fell asleep”. It was 8pm & this guy has told me he suffers from insomnia plus it has happened once before. I never replied to his text & saw him later in the work but just ignored him. I googled him just out of curiosity & saw a dating profile listed for him on a site so clearly he’s looking for girls. I only would hear and see him once or twice a week & it only leads to the bedroom then he’s gone. I guess I feel used & questioning what made him want a relationship with his other girlfriends but why not me? He likes me and is attracted to me but am I not pretty enough, interesting enough for him to commit? I feel like a fool & a doormat & realised he’s the problem, not me. It’s sad as he’s the first guy I’ve really had any sort of relationship with but we were never in a relationship to begin with. I know I’m young & I don’t believe all men are the same but I just hope I can actually just end things with him now.

  11. June,
    Let him go!
    Unless you want to be caught up in a whirlwind of dysfunction until HE walks away from You!
    I am feeling the exact same way about a charming manipulator who thought he could charm my pants down.
    Im happy to say that I Never slept with him and Now Never Will!
    But it still hurts like heck!
    I have Blocked him.
    You should do the same.

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