A few years ago, I met this guy at a party. He seemed pretty normal, so we started hanging out. A short five days later, we were dating. At this point in my life, I had never met a boy who wanted to date me and not just hook up with me so I was ecstatic. When friends questioned why he asked me out so soon, I told them we had this crazy connection. I was convinced it was fate. I mean, what girl wouldn’t think that? So of course I stayed with the quick moving dude. And after months of serious dating, the guy turned on me, broke up with me, and immediately started dating someone else. I was devastated. Like in complete shock. But why? I knew it was coming. Or at least I should have from day one…
As this guy noticeably started to get bored with our relationship, I made myself believe that everything was fine. And when the breakup happened, I was convinced it came ‘out of nowhere’ … The only problem is that a break up rarely ever comes ‘out of nowhere.’ However we convince ourselves this because we don’t want to look and feel like idiots for staying with a guy who clearly didn’t want to be with us. Even if we really didn’t see it coming, he did. And when that happens, ‘out of nowhere‘ usually means ‘there’s someone else.’
There is always a reason for a break up – whether you want to admit it or not. So before you start creating faux relationships in your head, watch your back. I’m not staying to go into psycho stalker mode and creep through your bf’s text messages… I’m just saying to keep your guard up. Stay aware of what’s going on in your relationship and don’t pretend things are okay when they’re not. Here are some things to watch for in your relationship… and some things that should make you take action and end it.
Be Wary When…
-He is moving extremely fast. If you find a guy who wants to date you without knowing anything about you except what your info on Facebook says, be cautious. There’s no harm in taking it slow and waiting, say, a month or two (or three) before you become a real, live official item. Especially if he has moved quickly in past relationships. Maybe it will work out between the two of you… or maybe he will get bored quick and wife up another girl immed (like while you’re still dating).
-He talks about his ex on a regular basis. The only time it is okay to talk about an ex is when you’re talking about when you went to, let’s say, a different state and you have to say who was with you. If your current bf is talking about memories he had with his ex and – even worse – laughing while talking about such memories, you’ve got yourself an issue. So if you’re hearing her name far too many times or if he’s comparing her to you… you should prob re-evaluate your relationship. No one wants to be a rebound. Especially if the guy just can’t give her up – no matter how many rebounds he goes through.
-He isn’t introducing you to his friends and/or family. If he really likes you, he should want to show you off to everyone. So if you’re not meeting those who are close to him, it’s hard to wonder if they even know you exist. Is he hiding something from you? The same theory stands if he has no interest in meeting your family or ever hanging out with your friends. He should want to know where you came from.
-He hides his cell phone from you. The key to a great relationship is not hiding anything from each other. Of course you have your personal space, which has now turned into what lies beyond our password protected iPhones and our gmail accounts… and that should remain personal whether you are in a relationship or not. But if you pick your guy’s cell up off the ground to hand to him, or go to check the weather on his Droid, and he rips it out of your hands while yelling at you not to touch it… he most likely has something to hide in it. Now don’t go searching for answers… but if he’s got nothing to hide he shouldn’t have such a problem with you possibly seeing something on his phone (or email… or facebook… you get the point).
-He doesn’t tell you where he is or who he’s with when he’s not with you. Especially if you’re asking (because if you’re not, you probably don’t care that much about him to begin with). No, you don’t need to know every little detail about his life – like what he eats for dinner and when he stops by CVS to pick up some gum – but if he’s keeping nights out with friends from you or forgetting to tell you about ‘day trips with family’ (which could easily be a lie – who would forget to tell someone that?), he’s probably doing things that he can’t tell you he’s doing.
-You’re not having sex. If you’re not having sex – and it’s not because one of you is a virg until marriage – there is a problem. Especially if you were once having sex and then stopped. He is either 1) getting it from someone else or 2) bored with you… which will most likely lead to him getting it from someone else… whether that someone be of the male or female sex (you never know). In this situation just remember: every 20-something guy wants to f*ck. And if it’s not happening with his significant other, it’s happening with someone else. And if he doesn’t have a significant other, it’s happening with whoever he can get his hands on. Oh, and even if he has a significant other, he could still be having sex with someone else. Unfortunately you may never know. Until you wake up in the morning with HPV like Hannah from Girls. Oh well.
End It When…
-He stops saying ‘I love you.’ When the pet names stop and the ‘I love you‘ phrase goes away at the end of your nightly phone conv, you should probably not ignore this. It’s not normal. There’s probably a reason for it and it’s probably because he actually doesn’t love you anymore… or at least he doesn’t know if he loves you anymore. He could also be saying these things to someone else instead now.
-He verbally tells you he doesn’t know if he wants to be with you. If he likes you, he will want to be with you. If this happens, he is basically keeping you on a string just in case nothing better comes around. At least give him some time to figure it out while both of you are single. There’s no need to waste your time being strung along… That time could be spent finding someone who actually knows he wants to be with you.
-He stops making an effort. If you’re the one always texting and calling him first, stop doing it and see if he contacts you at all. Especially if he’s giving you one word answers (if he answers at all). If you’re actually in a relationship, he should want to talk to you. He should be making an effort too. A relationship works both ways. No one is ever too busy in a span of 24 hours to send one text or make one phone call. Remember that.
-You’re crying (almost) every day. No one deserves to cry that much. And if you’re in a relationship, you are supposed to have someone to keep you from crying. So if he’s provoking your tears on a regular basis, you can do better. As in find someone who doesn’t make you cry and only makes you happy.
-You find out he’s been lying to you… more than once. This should be obvious, but someone in love wants to believe whatever they want to believe – whether it’s true or not. Someone in love wants to believe their significant other will never lie to them again. But if you know he’s lied to you more than once, he will do it again. Even if it’s little white lies… If he can lie about something so stupid, imagine what he could lie about when it’s over something much bigger.
If any of these stick out to you, don’t just sit around and wait for it to get better (it won’t). Take action! Talk to him about it. Don’t be that girl who pretends everything is fine when it’s not. You deserve better. We all do!