So it’s happened yet again. Another year has come and gone so quickly that we’re all like WTF just happened? I feel like it was just yesterday I was in college crankin’ dat Soulja Boy in a basement at the ‘Football house’ decked in Forever 21’s latest fashion monstrosity and/or driving around campus blasting Rihanna’s Live Your Life smiling because MY LIFE WAS JUST SO FUCKING AWESOME. UGH. Well, those days have come and gone just like the past 365 days of post-grad meh. Here is a recap of what happened this year AKA all you need to remember as you enter 2013…
Hurricane Sandy. The damage will still exist in 2013… It’s not too late to help rebuild!
50 Shades of Grey. So many sexually frustrated mothers. So many.
Miley Cyrus got engaged. And then cut off all her hair.
The Olympics. Ryan Lochte had grillz and went on the fashion police with Joan Rivers. Gabby Douglas proved to be a better black person than Tyler Perry. And more.
Joe Paterno died and no one cared.
Whitney Houston died and people cared… for approximately three weeks.
KONY 2012. #Fail. Social media makes us care for a few seconds about random shit like, for instance, SOPA & PIPA. I don’t even remember what those things are, but I do remember that was the day they blacked out Wikipedia. I was pissed. As for KONY 2012, the documentary creator (I don’t even remember his name) made us care for a week, but when the time came to take action came everyone forgot. The guy in charge of it all was too busy running around with his dick out anyway. Seriously. He was.
A mom was pictured breastfeeding her 30 year old son (okay more like 7 year old son) on the cover of Time. This was not okay.
‘Sh*t ___ say’ videos were a thing. That was one nasty outbreak of viral vids.
Titanic 2. And no I don’t mean the movie. Last January, the cruise ship in Italy pulled a Titanic and started sinking. People died. This is, like, 2012. NOT OKAY. This is not okay.
Obama was re-elected and Mitt Romney had to go back home after trying to fire Big Bird… but… to which home did he go? For he has so many…
Memes. As seen above.
Snooki had a child. And Jersey Shore ended. Boo hoo.
Lady Gaga gained a bunch of weight. She was out of ideas for ways to get attention.
Lena Dunham got naked and fucked dudes on television and millions of people watched… and loved.
Taylor Swift is still a pedophile. She broke up with the 18 year old Kennedy kid and is now dating Harry Styles (what kind of name is that?) from One Direction who is also 18. But we do know that she is never ever ever ever getting back together with her ex. Which would be good if we knew which ex she actually meant.
Seal and Heidi divorced and people questioned the meaning of love. Why? I don’t know… but it was a pretty big deal for about five minutes.
The cat came out of the bag on Gossip Girl. XOXO, Dan Humphries.
Honey Boo Boo.
JT married JB. Every 20-something girl cried. BUT YOU WERE JUST DATING BRITNEY. WEREN’T YOU? WEREN’T YOU?
Suri Cruise is now a child of divorce. In New York City. Attending school… in a uniform! OH THE AGONY.
Justin and Selena broke up… but did they? Because he instagrammed a pic of her like six days ago.
Things went down overseas… North Korea launched some rocket, Kate Middleton got pregnant (and then her nurse killed herself thanks to Australia’s brilliant DJs), bad things happened in Libya, and shit went (and still is) going down in Syria. We are too wrapped up in our own lives to know what’s going on in the news though. Oh well… maybe next year.
Lance Armstrong is not the man we all thought he was.
Fat politicians became a thing. Okay, maybe that was just Chris Christie, but whatever.
Jessica Simpson tried to be an inspiration for fat people trying to lose weight… but isn’t because… SHE ONLY GOT FAT BECAUSE SHE HAD A FUCKING CHILD.
Hostess went bankrupt. Many fat people had their last Twinkie.
There have been 151 victims of mass shootings in 2012. May the movie goers in Colorado, the shoppers in Oregon, the small children and their teachers in Connecticut, and all the others who lost their lives going about their daily lives this year rest in peace.
Call Me Maybe.
And finally…. KIM KARDASHIAN IS PREGNANT WITH KANYE’S BABY. This was announced December 30th meaning 2013 will be one interesting year… and one interesting reality show. How much did E! pay them for this?