And just like that, the party was over.
What was once a pop culture phenomenon became a pop culture punching bag. The Situation went to rehab, Snooki got knocked up and the masses stopped caring.
If you missed it (and I’m sure most of you did), the last episode (ever) of Jersey Shore aired a few weeks ago. It truly marked the end of an era. To be honest, things probably haven’t been the same since Miami, definitely not since Italy, but the ride has certainly been memorable. The catchphrases, the fights, and even the duck phone will never be forgotten. The highest rated show in MTV history, this once mighty giant, went out quietly – the smush room left just as vacant as our TV’s will be without these eight guidos.
How do we say goodbye to the biggest reality show of our time? How can we properly commemorate the end of this era? With a running diary of the last episode. This is sure to be a teary situation:
0:15- Vinny has an idea (that production planted in him): “Let’s have a bonfire on the beach.” Vinny says the house is not done rocking and will go out like true champions. Vinny has been interesting this season. He famously left the show for a few episodes last season but has perhaps enjoyed this last season (and payday) more than anyone.
0:30- The last ever opening credits. These opening credits are iconic. Snooki is “going to Jersey Shore bitch!,” The Situation is showing his abs, Ronnie laughs like a maniac, Jenni looks nothing like she did three years ago, and Vinny does some weird eyebrow raise. The best part of the opening credits is definitely Deena, whose opening catchphrase is “You like the boobs?” Oh Deena.
1:35- The adventures of Pauly and Vinny was the proper way to open the final episode. Always when the show is at its funniest, these two keep it light. Pauly and Vinny picked up wood for the cast’s bonfire send-off and started the night off on a good note.
1:40-1:53- Vinny makes six jokes involving “wood.” All of these jokes are still better than Ronnie’s description of a NY bonfire as four crackheads standing around a barrel. You ever notice how Ronnie just starts laughing and stares at the camera after these prepared jokes? He’s trying really hard guys!
2:18-3:05- Pauly D and Vinny, we will miss you the most.
3:16- Ronnie is going to make a whole lot of Ron Ron juice. This is easily Ronnie’s best contribution to the show, Ron Ron juice. Unless you count the first two episodes of Miami when we were introduced to “Single Ronnie.” That guy knew how to party.
3:28- “Look at those meatball guns.” Has any catchphrase been abused more than “meatball?” It was funny at first, but it seems like every other word out of Deena’s mouth this season has been meatball. It’s been a tough season for her, probably because this one catchphrase was beaten into the ground back in Italy, lezbehonest.
3:50-3:53- “Oh yeah! Fire, yeah!”
4:19- Vinny’s mom, you are a champ! Do I agree with your family getting it’s own spin-off? No, not at all, but you can feed an army and you always have great eats. Good looks Vinny’s mom.
4:32- I don’t know why but I laugh everytime I see JWOWW’s dad.
4:36- Uncle Nino sighting. It’s not a party unless Uncle Nino is there.
5:00-5:20- Roger and Jionni arrive. First off, Roger is the fuckin man. RRRR-Roger that! Vinny sums this up best though as Roger, the biggest guy I have ever seen in my life arrives with the biggest bouquet of flowers I have ever seen in my life. Hiding behind him is little Jionni (whom Snooki affectionately calls Poop) with a much smaller and less masculine bouquet. Vinny rags on Jionni, like all the guys in the house do, but Jionni’s revenge is coming.
5:36- Mike is in the best shape of his life.
5:43- No, really, Mike is in the best shape of his life.
5:50- Mike looks better than he did when he was 24.
5:58-6:03- Mike works out all the time and jumps over garbage cans with no problem, like a grasshopper. Do grasshoppers jump over garbage cans? It doesn’t matter because Mike is in the best shape of his life.
6:05- Jionni asks nobody in particular if Roger can cover him. Cut to Ronnie making fun of Jionni, saying he has no chance of beating Roger.
6:12- Jionni turns that corner with speed and flies by Roger who can only look up at Snooki’s baby daddy holding the ball in the end zone. To be fair though, Jionni is 24 and Roger is 38 so I still say good effort Roger.
6:23- “Jionni is quick for a short kid. You think he’s faster than me?” Yes, Mike, he is definitely faster than you. But Mike wants to go up against Jionni. Back in Mike’s darker days (aka his Italian nightmare and season 5 downfall) he told everyone Snooki cheated on Jionni with him (which, lezbehonest, she most definitely did) and basically embarrassed Jionni for two seasons non-stop.
6:34- Mike is in the best shape of his life and has cat-like reflexes.
6:40- “He’s not gonna beat me.” (Btw, whoever threw that ball to Mike has the worst arm ever. Is Ronnie throwing that ball? Not saying he would have went past Jionni, but at least give the Sitch a chance!)
6:46- “That’s my man.” Yes, Snooki, that is your man. He takes his softball tournaments very seriously and knows everyone in Rivoli’s.
6:55- Mike is in the best shape of his life, he wants a rematch.
7:05- Be careful what you wish for. Jionni shakes Mike BAD and goes right by him. (I don’t get why Mike gives up on the play, he could have jumped to try to knock it away.)
7:12- Was Snooki watching this play on a monitor? Or do these people just always know where the cameras are?
The bonfire was all about alpha males and a Seinfeld-like turnout of all the guest stars (Thankfully, Mike dropped The Unit whose 15 minutes ran out in 5.) Jionni used his speed to catch a pass on Roger, blow past Mike (who is in the best shape of his life) and arouse Snooki who could only look to the camera, and flip her hair while telling us how hot it was. Snooki’s fiancee has to feel weird around these people so in a way this was cathartic for everyone. Also, Jionni said on “Snooki and JWOWW” that he wanted to race boats for a living, he is instant comedy.
First commercial- For people who lived on camera for six seasons, why are the guys so awkward when it’s live? This promo for the live reunion was just uncomfortable. The Situation flubbed almost every line he had and Ronnie might be the most unnatural person on camera, ever. Pauly and Vinny try to save the spot- it is after all t-shirt time. These guys went to the catchphrase well one time too many and this was just sad. The people I watched the finale with made me pause the show to ridicule just how bad this promo was and how awful they all looked. But still, they had to tell us it was t-shirt time.
7:55-9:40- Time for a trip down Ron and Sam memory lane featuring Sammi’s parents, Al and Angela, and Ron’s dad Ronald. Sam and Ronnie have been the bane of this show’s existence so let’s not waste too much time on them.
8:40- Al’s face says it all here. His daughter wants to move in with Ronnie. How much do you think Al hates Ronnie? If Ronnie was on fire would Al piss on him to put him out? I think he would just laugh, stand there and call up Pauly D to get some s’mores.
8:55- Ron’s dad Ronald. I don’t think Ronald hates Sammi, at least not like Al hates Ronnie. (Also Ronnie, stop saying shit or get off the pot- you and Sammi can move in together all you like, you are not getting a spin-off)
9:00- Ronald tells his son that he has the world at his hands right now and should enjoy it. Ronald could not be more right. It’s about as good as it is ever going to get right now for Ronnie. Ronald wants Ronnie to get off the pot, leave Sammi and get weird with a bunch of grenades. Ronald keeps it real.
9:40- Al might hate Ronnie but it looks like he is drinking Ron Ron juice in that red solo cop. Also, Al really hates being on camera. He is more uncomfortable on camera than Ronnie, maybe they can bond over this.
10:20- It is the last shift at the shore store and our last chance to see Danny horse around with the guys. Let’s take a minute to give Danny his props. Danny, you freaking genius! You let MTV film kids in your house and you became a millionaire. The Shore Store will be popular forever, he can rent that house out for obscene prices now and in general he played this like a true boss.
11:28- Danny’s gotta be honest- he loves these guys, but Mike drives him nuts. Give Mike a break, he’s at work. Is he working pressing t-shirts and making sales? No, he is working being creepy to girls ten years younger. Working on his game! Playas gotta play and I don’t know if you know this, but Mike is in the best shape of his life.
Random shore girl- “I want to go home.”
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino- “I want to go to your home as well.”
There’s the Sitch we all know and love. Also, Mike happens to always know where the camera is and is responsible for the best reactions shots on this show, by far.
12:08- Snooki wants her baby, Lorenzo to work at the Shore Store when he is old enough. I smell a reality show.
12:20- JWOWW and Sammi (seen ripping each other’s hair out in Seasons 2 and 3) go for a tan. As well all know by now, Mike’s would be paramour Paula runs that gauntlet. Paula is not there but her minions have a suspicious birthday gift from Paula to Mike, who is in the best shape of his life in case you didn’t know.
12:45- Sammi calling Mike and Paula crazy. That is the definition of the pot calling the kettle black.
14:05- Sammi and Jenni give Mike the birthday card and cake from Paula. Vinny reads the card (this dude can totally read) and deciphers what Paula’s “JK” really means. Foreboding!
14:28- Ronnie thinks it is a bad idea to eat the cake from Paula. When Ronnie starts making sense, you know it is time for this show to end.
15:10- The long-awaited return of the PRANK WAR CHAMPIONS. Pauly and Vinny run the pranks in this house.
15:35- Vinny’s genuine look to the camera after popping Sammi’s airbed is priceless.
16:08- Epic prank war fail. It’s too bad the guy’s last prank was busted, big time.
Side note- The best prank this show has ever seen was in the Season 5 finale. Pauly and Vinny made the inside the outside, the outside the inside and made the inside deck the outside deck and the outside deck the inside deck. It was magical.
16:16- Pauly D- “We always get it poppin.” This man was born for television
16:45- Sam and Ron come home hammered (must have been at Rivoli’s). Pauly and Vinny’s prank gone wrong leads to one more Ronnie and Sam throw down. What would the finale be without an epic Ron and Sam fight? They need their screen time damnit!
21:30- Pauly and Vinny’s dreams have come true. It’s a Ron and Sam fight. Time for popcorn.
Deena- “What’s going on?”
Jenni- (referring to Ron and Sam fight)- “Wathing a movie”
Deena- “Oh, what movie?”
Pauly D- “It’s a drama.”
22:40- I think Ronald got in Ronnie’s head about the whole Sammi thing. Is Ron Ron about to pull the chute?
24:20- Is it just me or is Sammi the normal one in this fight? Ronnie is crazy. When I’m agreeing with Sammi, you know it’s time for this show to end.
25:40- G.T.L. The Situation’s original catchphrase is the cast’s national past time. Even Vinny has gotten in on the act since Season 1, and the tanning salon is probably one of the most popular settings of the last season. (Seriously I think they are there more than Jenks or Captain Hooks, but definitely less than Karma or Rivoli’s.) But no GTL sesh is complete without Paula, who at this point got more screen time than Angelina ever managed. Mike did Paula dirty this season, introduced the term “pulling the chute” to the lexicon and it all blew up in the last episode.
26:23- How did Paula get Mike back? By having some dude T-BAG his birthday cake. I have a feeling T-BAG cake will not be a best-seller this holiday season.
26:44- “Seems like we got ourselves a nutty situation.” Ronnie is really trying.
28:28- Believe it or not Paula is the ultimate prank war champion. I loved Pauly’s initial reaction to go piss on her car, but she destroyed Mike and got the last laugh. I do like Vinny’s Gooey Vuiton suggestion though.
28:41- Deena had some of the nut cake. Of course she did.
29:40- Paula gives Mike some of his own medicine. Mike breaks the duck phone out of frustration, and also because he is in the best shape of his life.
30:55- On their last night in the Shore house, the gang reminisces. It starts to get really sad here, this is all coming to an end.
32:06- They actually showed the Snooki punch. Wow.
35:00- “There’s more Jersey Shore on the way, and it starts right now.” Okay guys, this is really ending.
35:27- Pauly’s final wake up call. The best one was the Snooki wake up. Pauly D, we will miss you.
38:43- Group hug. This house changed all their lives and they truly seem sad to see it all end.
39:17- JWOWW’s last confessional is so emotional and you can tell that she is one of the few who actually understands what is really happening.
39:46- As the gang puts their hands in to cheer JERSEY SHORE, the saddest song ever cues up. I don’t know what this song is, but you could put it in anything and it would be sad. This song should be in a movie.
39:53- Pauly D gets the last voiceover and it seems very fitting that he takes us out. Mike may have been the original breakout star, but Pauly has always been this show’s energy and has become the most popular one. Take it away DJ Pauly D.
“All good things have to come to an end, but the crazy memories that we have we’ll never forget. That house changed my life, those people changed my life. And even though its our last time together here in Seaside, I’ve made friendships I’m gonna keep for the rest of my life.”
Thanks for the memories, Jersey Shore cast. It’s been quite a ride.