Girls Recap: Republicans, Gays, and Police — Oh My!

If you were too busy watching football or drinking (because today is supposedly a holiday), you probably missed last night’s episode of Girls. Even if you watched it, you are probably itching to discuss the disaster that was Hannah’s shorteralls and are dying to find out whether or not Adam is going to kill someone (himself included). Here’s what went down in hipster Brooklyn last night — questions and comments included.

First of all, can we please discuss the fact that Elijah’s BF is like 50?

Elijah is way too good looking to be wasting his 20-something time on an unattractive, old boring person named George (such an old person name). Especially if he’s bi confused — which he very well might be seeing as he had sex with Marnie last week. Or kind of had sex… as Elijah explained to George while trying to convince him not to end their relationship, ‘It was like 2 and a half pumps and I lost my boner.’ Who. says. pumps? Also, George is still using hotmail. That is a problem in itself.

Bye Bye Sandy

Hannah is upset that Sandy has supposedly been too busy to read her essays. She tells Jessa about it, and the newly-romantic responds ‘If he’s not reading your essays, he’s not reading you.’ NOTE TO MY OWN BOYFRIEND: This is why you should read my blog. We later find out that Sandy did actually read it… but didn’t think it was for him. The only good thing he has to say is that it was well written (duh). Hannah responds to the criticism by taking multiple digs at her black republican boyfriend’s views. She asks him how he feels about gay marriage and black people on death row, quotes Missy Elliot while saying she doesn’t know who Missy Elliot is (BS, Hannah… BS), and ends their fling because their beliefs are just too different. I have a feeling this is not the end of Sandy.

I love Mitt Romney.

Jessa’s Life Is Still Bizarre

Married-Jessa is living in a ridic pent house overlooking NYC. She is now an artist who lives off her husband’s money – but it’s okay because they have matching tiger tattoos. Thomas John gets Jessa puppies, which is nice, but how long were they in that box for?! Hannah, who is wearing ‘shorteralls’ names one of the puppies ‘Hannukah.’ But, like, WHAT are shorteralls??? Don’t you mean a romper, Hannah? And what are you doing in a romper anyway? Rompers are not for girls who aren’t stick thin. Especially rompers with patterns. #UGH.

Shosh Gets Marnie a ‘Pretty Girl Job’

Marnie is still living with Shoshana, which I don’t understand, because Shosh’s bed is, like, in the kitchen… and two people can’t possibly live in a studio apartment (or can they?). Marnie comes home from a job interview gone wrong (AKA she’s told she doesn’t belong in the art world), to find Shoshana and Ray (who are totally dating – or something) in bed together mid-day. They inform her that she’s really really ridiculous good looking and should do that for a living. ‘Do what?‘ Marnie asks… and they reply ‘be ridiculously good looking’ be a hostess. Shoshana then calls her friend from school to hook Marnie up with a pretty girl hostess job. Her conversation with this friend is one of the high points of the show. It goes as follows: ‘Hi-Denise-it’s-Shosh-how-are-you-I’m-amazing.’ Shoshana left no time to breath during that conversation never mind let someone else speak. Does Shoshana ever let anyone speak? Whatever. We still love her.

Marnie ends up getting the hostess job and apparently is going to make $400 dollars a day. Are you serious? Hannah thinks Marnie is ridiculous and should do what she wants – even if she’s only making $40 a day… like her. FORTY DOLLARS A DAY? How do you exist Hannah?

Adam Is The Creepiest Person Ever

Adam becomes increasingly creepy in this episode, starting with the video he emailed Hannah.

‘You destroyyyyyyyyed my heart… Thanks.’

This vid would have been hilarious if HBO didn’t tease it so much. Like, we already saw this. Elijah and Hannah watch the video in horror, debating whether or not Adam would be the type to murder someone (he totally would). Side note: Why is Hannah wearing an orange winter jacket with no sleeves in this scene? She’s inside. This ‘outfit’ made no sense. It looked like a confused prison jacket. Why would she even own that?

‘You don’t think I’m pretty enough for a pretty person job?’

Later on, while Hannah is attempting to cut her bangs in bed while watching a YouTube ‘tutorial,’ Adam shows up in Hannah’s bedroom unannounced screaming ‘cinco de mayo.’ Why? Is it supposed to be May 5th? I don’t get it. Scared that he’s going to murder her, Hannah goes to get Adam a glass of milk and casually dials 911. It’s okay though because she hangs up before it rings. Hannah then screams at Adam to go away (forever). As he sadly walks out of her apartment, the police enter the building asking Hannah why she called 911. Adam and Hannah then start fighting about the fact she called 911… and she says she just wanted to maybe get, like, a restraining order or something, NBD. Hannah – don’t you realize YOU are the reason Adam thinks it okay to keep coming back? For some reason, Adam gives the cops his name and they end up taking him to the station because he has two unpaid parking tickets and he once peed in public (the typical 20-something trifecta).

Basically, all we learned from last night’s ep is that Adam hates peeing in bathrooms and very well might be capable of murder (which is why Hannah never took her keys back from him… she’s asking for it). I’m still wondering what happened after Marnie’s sleepover with Charlie – because that happened. And I’m also still waiting for her to tell Hannah she fucked (ehhh I mean took 3 or 2 and 1/2 pumps from) her gay ex-boyfriend. Can’t wait for next week!

Samantha Matt

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still going. My first book, AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME, is coming out in January (you can buy it right now on Amazon or from your fave bookstore!). I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Writing is fun. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @20somethingproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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