Oscars Recap: Sock Puppets, Nipples, & A Whole Lot Of Singing

The 85th Academy Awards took place last night and any glamor Hollywood had in the past was completely lost. With songs about boobs and people falling on stairs, I felt like I was watching regular people in fancy outfits. And that’s because I was. Let’s be serious — No one is that good at making films or acting in them anymore. Old Hollywood is gone… but new Hollywood is kinda hilar. Last night’s extravaganza feature appearances by Anne Hathaway’s nipples, Michelle Obama’s bangs, a bored KStew, and scary music that frightened people into giving short acceptance speeches.

The Opening.

The show started with a horribly long and slightly painful opening. It was 17 minutes of Seth Macfarlane trying to figure out what to do in order to be the best Oscar host ever. We heard a song about boobs (Seth must have gotten help from Ben Stone’s ‘Flesh of the Stars’ website to make that song). We watched sock puppets do coke, which was awesome (except for the fact that I’m flying on Wednesday and there is a reason I never saw — or will ever see — Flight).

We listened to Tom Hansen sing (Summer must be really jealous now). And we saw Channing Tatum dance. But he didn’t take off his clothes while doing so, so that kind of sucked. The rest of the show featured Seth singing and telling many scripted jokes that he probably didn’t write. One joke was about the Kardashians and another was about John Wilkes Booth. I wonder how many people absolutely fucking hate him now because of the JWB joke… Oh well. Anyway, Seth’s funniest moment was when he Ted came out with Marky Mark and made Jew jokes. Because Seth is funniest when he is not being himself.

The Awards and Stuff.

As for the awards, the Academy was pretty nice this year and spread out their awards among a variety of movies, rather than giving like eight awards to only one. We first saw a bunch of randoms win awards for random things like stage design and other stuff that we don’t care about. We learned that white men with long white hair are really good at sound editing. Oh, and we found out that Charlize Theron lives next door to Quentin Tarantino. #Neighbors. #Casual.

But the night was really hi-jacked by singing. There was so much singing – and it was better than the music at the Grammy’s. Truth. Adele won an award because that’s what she does best and I developed a newfound love of the way she says ‘amazing.’ There was a performance from the Les Mis cast (who knew that one day Karen from Mean Girls would be singing on stage at the Oscars?!) and then a performance from Chicago because movies basically suck now so they feel like they have to bring back ones from a few years ago… Cath ZJ killed it though. And then J Hud stole her thunder claiming her spot as diva of the censh (that’s an abbreve for century). Remember when she was fat? Barbara Streisand also made an appearance and Jews everywhere rejoiced. Gotta love Babs. Oh, and some black woman came out and started singing some song about gold… And at that point I got angry because, like, I wanted to go to bed.

#DivaFriends

Finally we got to the big awards. Most importantly, best picture. Andddd surprise presenter Michelle Obama helped Jack Nicholson (who is still THE MAN) give the award to Argo, which was in all seriousness an amazing movie and the honor was well deserved. A coked out Baffleck rushed to the stage after hearing the news and spoke a mile a minute because some bearded dude (okay, another bearded dude) tried to steal his acceptance speech thunder. Ben gave quite possibly the best acceptance speech ever, comparing his marriage to work and telling us to get back up (or get knocked up – that’s what his wife did) when we get knocked down. He didn’t thank Matt Damon, though, which really bothered me. Are they in a fight? What’s going on? I need to know!

The Outfits.

Our worst dressed pick of the night went to… dun dun dun… Anne Hathaway. First, the nipples. She looked like a classy, unattractive fembot. Austin Powers wouldn’t even be into that. Second, the hair. Bieber called. He wants his wig back. And third, it’s Anne Hathaway. Need I say more? I guess she’s come a long way from Mia Thermopolis, though… But Mandy Moore is still hotter. While accepting her supporting actress (sorry Anne, not best actress), she exclaimed ‘it finally came true’ while petting her Oscar. What. The. Fuck.

Make way for me and my nipples!

Anyway, Anne Hathaway will always be that high school girl who thinks she’s the best thing ever, looks down on people who have social lives, and is hated by the entire drama club (including the teachers). SIGH.

Obv Jennifer Lawrence won our pick for best dressed in Dior Haute Couture (I could say that all day). JLaw won me over when she fell walking up to the stage to get her best actress award. Girl is a class act. Her tumble made me wonder how Lena Dunham didn’t fall on stage at the Golden Globes, but all this goes to show that despite the gowns and tuxedos celebs really are just like us! Wait, no they aren’t. Jennifer Lawrence also said the one person she wanted to meet last night was Al Roker. Wow, we actually would be friends. If only we lived in same ‘neck of the woods.’

Why can’t I look like this when I fall?

We also thought other people looked good. Naomi Watts and Nicole Kidman wore dresses from the future, which was pretty cool. Someone get me Naomi’s dress. Stat.

Helen Hunt wore H&fuckingM… and a casual million dollars worth of jewelry. So… is H&M coming out with a ball gown line? Like, where would I purchase such a dress?

Reese Witherspoon looked phenom because, well, she is. Loved the blue and the fact her 13 year old daughter picked it out. Whoever was directing the Oscars did a great job as they kept going back to shots of Reese. Love her. Elle Woods for president.

Kerry Washington is a hot slave — Thank God Jamie Fox freed her so she could grace us with her presence at the Oscars.

Amy Adams looked like she cut up a furry blanket to create her dress. Despite this, I secretly like it. She sure learned a lot from the muppets.

We also weren’t too sure about a lot of people… namely, Sally Field. I want to like it but I can’t. It’s like a nightgown exploded and is bleeding all over the red carpet. Note to self: do not wear the same color as the carpet.

Halle Berry — stripes galore. It didn’t do it for me.

Renee Zellweger — Landmine.

I don’t know who Naomie Harris is, but I can see her vag.

Brandi Glanville. OMG. Boobs. Why is she even there?

Oh and can we talk about the 9 year old who was nominated for an Oscar? Because she rocks. And I want a puppy purse.

So what did you think of last night’s extravagant event? What did you think of Seth? Was he better than Anne Hathaway? JOKE. Would you like to join our petition to get Tina and Amy to host next year? Let us know your thoughts!

Samantha Matt

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still going. My first book, AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME, is coming out in January (you can buy it right now on Amazon or from your fave bookstore!). I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Writing is fun. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @20somethingproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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