Pretty Little Liars Recap: It’s… Arrested Development?

Now the story of a single parent who stole a lot of money and ran over a cop without ever getting caught, and the one daughter who had no choice but to fuck everything up. It’s Arrested Development Pretty Little Liars.

Hannah: You can say you were set up to believe your mom killed Wilden, but YOU took a gun that your mom was hiding to a sorority party and tried to bury it in the open woods. So, my sympathy for you is lacking… but my sympathy for your poor mom is at an all time high. You caused this. Not A. Yes, A put the gun in your mom’s bag. But only because she knew you were a paranoid idiot. Soooo, no sympathy. Now your moms going to jail and you’re stuck with your dad who doesn’t even love you. Sad face.

Aria: You got away with dating your teacher, who had a son, and now that you’re broken up he’s still teaching you and that’s okay. Well, maybe it’s not okay, but no one seems to give a shit. So hey — getting called a slut in the guy’s locker room isn’t all that bad… right? It could be worse! Or wait, maybe it was pretty bad because your ex bf (and current teacher) was standing right behind you? But let’s be serious — you told him the ‘rumors’ had some truth to them, so you wanted him to know you kissed a child, didn’t you? And poor brother Mike has to deal with all of this! Was that him who attacked liar boy’s car though? Because it was probably A trying to frame Mike to get all of the family members in jail. UGH. Just sayin’.

In other news, how did Aria get over Ezra so fast? And where’s MAlcolm?

Emily: You always look so nervous! Although, I would be too if some freak was running around causing trouble with a mask of my face on… and a wig of my hair. Yeah, that’s pretty effed. But why are they trying to frame Em as guilty? Does A know something we don’t?

And umm, Emily is a close second to dumbest betch on the show for putting the video chip on that Motown-looking detective’s desk. Did she even check to see what was on the chip before doing so? And why didn’t it cross her mind that someone else may grab it if it’s sitting on an empty desk?

Spencer: If you have to go to terrifying places in order to have information to give your friends to get them to talk to you, that probably means no one really likes you… but hey, you do what you gotta do. Ugh, the Hastings. Spoby is soooooooo boring. Except they did travel to a place that wasn’t very boring, which I will describe to you below…

Ravenswood: A place where everything is in sepia and people have flip phones. You scared yet? Well, people there also frequent the cemetery while listening to creepy music that’s played through the town. And ravens cover the sky and sometimes come crashing down, dead and bloody. Normal, believable, and completely irrelevant to the life of Caleb who is apparently starring in the spinoff that will be based on the freak ass town. I am confused. I know things will make sense (maybe) soon, but… I don’t know.

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Last night’s episode of PLL was half aggravating/half terrifying. Aggravating because these girls are complete and total MORONS. And terrifying because Ravenswood was flat out scary. Here are this week’s questions. Hopefully they get answered… like ASAP. Because I don’t know how much longer I can keep watching (that’s a lie — I’ll watch as long as they let me… but, you get it).

1. Why did Mona look so ghetto? Is it because she’s not shopping with Hannah anymore?

2. Why did a dead raven fall from the sky?

3. What was with the flip phone? And the scary man and his big scissors?

4. Why was Shana in Rosewood? And why is she so damn good at playing that scary instrument?

5. Why does Carla Grunwald grandma betch remind me of Lucille Bluth? And… who is she?

6. Where is Caleb? And why is he going to Ravenswood? Is he associated with Ravenswood right now? Is he really a bad dude?

7. Who killed Wilden? (not Ashley… but she’s being blamed… and Spencer knows Melissa probably did… what a bad friend!)

8. WHO IS A? WHO IS WEARING THE MASKS?

Are you there A? It’s me, Sam. ANSWER MY QUESTIONS, you betch.

Samantha Matt

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still going. I like pizza, French fries, barre class, spinning, more pizza, more French fries, and clothes. I have a serious shopping problem. Writing is fun. Follow me on the twitter - @samanthamatt1.

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