So…That Happened: Chelsea Manning, Coffee Spray, and Freedom from Student Debt (lol jk)

Welcome back to So…That Happened…: Your Weekly News Roundup where, like rotten bananas becoming fresh-baked banana bread, we fill you in on all the news stories you missed this week.

Beginning on the world stage, Syria continues to depress and horrify. A possible chemical attack has killed an unknown-but-probably-staggering-number of people. At this point, it is still unclear what happened. The Syrian Opposition blames the government led by President Bashar al-Assad, and most of the world seems to agree with them. The U.N. is asking that investigators be allowed to enter the country, but so far that hasn’t happened. President Obama called the event a “grave concern“, though hasn’t said if the U.S. will intervene. If you’re concerned that the entire world is getting worse and nothing is getting better, you might be right.

Double Ugh!

Closer to home, Bradley Manning, the US Army soldier who leaked over 700,000 restricted documents to WikiLeaks, was sentenced to 35 years in prison (he is eligible for parole in 8 years). Less than 24 hours later, Manning released a statement announcing she identifies as a female and would like to be known as Chelsea Manning. She is currently seeking hormone replacement therapy, which the Army said it does not provide to prisoners. Manning’s lawyers are hoping to change that.

Nope...not a dude...
Nope, not a dude.

On Thursday, President Obama proposed a new college-ranking system that would hopefully help bring down tuition costs. The ranking system will take into account a school’s tuition, graduation rates, and student debt upon graduation and will eventually tie federal aid to school performance. Opinions on whether this is a good idea vary, and it’s unclear if we even have the data to create a this type of ranking. In any case, let’s be optimistic that future twenty-somethings will not die under a heaving lava-flow of student debt like the rest of us.

Yay! Wait...

Coffee addicts rejoice: spray-on caffeine will soon be a thing soon! Get ready to FREAK OUTTTT! As opposed to energy drinks and mainlining a triple-shot espresso, spray caffeine won’t give you a crazy-person jolt of energy; instead it will soak in to your skin through the course of the day and gradually make you feel more awake. You’re only supposed to have “four or five sprays, and no more than 20 per day” (hahaha I’ve already have forty!!!1! and I feel totally fine!!!!!)

Caffeine!

In sports, Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster totally beaned A-Rod on Monday night. At first it was kind of funny, especially since Dempster didn’t get thrown out of the game. But then, everyone was like “not cool bro” and it stopped being hilarious.

Dempster

And finally, in news that could prove once and for all that there is a merciful God, *NSYNC is maybe/maybe not reuniting at the VMAs. Despite the fact that there is not even a little bit of proof that they will perform, and despite Lance’s announcement that it’s all a rumor, I think we can agree that an *NSYNC reunion would be one of the greatest things to happen to humanity, rivaling the signing of the Magna Carta, the discovery of electricity, the Renaissance, and the moon landing.
Gif Created on Make A Gif
I know what I’m asking Santa for this year!

Thanks for joining us! We hope you’re feeling extra caught up and ready to dominate the Current Events category at your local pub trivia this week! See you next Friday!

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