2013 VMAs Recap: The Nutcracker Takes Molly, Nsync Appears (for a hot min), and Girls Continue To Love ‘The D’

“We’re Not In LA Anymore,” said the Red Carpet.

Brooklyn, you go hard. A red carpet surrounded by brownstones and real people without plastic surgery. WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Face, is that you?

The show opened with Face from Nick Jr — I mean Lady Gaga — singing a song… or something. She looked like a cross dresser, especially in that wig. But then she took off her clothes to reveal a beach themed bikini and kinda looked, dare I say it, good. She then sat down in her seat in said beach themed bikini. Like thong bikini. Like her ass was all over that seat. Weird.

1D has 5 Ds… and girls LOVE the D.

One Direction (that boy band young girls obsess over these days) was introduced on stage as follows: ‘Ladies and gentleman, from the One Direction movie, please welcome One Direction.’ WHY couldn’t they just be announced as ‘One Direction?’ Like obviously they are in the One Direction movie. That’s like introducing the Spice Girls as the group from Spice World. Fucking duh. Anyway, girls love ‘The D.’ That is all.

The Nutracker… On Molly

Twerkin’ with teddys…. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that… except that you need ass to twerk, so like how does Miley do it?

Basically, Miley might not be able to sing. And she might not be very talented (was she ever?). And she might not know what appropriate means. But she would prob be a blast at the bar. RIGHT? So, like, #LeaveMileyAlone interwebs. She’s just doing her, which she told us she was going to do in 2008 (at least that’s what her best friend Lesley said).

SHE’S JUST GETTING HER TWERK ON.

I mean, if I was on stage with Robin Thicke, I would probably be twerking on him too (and by twerking, I mean attempting to twerk — and that is not a pretty sight). As for this picture, Robin did say he has a big dick for ya… SO WHY NOT SCOPE THE SCENE?

For everyone surprised at Miley’s actions and ‘looks’ last night, you clearly have not seen a picture of the 20 year old in the past year. Her crazy haircut and weird as fuck rocker-edge debuted a looong time ago, and she’s since been seen twerking on beds, couches, floors, and on large stuffed teddy bears by millions of people in her latest music video (which is to a song originally written for Rihanna…). I was surprised at first, but not anymore. To me, she is not the girl who used to play Hannah Montana — she’s CRAZY Miley Cyrus… and THAT is exactly what she wants us to think. She’s trying to rid of the Hannah Montana image that her parents forced upon her — but she’s not doing it alone. She doesn’t write her own music. She doesn’t direct her own videos. She doesn’t choreograph or produce her own performances. There is an army of people behind her provoking this behavior — and they’re getting EXACTLY what they want. People are angry. People are outraged. And they’re TALKING. I’m talking. And I’ll continue to until the topic dies down because this is the type of stuff that gets hits… She (and her team) know what they’re doing. Just like Britney knew. The only difference was that we first met Britney when she was in a porn-tastic outfit consisting of a school girl uniform with her tiny stomach showing. Girl was always a slut. Miley — not so much — but she didn’t let her weird out until now and people are like BE NORMAL. The problem: She’s not.

Anyway, Buzzfeed is right when they say Miley looked exactly like Cynthia, Angelica’s doll from The Rugrats last night. Keep the freakiness coming.

After Miley went away, 2 Chainz came out… not wearing two chains. I will never understand his name. Ever.

SOMEONE GET KANYE HIS WAFFLE FRIES.

But seriously. Black guy in a forest. Jesus, Yeezus. You and Kim are really taking this ‘hiding’ thing seriously.

Taylor Swift is the Anne Hathaway of Music.

Meaning she’s talented, and she looks really effing good sometimes (like last night), but no one actually likes her. I mean, do we really believe her and Selena are friends? Doubtful.

Also, can we talk about why no one cares that Selena’s right breast was basically out? No? Okay.

In other news, HARRY. DOESN’T. CARE. THIS IS THE SECOND TIME YOU HAVE TAKEN A DIG AT YOUR EX ON STAGE AT AN AWARDS SHOW. AND IT’S BEEN A YEAR. You are famous. He is famous. We get it. For you, dissing him on stage in front of everyone at an awards show is the equivalent of a 16 year old writing a nasty Facebook status about an ex she broke up with last year. No one cares. Including your ex. He’s in One Direction. And he is probably getting laid every day.

Remember when Kanye dissed you on stage a few years ago? YOU ARE JUST AS BAD, IF NOT WORSE. I said it.

Justin Timberlake Performed…

…and I jizzed in my pants.

Yeah, he was in that video too.

And Then Nsync Appeared…

…and then they were gone faster than Beyonce waved off Kelly and Michelle during the Super Bowl. Meanwhile, One Direction was all like all like ‘who are these people?’

Chris Kirkpatrick — Still looking creepy as fuck 10+ years later.

JT, we know you’re the most talented human being in the world and you flawlessly performed your entire career in less than 15 minutes, but there was a part of your career that we keep very close to our hearts. You know, when your hair looked like spaghetti and you sang about space cowboys? Please — for the sake of humanity — consider a reunion tour with those fineeee fellows. Yes, we know you don’t really have the time… and yes we know you don’t NEED the publicity/money/whatever… but your fans need it. AND I MEAN NEED IT. So just, like, consider it. Sincerely, every 20-something girl who was cool enough to like Nsync more than BSB.

Props to Justin for doing absolutely no wrong ever (except the ramen noodle hair, but we forgive you for that). I mean, he’s so poised. When he won the ‘You Got Old’ award, did he thank Britney Spears because she launched his solo career (Cry Me A River)? No, because he’s an adult. Sorry, Tay.

Anyway, I hope all men start wearing suits and fedoras again because that is hot (leave it to JT, always bringing sexy back). Speaking of hot, did anyone else see that movie commercial with Joseph Gordon-Levitt? Because I jizzed in my pants yet AGAIN when I saw that. DATE ME, WILL YOU?

Oh, and where was Jessica Biel?

Macklemore is the Nice Girl Version of Eminem.

But really. We’ve come such a long way since the attack of the Slim Shadys in 2000. If you wanted street cred as a white rapper back then, you had to have a track on your album featuring something very vulgar, i.e. sound of you beating your wife. Now, you can just rap about being saving money at a thrift shop and equality for everyone and you can be a famous white rapper too. Oh, society.

Did Drake Really Start At The Bottom?

Answer: No. He was a child actor on Degrassi. You know who started from the bottom? Not Drake… Not Kanye… Not Macklemore… Effing Biggie. And he’s dead. Just sayin’.

Also, your whole team was not there last night. For once, embrace YOU, for you are the one performing after Justin Timberlake at the VMAs. Sorry about that…

Will Smith’s Kids Live in a Cave.

Why are your kids so SHOCKED at Miley’s performance? Namely, your son. It’s a girl. She’s shaking her ass. She’s dancing on a boy. I understand adults being shocked that Hannah Montana decided not to give a fuck anymore, but your kids? Why so sheltered?

Will Smith (why was he even there?) did give Bruno Mars his approval (he doesn’t have to swear to sell records either… see Eminem, Will Smith is not the only one). And he did give Gaga many a weird look. But that was probably because she was naked and sitting in front of him.

I Am Too Old For The VMAs.

This was a revelation had last night throughout the entire show. Here are the reasons why:

1. Song of the Summer = One Direction? Really? How did Blurred Lines not win? Is that a song for older people? Orrrrr did 1D win because some 13 y/o fan girl sat on her computer for days voting under different log ins? Probably that. Let’s be serious.

2. All the Crop Tops. Can I be young/small enough to wear a crop top too? No? Okay.

3. What is a Mahomie? There is really some young pop star out there who calls his fans ‘Mahomies’ after his last name? I mean, clever, but… you look like a douche. This kid is Bieber-in-training. Comes with Single Mom, fan club named after his last name, and a set of luscious locks. NOT AGAIN.

4. The show went past 11pm… and I wanted to go to sleep. WTF, WHY YOU ON SO LATE?

5. I had no interest in hearing Katy Perry ‘Roar.’ I mean, did you? Also, how is this her biggest hit? Is this song really that big? Am I THAT much out of the pop music loop? Or did Katy just pay MTV a lot of money to have her BFF Allison Williams say that? Not to mention, ‘Roar’ is a theme song for 16 year old girls. And I am nearly 10 years older than that. Le sigh.

But where was the EDM?

Until we meet again next year, VMAs…

Samantha Matt

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still going. My first book, AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME, is coming out in January (you can buy it right now on Amazon or from your fave bookstore!). I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Writing is fun. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @20somethingproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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