The 10 Rules of “Adult Halloween”

I was that girl in college.

The one who rocked Uggs and a North Face on walks to class. The one who wore dresses with no tights when it was below freezing and probably snowing. The one who gave in to “come over” texts sent at 2am. The one dressed as a slutty you-name-it on Halloween.

Oh, Halloween. The favorite holiday of every “that girl.” Being one of those girls, I celebrated the holiday just like rest of them. I was every cliche costume in the book. A football player, a crayon, a unicorn, a country, Tom Cruise from Risky Business. I was all of those and more with the word “slutty” in front of it.

I went to crowded frat parties. I roamed the streets dressed in ridiculous costumes with friends dressed the same. I posed for pictures in these outfits with strangers. I made out with boys in costumes just as ridiculous as mine — ones where I couldn’t make out what they actually looked like (for ex: Michael Jackson… to this day, I’m not sure I ever saw his real face). I even did a walk of shame dressed as a crayon.

I was normal. I guess.

But ever since I graduated college, being “that girl” hasn’t cut it — especially on Halloween. I can’t dress like a total and complete slut without being labeled immature and trashy anymore. I can only dress like a slut… a sophisticated slut… who’s costume comes equipped with wit, humor, and/or an aura that says “I-put-this-together-in-5-minutes-because-I’m-effing-busy-and-have-a-life.” It’s a different kind of holiday now, but it doesn’t have to suck. You just have to master the art of Adult Halloween… and of course, not be “that girl” anymore.

In order to have a successful Adult Halloween, you must follow these 10 rules:

1. Be one of the three S’s: Sexy, Silly, or Scary. Well, duh right? Bitches want to look good, so most use Halloween as an excuse to douse their faces in an unnecessary amount of makeup and rock things they secretly want to wear on a daily basis but would never actually wear, like fake eyelashes. They want to look sexy. And that is easy to do on Halloween. As an adult though you have to remember to be a little more tame than you were in college. You can’t have a co-worker glance at a photo of your casual nip slip shared on Facebook by a mutual friend. Make ’em perky… but don’t set ’em free.

Now if you’re not into being sexy, you could be something funny. Perhaps with a touch of pop culture? A government shutdown. A sharknado. Not Miley Cyrus, but her wrecking ball. Maybe you want to prove your wit to the land of social media… or maybe you haven’t worked out in two weeks because works been cray so you want to hide your bod… Whatever the case, clever and creative costumes are well respected among the Adult Halloween community. And then… there’s scary. Halloween is all about ghosts, witches, and horror movies. I’m not really sure how sluts got pulled into the mix. Possibly because they were the ones dying in the horror movies? Who knows. But you can dress scary if you want to. Cady Heron did.

2. Do not have more than two costumes. Having more than one costume is pushing it, so two is your limit. No one wants to look like they’re trying too hard. College kids dress up multiple weekends. You don’t. At least not anymore. The only reason you should have two costumes is if you have at least two parties planned. But let’s be serious… what 20-something has two parties to go to in the span of a week? None. Maybe you’ll have one party planned in advance for Halloween if you’re lucky. But the majority of us don’t have an effing clue what we’re going to do in our costumes this weekend.

3. Don’t spend too much money on your costume(s). You have to pay rent. And you have to pay for alcohol. You could get, like, four or five drinks for the price of one costume. That you will only wear once. Or twice. Don’t. do. it.

4. Be sexy, not slutty. A college girl will look slutty as hell on Halloween. Her costume will scream “Hey boys, who wants to fuck? Because I’m obv going to put out.” A post-college girl, though, will look different. She will still look hot, but her outfit will scream “Hey boys, I know you want to fuck me… but sorry, I already have a boyfriend.” or “Hey boys, I know I look good… buttttt I’m probably not going to put out tonight. Take me out for an expensive salad and then we’ll talk.” So, as a 20-something adult, you should make sure you look hot on Halloween. But don’t look like a slut. Sluts try too hard. And you don’t have time for that. Work is, like, soooooo busy.

They are TTH.

5. Don’t wear anything for Halloween that you don’t want to get ruined. Because it will get ruined. Let’s take an expensive suit for example. I don’t care if you need it to be Don Draper or Ron Burgundy. Even if you’re not a hot mess on Halloween, chances are everyone around you will be. Vodka, wine, beer… it will all be on your clothes the next day. If you have to buy something cheap, do it. That’s what garment districts are for.

6. Don’t try to be overly creative. Don’t think having a costume that people won’t get means you’re smart… it just means you’re trying too hard. See below:

Ughhhhhh.

7. Don’t lose your costume props at the bar. I lost an air guitar last year. Then I had nothing for Saturday. It was a sad day.

8. Don’t go home with a person who’s face is hidden behind a costume. This is self explanatory. I don’t care how many vodka red bulls you’ve had. He could have bad acne. Or he could try to kill you.

9. Don’t wear something that you would too embarrassed walking home in the next day. You never know where you’ll end up. Or who you’ll end up with. Walking the mean streets of your town or city is a little different than taking a stroll around your college campus.

10. Save whatever you wore for your costume! You never know when you’ll need a ridiculous blonde wig, mustache, or Mexican cape again. You might think I’m nuts, but someone just asked me for the tutu I wore last year. Damnnn girl, don’t you know I lost that at the bar?

So there you have it. 10 rules to ensure a safe and successful Adult Halloween. Enjoy.

Samantha Matt

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still going. My first book, AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME, is coming out in January (you can buy it right now on Amazon or from your fave bookstore!). I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Writing is fun. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @20somethingproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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