BREAKING: Kim Kardashian is Teaching Everyone How NOT to Dress

All I want in 2014 is for Taylor Swift to shut the fuck up and for Kim Kardashian to disappear.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t look as if either of these things will be happening any time soon, especially the latter.
Even though Kim has been jetting off to Paris on the reg to prepare for her annoyingly massive third wedding (this time to Kanye West), she’s somehow found time to cavort around Los Angelos  and annoy the entire world.
Most recently, Kim “Don’t Call Me Fat Even Though I Gained 40000 lbs While I Was Pregnant and Spent Basically A Year Trying to Get The Baby Weight Off While Photo Shopping Selfies to Trick People Into Thinking I’m Skinny” Kardashian was seen in LA wearing a cream colored turtle neck crop top and beige pants that were about 15 times too small.Kim Kardashian
A few things to be noted about this scenario:
1) What the fuck is going on with this crop top/turtleneck combo?  Was it her mom’s in the 80’s?  No wonder Anna Wintour wants her nowhere near Vogue – she seriously has no sense of style on her own.  The ability to hire a stylist does not a fashionista make – if this is Kardashian’s attempt at validating Kanye’s claims she should be a Vogue cover girl, it’s pathetic.

2)  WHY.  THOSE.  PANTS.  The only thing more boring than wearing cream is wearing a combination of cream and BEIGE.  Is she a fucking middle school vice principal?  Bitch, be real here.  We know you have no personality Kim, but there’s no reason to add insult to injury by dressing as plainly as you act.  Also, I would stick to black/grey/dark blue if I were you, it’s slimming.
3)  CLEARLY you’ve been photoshopping all of those Instagram pictures,  because YOU’RE PUTTING THE ASS IN MASSIVE.  Not only does your famous behind look huge in a bad way, but your muffin top is clearly visible and embarrassing.  Have you not figured out that you need to go up a size?  Did you not realize you should have opted for a pair of spanks and a long flow-y top instead of a FUCKING CROP TOP SWEATER?

Listen Kimmy, I hate you, I really fucking do.  I think this is just proof you should spend the neonths leading up to your May wedding in seclusion, doing a lot of cleanses and working out…if beige is unforgiving, I can’t imagine how unflattering white will look on you.  Maybe you and Rob can join forces and try to work out together?

Seriously.  WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING FATASS

.Kim Kardashian

Alex Engelbert

After graduating from Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizadry, and realizing her degree in The History of Magic was hardly applicable in any employable realm, Alex decided to stop doing acid and actually get a BA in English. A comedy writer living in Brooklyn, NY, Alex enjoys stalking ex-boyfriends, drinking coffee, plotting ways to meet Suri Cruise, and drinking cheap wine out of an over priced Crate and Barrel glass. Follow her on Twitter if you're entertained by hot messes @Alex_Engelbert.

1 Comment
  1. I always love reading your articles, but this one made me seriously cringe. Kim Kardashian is annoying as all hell (1,000% agreed on that point), but body shaming to showcase your disdain? Didn’t need to go there. Make fun of her hideously ill-fitting outfit til the cows come home (I’m there with you). Belittle her completely lacking sense of style. But criticizing her “4000 pound” pregnancy weight gain and telling her to invest in some spanx and a cleanse is just tacky. She clearly doesn’t have the perfect body, but who does? She may photoshop selfies or claim to have lost more weight than she did, but with half the world criticizing her for something as natural as pregnancy weight gain, who can blame her? You’re certainly welcome to your own opinion, but this one seems directly in opposition to many of your other posts. Don’t let your KK irritation lead to unfair judgments. Always a fan of your website, but not a fan of this misguided diatribe.

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