Coffee vs. Non-Coffee Drinkers

If you’re not waking up in the morning and heading straight to the coffee maker, or Starbucks on your way to work, you’re doing it wrong. In fact, one of my life goals is to get those people who don’t drink coffee to drink it. Not necessarily to like it, coffee is an acquired taste. But so far I am three-for-three, hopefully will be four-for-four in the near future.

There’s really no excuse to not drink coffee once you’ve exited puberty, because it will not stunt your growth anymore. That said, there are some key differences between those who enjoy a cup of joe and those who prefer soda, energy drinks or even worse, none of the above.

1. Coffee drinkers are sophisticated. Tell me ordering a soy chai latte or a caramel macchiato doesn’t sound like you’ve traveled the world. Then look at the person carrying a 20 ounce Mountain Dew. What does that say? This about sums it up:

Yeah, Boo. You rock that Special Juice.

2. I’ve found that non-coffee drinkers are often the ones who walk into work, slumped over, mumbling about how awful it was to get two hours of sleep. COFFEE IS LIQUID SLEEP SUBSTITUTE. That Dunkin/Starbucks/Tim Hortons/whatever cup is the starting line to your day; whereas that Coke or Red Bull will make you trip over a hurdle three hours later, when you fall into a sugar coma.

Non-Coffee Drinker:

No coffee apparently makes you a dwarf.

Coffee Drinker:

3. Building on point number 2, coffee drinkers appear more put together. Okay, only to an extent (see below.) Little Orphan Annie once said, “You’re never fully dressed without a smile.” What she really meant was “you’re never fully dressed without a paper cup in your hand.” (Or plastic, if iced coffee is your thing, or travel mug if you’re into being green or saving money.) Your cup is the perfect accessory to any outfit. It goes with everything.

Dissheveled, but bangin’ bangs and Sidekick.

4. Once you know coffee terms (ex. half caff, pour-over, red eye) you can definitely judge others based on their choices. For example…

Soy chai latte: This person may be lactose intolerant.

Red eye: What were you doing last night?

Mocha: You want to be reminded of your childhood: a cup of hot cocoa after sledding for hours, but you also want a jolt of caffeine.

Caramel Macchiato: The person who drinks this is a flawless angel. (Confession: this is my drink of choice when I have $4 lying around or if my credit card bill isn’t due for a few weeks.)

Decaf: Who are you kidding?

Although you can also judge people based on their alternative caffeinated beverages…

Coke: All-American.

Diet Coke: Mostly American, trying to be ‘healthier.’

Pepsi/Diet Pepsi: Get out.

Mountain Dew: This person enjoys video games and also candy. All the candy.

Red Bull: This person thinks energy comes in a can. Real talk: it doesn’t. It comes in a mug.

Five Hour Energy: This is someone who believes in miracles, and enjoys shots by night.

5. Coffee drinkers reap health benefits. What doesn’t coffee have? Protein, but that’s what meat and Greek yogurt are for. By drinking coffee, you are getting antioxidants, preventing Alzheimer’s and type 2 diabetes, and burning fat (I think). You are also giving yourself an internal hug if you’re outside in the winter. Additionally, coffee drinkers are happier. I’m not making that up. Real scientists found that out. What does soda have? Sugar. More sugar. Or sugar substitute.

Selfie props, anyone?

In conclusion, start drinking coffee. Yes, it will taste like dirt water at first. But yes, it will be worth it.

LizWitter

Liz Witter is a 2011 graduate of St. Bonaventure University where she majored in broadcast journalism with a (useless) minor in French. She is originally from Rochester, NY but moved to Boston for a job...then another job. She spends her free time sleeping, going to Sephora or doing crafts. She plays volleyball recreationally and refuses to believe she peaked in high school. She’ll take Tim Hortons over Dunkin, and Wegmans over basically anything. You can follow her on Twitter at @lwitta6.

11 Comments
  1. This is “to-a-tee” me in a nutshell with my love for coffee. Venti Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks with 1 extra shot, so amazing and that will have me happy ALL DAY..sometimes overflows into the next day!

  2. Funny stuff!

    Although you leave out people like me who don’t drink coffee, tea (a chai latte isn’t coffee) OR soda and still rock through our days like champions. 😛

  3. Yup, chai lattes have no coffee, I actually find the coffee drinkers are the ones who come to work slouched over, especially if they haven’t had their morning dose. Getting adequate sleep is better than drinking coffee.

  4. 1. Drinking coffee loaded with caramel and/or sugar is not exactly burning fat/healthy for you at all.
    2. You forgot the people who drink tea or maybe just a simple glass of water. Not everyone who doesn’t drink coffee drinks soda or redbull. And not everyone needs caffeine.
    3. Plenty of non-coffee drinkers still get to work on time/ready to work. *gasp*
    4. Plenty of coffee drinkers get to work groggy and grumpy and won’t accomplish anything until they drink their coffee first.

    Benefits of not drinking coffee: You don’t become dependent on caffeine to get things done, and your breath won’t smell like someone died in your mouth.

  5. Person make some good points, but its ridiculous to judge and be snobby to people because they don’t. I hope you joking about judging part, I believe in trying to follow the golden rule.

    1. This is highly sarcastic…I have no problem with people who don’t drink coffee! In fact, I don’t even drink it every day. I just meant if someone LOVES coffee, you know it. Thanks for reading!

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