Skills and Achievements I Wish I Could Put on a Resume

Since graduating high school in 2009 my life has been a series of “resume building activities.” If you think about it, yours has too. You went to college – you need a degree to put on your resume, you worked a shitty part time job – you need work experience to put on your resume, you did free labor – you needed to complete an internship to graduate and ultimately put it on your resume. See what I mean? You’ve spent your entire adult life building a resume. Even the job you are currently working, that’s probably just a resume builder. Are you going to be an administrative assistant for the rest of your life? Maybe, BUT you are viewing your current 9-5 as a great “resume builder” Probably – I’m right, I know I am.

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Alas, there’s that spot at the bottom of every resume where they ask for your special skills. Now a days it’s really hard to have a “special” skill.

Computer skills? It’s 2014 – everyone knows how to use a computer.

Typing? I learned how to type when I was in 4th Grade and AIM rose to popularity.

Word Processing? I went to college and wrote 40 page papers, I obviously know how to use Microsoft Word.

Public Speaking? It’s pretty much a requirement for General Education now…

You get my point. I find it really hard to impress potential employers with the “skills” that everyone and their mom has. In order to remind myself I have achieved things in life that are rather noteworthy, I have compiled a list of special skills and achievements that I wish I could put on my resume along with what I personally believe said skill says about me to my future employer.

Silver Medal in Summer Beer Olympics 2013. Event: Drunken Cartwheeler

Future Employer – Try it, it’s more difficult than it looks to land a cartwheel while narrowly escaping alcohol poisoning. I’m an extremely talented person.

Homecoming 2007 Pep Rally Hula Hoop Champ. Winning Time: 1 hour

Future Employer – I don’t know many people that can do this, just sayin…

Masters of Arts in False Eyelash Application

Future Employer – This showcases my ability to remain calm when in life threatening situations. I’ve never glued my own or anyone else’s eye shut… HIRE ME!

Magna Cum Laude in quoting the TV show “The OC”

Future Employer- Self-explanatory, I would seriously question your judgment if you decided to hire someone WITHOUT this skill #sethcohanforever

Certificate of Excellence – Extreme Snow Storm Driving

Future Employer – Do you know how hard it is to drive to work, in a snow storm, while in heals?

Certificate of Achievement – Ability to NOT Throw Up After Taking 4 Tequila Shots in an Hour

Future Employer – This shouldn’t say to you “this girl has a drinking problem” but instead “this girl is an over achiever.”

Ph.D. in Afternoon Napping

Future Employer – Extreme focus and ability to adapt to surrounding environment. This skill also symbolizes my relaxed easy going nature (yeah right, I’m a basket case!)

Nobel Prize in McDonald’s French Fry Consumption

Future Employer – When I was a young one, I couldn’t even finish a small fry. I always got full half way through and felt full, but now in my twenties I wolf down a large with ease – persistence people #cantstopwontstop

American Shower Idol Winner 2013

Future Employer – I sing in the shower, who doesn’t? I’m admitting to it on paper ie. I’m honest and won’t steal $$ from you.

Certificate of Excellence – Consistently Cutting Legs While Shaving

Future Employer – Once again, my persistence really shines. Even though I have excelled at cutting myself whilst shaving for most my life I refuse to let it go to my head. Practice makes perfect.

Gold Medal in the Power Shopping Olympics of 2010

Future Employer – I once dropped $104 at Victoria’s Secret in a mere 7 minutes at 8:50pm (the mall closed at 9). I think it’s obvious where I am going with this one… I work well under a time crunch.

ULTA Rewards Member Since 2009

Future Employer – I’m loyal. I’ve been shopping at ULTA since I got my first debit card in 2009.

Certificate of Completion – Home Nail Academy, Successfully Painting Nails Since 1999

Future Employer – When I have a passion for something it’s my duty to make it a part of my daily life. Going on 15 years of at home manicures… do I get a 401k package for that?

2011 Pulitzer Prize in Passive Aggressive Texting

Future Employer – I was hesitant putting this one on my Resume because it’s a fairly common skill for females. However, I felt I would be remiss for not including it. Everyone on the paternal side of my family has a 3rd Degree Black belt in Passive Aggression – I inherited this trait obvi.

Day Time Emmy 2013 for the Role of “Pretending NOT to be Broke”

Future Employer – In the business world sometimes you have to “Fake It ‘Till You Make It”… My ability to fake having money is impeccable. I have a great track record as well! I spend money I DON’T HAVE on: expensive shoes, alcohol, dinners, $45 dollar lip gloss…

Sundance Film Festival Winner 2014 – Video of Drunk Me Holding a Snake

Future Employer – I’m brave as fuck! Even when intoxicated. I’m also a risk taker.

Dear Future Employer, now that I’ve told you about my excessive spending habits, questionable drinking problem, questionable morals, laziness and shallow interest levels don’t you want to hire me?

No? Awww man!

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