Autumn: the time of year when we break out sweaters and boots, play in the leaves, drink Pumpkin Spice everything, and – lest we forget – pair up with another human for the chilly weather. That’s right – it’s cuffing season. Facebook feeds filled with new couples carving pumpkins, picking apples, and cuddling up by the fire pit roasting marshmallows. It’s enough to make the singles sick – or insanely jealous. Whatever.
I also don’t understand where this term of “cuffing” comes from. For years, it’s been called “cuddle” season. Why cuffing? That sounds like the 50 Shades of Gray version of autumn, no? Nonetheless, Urban Dictionary defines “cuffing season” thusly: “During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.” Yeah, that about sums it up, don’t you think?
Some of us, though, enjoy the solitude and quiet that comes along with winter weather and indoor activities. I mean, really, I’d rather be with someone during the summer when I can be hiking or fishing or whatever it is people do with their S/O in the summer, rather than be locked inside all winter with them. Then again, I suppose that I’m atypical in that I don’t partake in the hook-up culture and Jersey-turnpiking that tends to occur around my parts from Memorial Day to Labor Day.
Here’s the kicker that really gets me about this phenomenon: When the flowers start blooming and the umbrella margaritas start pouring, all of a sudden these “cuffed” people start to drift apart. They start going out with their friends and the S/O is nowhere to be found. I mean, really, you liked the other person enough to spend all winter with them, why not keep going strong into the summer? Oh, that’s right, because summertime brings tourists and foreigners who are clearly more fun, right? Ugh.
See, the whole “cuffing” thing aggravates me because – not to sound like the proverbial “basic bitch” – fall is my favorite time of year. Every year I hope to find a special someone to do all of the fall things with, but I also plan to keep him around for a while. Yes, even when my hood AKA the Jersey Shore is in all of its summer time glory. Instead I end up third-wheel apple picking and carving pumpkins with my dad.
I don’t know what I’m being punished for here: I behave ALL SUMMER LONG, working 14-hour days and FOR WHAT? To be alone all winter. Yes, clearly the universe is just.