4 Ways Halloween Makes Me Feel Old

It’s no secret that Halloween is just way more fun when you’re young. I remember getting so excited to dress up and beg random strangers for candy (it doesn’t sound so safe when you phrase it that way, does it?). Now, I’m at the age where apparently it’s not “socially acceptable” for me to Trick-or-Treat. Buzzkill. I’m thinking of starting my own Trick-or-Treat tradition for twenty somethings, where we can go door to door with an empty soup can and beg for student loan donations. I, for one, think that would be the ultimate treat.

Unfortunately, that tradition doesn’t exist yet, so Halloween is still just plain ol’ better when you’re a kid. This year, though, feels different. Halloween not only isn’t all that fun, but it makes me feel OLD. It’s like a haunting (see what I did there?) reminder that I’m no longer a kid and, even worse, I’m no longer in college. Here are just a few of the ways that Halloween makes me feel like an old person.

1. Candy makes me fat now.

halloweencandy

When I was a kid, I would absolutely gorge myself on my Halloween candy. I’m not kidding… I probably consumed 3,000 calories in candy alone, and that was just immediately after Trick-or-Treating. I remember conducting really complicated trades with my friends to get the types of candy that suited my very sophisticated, 8-year-old taste buds. My Halloween candy never lasted months like it did with other kids. I’d have my giant bucket polished off in two weeks tops. Now, I can’t even eat a single Tootsie Roll without resigning myself to the fact that I’ll need to wear elastic waist pants the rest of the week, because there’s no way in hell I’ll be buttoning my jeans. I miss you, childhood metabolism.

2. I no longer dress up.

baseballplayer

I haven’t dressed up for Halloween since college. I’ll blame this on a number of reasons. One is that I no longer go out for Halloween. Nobody I know throws Halloween parties, and the bars are always super crowded hot messes. And, there’s really no point in sitting home with my dogs dressed like Lady GaGa. So, alas, no costume. Secondly, trying to come up with a costume idea that is simultaneously witty and creative is just exhausting. Halloween in college was easy. You’d just wear as little clothing as possible and call it a costume. “Oh, I’m going as a baseball player.” Really? Because most baseball players I’ve seen wear pants.

3. I have to actually feed Trick-or-Treaters.

Trick-or-treaters

I’m a super grown up homeowner now, so I need to actually purchase candy to distribute to Trick-or-Treaters. Panic has ensued about not only how much candy to buy, but what kind. I have irrational fears about gaining a reputation of being the neighbor that hands out the gross candy. So, I just haven’t bought anything yet. I’ll probably make a snap decision in the aisle of Target and end up buying raisins or something, so then I can have a legion of angry adolescents egging my home. Goodie. I feel like I should still be the one saying “Trick or Treat”, and not the one answering the door.

4. My Facebook newsfeed is filled with babies.

babypumpkin

My newsfeed is absolutely filled with babies. Babies at pumpkin patches. Babies on hayrides. Babies dressed as tiny furry pumpkins. Babies sitting inside of pumpkins. There are babies everywhere. Just a couple of years ago these people were posting pictures of them doing keg stands dressed as slutty police officers or Waldo, and now they’re PARENTS?! Talk about feeling old.

So, maybe Halloween is way better when you’re a kid. That’s fine, because there are things that are better when you’re a twenty something too. Like St. Patrick’s Day. And New Years Eve. It may not be much, but we’ll take what we can get and run with it.

Kat Kuehl

Kat is a 2011 graduate of the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, where she got a B.A. in Communication and a minor in Journalism, Advertising and Media Studies (which is really just tacked on there to make her feel much more accomplished than she actually is). She now lives in the booming metropolis of Appleton, WI. When she's not working as a freelance writer, you can probably find her eating (YUM TACOS), attempting to plan her kick butt wedding (aka a lot of complaining, crying, wedding-hating) and talking in a really high pitched voice to her dogs. Crazy dog ladies, represent. You can watch her pretend her life is super put together on her blog at www.lemonadelinings.com or can follow her really entertaining (or so she likes to think) tweets at @kat_kuehl.

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