15 Things That Went Through My Mind When I Saw Kim Kardashian’s Butt

I would like to note that in the process of writing this my Safari browser window started spiraling out of control and I had to Force quit. Kim Kardashian temporarily broke my internet. And my concentration.

I arrived at work shortly after 9am with the hopes of having a productive morning. All of that was ruined around 10:30 when I logged into Facebook to discover that Kim Kardashian would not only take over my newsfeed, but my entire day.

I don’t care who you are, where you work, or how busy your schedule is, you took time out of your day to stare at this butt. If you haven’t, don’t worry, you won’t have to search for it. It will surely find you.

Here is what went through my mind this morning.

1. Ugh, another post about Kim Kardashian’s ass.

2. Seriously, don’t people care about anything else? There are so many more important issues we need to be thinking about.

3. FINE. I’ll click on the link and see what all the fuss is about.

4. 

WHAT.
WHAT.

5. 

SERIOUSLY. WHAT.
SERIOUSLY. WHAT.

6. IS THAT REAL?

7. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

It was at this point where I consulted the input of my coworkers, all of whom responded with a variety of  “What?!!” “NOOO”, “That’s not real”. This of course, prompted me to google “Kim Kardashian paper cover is her butt real”, where I found a variety of parodies, none of which topped Chelsea Handler’s:

WELL PLAYED HANDLER.
WELL PLAYED HANDLER.

My favorite moment was when I went to go to the bathroom my coworker Anthony stopped me and very seriously goes, “Wait, did you find out about the butt?”

When I returned I clicked on an actual link, and saw there was another image that I had missed. THE CHAMPAGNE GLASS.

8. THIS IS DEFYING THE LAWS OF PHYSICS.

9. It looks like a Christmas ham. I don’t even like ham, but now I’m like, maybe it’s not that bad.

Dat. ass.
Dat. Ass. Tho.

10. Who’s job was it to lather that baby up? Did someone have the conversation “Hey how was your day?” “Pretty good. JUST LATHERED UP THE FINEST DERRIERE IN THE HISTORY OF BUTTS. YOU?!”

11. It’s cool, but like, I wouldn’t want to have an ass that big.

12. If she REALLY wanted to #breaktheinternet she would have strategically placed a kitten DRINKING champagne on her ass. Just saying.

13. Ok I need to get back to work.

14. BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS. KATIE STOP IT. NO I CAN’T! SOMEONE SEND HELP

15. 

What is even real anymore?
What is even real anymore?

OK. I got this out of my system. I can now go back to trying not to think about butts.

katiehaller

I am a comedian, writer, actress, & also rapper living in NYC. I'm 4'11 so naturally my rap name is T-Spoon. Dating confuses me, so I like to write about it. The way to my heart is probably through fart jokes and puppies. (Here's the part where I encourage you to follow me on twitter @halleratyou)

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