1. Coming up with excuses for why you don’t want any of the free food that’s being offered at work. You don’t want to tell anyone that you’re on track to lose a pound tomorrow, and that if you eat this one piece of chocolate you’ll gain three pounds… so you just think of other excuses. “My stomach has been bothering me all day.” “I’m allergic to gluten.” “I’m allergic to nuts.” “I’m allergic to something, but I’m not sure what yet, so I’m just staying away from all food in general for a while.” I have literally spent my entire commute to work coming up with excuses to use when I know I’m going to be offered free food that day. It’s not okay.
2. When that other person who usually says no to food along with you at work says yes, and then suddenly you’re the only one not enjoying the goodness that everyone else is eating… or you just feel like an asshole because you’re awkwardly standing around a bunch of people eating while you’re not. What are you even supposed to do with your hands?
3. Holidays. In general. Halloween — Candy. Thanksgiving — Feast for days (especially if Friendsgiving/Worksgiving are involved). Christmas — Immense amounts of comfort foods for, like, two weeks. Holidays are evil to those on diets. Fact.
4. The time when you have been AWESOME for about a week, and then you have carbs, and it’s all downhill from there. Literally, once you pop (carbs), you just can’t stop. Fuck Cookie Monster. You’re the carbs monster. AND YOU WANT TO EAT THEM ALL NOW. What were you thinking when you decided zucchini pasta tasted JUST LIKE regular pasta? YOU WEREN’T. YOU WEREN’T THINKING AT ALL.
5. Deciding whether or not to be social. Should you go out tonight or stay in? Should you have that glass of wine or go with the zero calorie water option? Should you meet your friend for dinner or should you just go home and make scrambled eggs out of egg beaters? The thought of wasting calories for no reason makes you ultra anxious. There better be a good fucking reason for any social gathering you partake in. You can’t just break your diet for the fuck of it, and social gatherings ALWAYS lead to consuming calories, right?
6. The minute you go off of your diet, you automatically gain a minimum of three pounds. Your body just isn’t used to consuming food. Feed it lettuce and cottage cheese for the next 24 hours and you should be back to your “normal” weight in no time… to then start losing again. THE CIRCLE OF LIFEEEEEEE.
7. The feeling of ABSOLUTE, UTTER DISGUST with yourself when you gain weight, because you know you should have LOST WEIGHT instead, but now you’ve backtracked. Fuck. YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT.
8. Waking up in a new place that lacks a scale. But how am I supposed to know how much I weigh today? MAYBE STOP WEIGHING YOURSELF AND GO BY HOW YOU FEEL, says everyone else. Well fuck everyone else, I go by my scale. Sorry.
9. Never being satisfied with your weight. Because you never will be, and that’s your own damn fault. You just can’t say no to bread and chips and guac and pizza and french fries and alcohol. IT’S A ROUGH LIFE, OKAY.
10. Knowing that you’re not actually going to lose weight on your “diet,” and that if you ever REALLY want to lose weight, you have to make a “lifestyle change.” Your lifelong diet is how you keep yourself from gaining 6,000 pounds in one month. Seriously, if you weren’t “always on a diet,” things could get weird. But you are. And if you ever do feel like losing weight, you will.