It’s that time of year. The leaves have fallen, pumpkins are smashed, Thanksgiving is being overlooked … and Christmas has thrown up all over department stores. You can’t go to the mall without inhaling the scent of cinnamon and spotting at least one Santa photo op. I went Black Friday shopping for the first time with my mom last year, and it’s definitely NOTHING like regular sale shopping. It’s an event, an adventure. You’re taking your life in your hands to pay half price for something that’s going to be 75% off after Christmas. It’s insanity. So I’ve developed this handy how-to for all you first time shoppers. May the force be with you.
Tip 1: Forget about all the things you just said you were thankful for already having. Those things don’t matter when all the things you don’t have are on sale for an unbeatable deal.
Tip 2: Don’t sleep. There’s no point to sleeping between turkey dinner and the start of Black Friday. In case you were unaware, there’s one day of the year when Friday actually starts at 6pm on Thursday.
Tip 3: Abandon any and all manners, poise, and common courtesy. You won’t be needing those for the next 12 hours.
Step 4: Road rage. All the way to your nearest shopping mall, you must drive with absolutely no concern for others. Aisle rage is also acceptable. Everyone’s doing it.
Tip 5: Make sure you have all of your coupons. Getting that extra 50 cents off makes a difference, even if you have rifle through your wallet while there’s a long line of customers waiting to check out.
Tip 6: Always negotiate with the retail salespeople. Why should you pay $10 for something when it’s $9 somewhere else? Retail workers love getting to use their haggling skills with you.
Tip 7: Take out at least one person with your bags at the mall. What fun would it be if you DIDN’T come home looking like you were a UFC contestant?
Tip 8: Complain about the crowds, yell at retail workers, make bitch faces at everyone who comes within 50 feet of your. All the cool kids are doing it.