Thoughts I Had When I Opened My First Student Loan Bill

The absolute worst moment in postgrad life. Your sixth month grace period is over. You know it’s coming, but you refuse to believe that it could actually happen to you. Like somehow Uncle Sam will just “forget” about all those thousands of dollars you stupidly borrowed to pay for education. Spoiler Alert: He NEVER forgets.

OOHHHH mail for me! Yay!

mail time

FEDLOAN SERVICING?! Oh no. This is not good. No good at all.

sallie mae

I can’t open this. Nope.

student loan 4

This is giving me anxiety. I can’t know this. It’s like opening the Chamber of Secrets.

student loan 1

Alright I’m gonna open it. I can do this.

*Slowly peels open envelope as if something is going to jump out*

I opened it. The hard part is over right?

Must. Unfold. Paper. Slowly.

WHY MUST YOU INCLUDE SEVERAL PIECES OF PAPER? JUST GIVE ME THE TOTAL. I CAN HANDLE THIS.

student loan 3

*Toss all extraneous papers*

I’m going to vomit. That is not a fathomable number.

I’m going to be poor forever. I should just invest in Ramen.

poor

Now I’ll have to budget my money. I can’t handle this.

WAIT “income based repayment”? They know I’m already poor?!

I’m going to be in debt until I’m 75 years old at this rate.

loans old

My grandchildren will have to pay this off after I’m dead.

I’m actually going to vomit all over this document.

emmastone-ew-gif

Why is school so expensive? Why was I a stuck up little shit? I should’ve gone to community college and commuted somewhere local.

I can’t pay this. I work too hard for my money, America!

Fine. I’ll pay it. Are you happy now, Sallie Mae? ARE YOU?!

ariel student loans

$800 I’ll never get back. Gross.

Time to do what I do best in times of stress – drink an entire bottle of wine.

student loan wine

FUCK YOU SALLIE MAE!!!!!!! I’M GETTING DRUNK.

Samantha Glassford

A born-and-raised Jersey girl with a chronic case of wanderlust, Samantha spends her days reading, writing, and planning adventures. She currently teaches classes at the community college while living at home with her parents, trying and failing to become a part of the proverbial real world. Her dream is for someone to pay her for writing and traveling, but in reality she'll probably be teaching forever. Follow her mundane musings on Twitter @SamanthaG2012, and check out her personal blog, wanderlustingmillenial.blog.com

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