13 Reasons Wine Is Better Than A Significant Other

1. Wine will watch whatever you want to watch on TV without complaining.

The Kardashians, The Voice, The Mindy Project, Homeland, a Lifetime movie, OITNB… Wine doesn’t care. It will watch anything.

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2. You can bring wine anywhere and it will never have a problem fitting in.

No need to babysit wine in a corner all night because wine doesn’t know anyone at the party. Wine knows everyone at the party. And even if wine didn’t know everyone at the party, wine would be totally social because no one has a problem talking when wine is involved.

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3. Wine is never “too tired” or “too drunk.”

Wine is always up for a good time when you are, and it’s always down to chill on the couch doing nothing when you are. It will do whatever you do and it will never complain. Talk about THE BEST RELATIONSHIP EVER.

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4. Wine tastes good.

Let’s be serious here. Your boyfriend might “taste” good, but his semen probably doesn’t. Like have you ever sucked a dick and been like OMG THIS IS SOOOOO GOOD? No. But have you ever drank wine and been like OMG THIS IS SOOOOO GOOD? Yes. If only penises tasted like wine. One can dream.

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5. Wine has no problem opening up to you.

It always opens right up, no nagging necessary.

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6. Wine never makes you choose between it and your friends.

Wine does what you want to do all the time, and if you don’t want wine to tag along, wine will do it’s own thing sans complaining. You can do you all the time, no choices necessary. Not to mention, your friends don’t care when you bring wine along anyway… 😉

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7. Wine gets you drunk with no ulterior motives.

It ain’t tryna to fuck. It’s just tryna hang.

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8. It never asks you what’s for dinner.

Wine is what’s for dinner. Actually.

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9. Wine will never judge you.

Literally, it will never judge. It’s seen you cry listening to a One Direction song and it still comes back for more. No one knows why. It just happens. I’m not complaining.

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10. Wine can make you smile without even trying.

Try having a glass of wine without blushing… Just try.

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11. Wine always knows what you want.

And what you want is wine. Wine is what you want. What relationship could be better?

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12. Everyone loves wine.

You don’t have to worry about your friends or your family or your co-workers disliking wine because everyone loves wine. Maybe wine isn’t their type (AKA they prefer beer or a vodka soda), but no one hates wine. You’ve scored someone (or something) that everyone loves. You go gurl.

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13. Wine is always there for you.

When the going gets tough… there’s always wine. Rough day at the office? Wine. Bad fight with a friend? Wine. Maxed out your credit card? Wine. Ex got married? Wine. Wine will be there for you in ways that no man ever could be. And if you start missing dick while in your committed relationship with wine, get a fucking vibrator and watch some porn, while drinking wine. Seriously, girl. You’re not going to do any better than wine…

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Related Content:

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How To Host A Wine Tasting Party

11 Reasons A Glass of Wine Is A Girl’s Best Accessory

 

 

 

Samantha Matt

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still going. My first book, AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME, is coming out in January (you can buy it right now on Amazon or from your fave bookstore!). I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Writing is fun. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @20somethingproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

4 Comments
  1. Marina Velasco Serrano, traductora de capacidades intrínsecas notables y prodigiosas, pobrecilla mía y nuestra, los esperpentos que debes traducir al Huff en español: 13 Reasons Wine Is Better Than Any Boyfriend
    Samantha Matt.

    Te compadecemos a la distancia.

    Asimismo ello nos permite comprender que no todo lo que reluce es oro.

    Mas no te preocupes, ya vendrán tiempos con sus días mejores en que NO tengas a una alcohólica desquiciada y empedernida que traducir.

    Todos los extremos son más que malos, aberrantes, … imaginas a alguien con una botella siempre en mano y a su lado? Puede haber algo más deprimente y denigrante?

    Solamente debemos preguntarle a aquellos que padecen un alcohólico en la familia y los dramas que viven para que nos alumbren sobre esta pobre niña desbarrancada.

    De igual suerte nos permite comprender hasta dónde el ser humano puede caer si pierde el sentido de razón, sensatez e ubicuidad.

    Y si en un hombre el alcoholismo es desastroso y para nada edificante, en una mujer, quien es el paradigma de la delicadeza, verla todo el tiempo con una botella en la mano es como sumergir un manojo de jazmines en aguas podridas.

    El alcohólico es el único animal que todo lo soluciona tomando alcohol y a toda hora y lugar. Que espanto!

    Y la autora asegura que en su vida todo depende del alcohol, que es su amigo inseparable.

    Autora: No has tenido la suerte de conocer, ni tener, un buen hombre. He ahí todo.

    Es como si hombre juzgara a todas las mujeres por una triste experiencia tenida. La mayoría de las mujeres son seres maravillosos, excepcionales, tiernas, dulces, bonitas por dentro y por fuera, inteligentes y hacendosas, muy amigas y compañeras de quienes les aman, y a las que jamás, yo al menos, descartaré por botellas de alcohol. Todavía me quedan neuronas hábiles y activas. Actívalas, muchacha, no todo está perdido.

    Estás enferma, Samantha, acéptalo. El problema es que incitas a otras a que crean que tu enfermedad se soluciona a base de alcohol y la vida disipada que conlleva el etílico elemento..

    Samantha, sé más seria, por favor. Sé que a una alcohólica es pedir peras al olmo, mas no pierdo la esperanza que recapacites.

    Hay mejores asuntos que una botella de vino: búscate un buen hombre y déjate de pavadas!

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