“I wish it would snow,” said no friend of mine. As most of you have probably seen or heard, the winter weather system is sweeping the country and leaving gigantic blankets of misery as I like to call it; snow for those of you who did not catch on. Never mind the fact that not only is it bitterly cold, it is also wet, but what about the fact that it is dangerous and nearly impossible to drive in? To me, people who get excited about accumulations of snow are equivalent to those who enjoy drinking sour milk, camping, or getting a paper cut from a thick piece of cardstock. So let me share the 5 reasons to hate the snow:
1. Like I said, not only is it cold, it’s also wet!
2. Adults Wearing Animal “Hattens” (Hat/Mitten Combo). Please take a look in the mirror. You are an adult. You do not need to be wearing animal “hattens” as I like to call them. If you are reading this right now and reflecting on the collection of animal “hattens” you own, your next thought needs to be the child you are donating them to. Nothing says “I’m single and will forever be alone” quite like a 40-year old man/woman in an animal “hatten.”
3. Confinement. It is cold outside. So now you will be confined to the inside of your house, restaurants, the inside of your office and lunch breaks in the cafeteria!
4. Brushing off snow and scraping ice. For those of you who aren’t lucky enough to park your car in a covered garage, you have invested in the best ice scraper device that is made. Not only do you have trouble on a normal weathered day getting to work on time (at least I know I do), now you will spend the next 10-15 minutes brushing the mountain of snow from your car. Oh but wait, it gets better. After you have successfully managed to get all of the snow off of your car, there is a thick layer of ice that you now will spend the next 10 minutes scraping. And you thought you would be able to park close? Ha! Think again!
5. Pale Skin. The sky is a hazy grey and dark practically all day when it snows. Nothing grows. There is no green. None. This also means a lack of vitamin D which leads to skin that resembles the blanket of misery covering your front yard. Baby Powder might as well be your shade of foundation. And for those of you who have naturally darker skin, like myself (it’s my Spanish last name), when you start to lose color, you turn a putrid shade of yellow, leading people to believe you may in fact be in liver failure.