So…Bruce Jenner is Becoming a Woman?

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…and giving America another reason to watch the Kardashians on TV.

As of late, everyone has done less keeping up with the aforementioned half Armenian clan and more wondering “What the fuck is going on with Bruce?”  I mean, yeah he got divorced from Kris (but let’s face it, who can ever really be married to Kris Jenner besides Kris Jenner), but he’s also been making some obvious changes to his appearance.

The former Olympic athlete has surfaced post-divorce looking a lot more ladylike, and obviously that was cause for speculation among the most reliable media outlets – the tabloids and paparazzi.  Sure, Bruce began sporting painted nails and a ponytail and some apparent plastic surgery modifications, but how was anyone supposed to just ASSUME he was beginning his transformation into a woman?

Now, it’s official:  Bruce will be letting the E! cameras follow him around and document his gender reassignment surgery, as anyone undergoing something personal and private would do.  People are saying Bruce’s transformation is the reason he and Kris split up.  I don’t really care about that, but I have compiled a list of reasons why Bruce has decided to live the remainder of his life as a woman.

1.  It’s great for ratings.

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Which is why I’m assuming any member of the Kardashians do anything.  For a TV show.

2.  He’ll have more clothing options.

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Among Kim, Kendall, Kylie, Khloe, Kourtney and Kris’s KLOSETS (ohhhhhh SHE DID), Bruce won’t even have to go shopping for a new wardrobe!  He will have a million looks at his well-manicured finger tips.  He could look like a girl who likes black guys, a girl who cries about people judging her for her weight but then broadcasts when she loses any, a girl who has children to feel important…SO MANY OPTIONS!

3.  We all know the only way to be successful in that family is by having a vagina.

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Has anyone seen Rob lately?  My.  Point.  Exactly.

4.  I think the Kardashians needed something else to endorse.

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Since they’ve dabbled in pretty much every other realm, I suppose this is the next step.

5.  He was also hoping to break the Internet.

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Pretty sure a full frontal cover of Bruce’s “after” surgery will do just that.  What say you now, Kim’s “Paper” cover?

6.  Because Kris already stole his manhood.

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Literally.  Does anyone else remember KUWTK?  It was basically the Kim show with cameo roles played by her sisters and then the occasional drop in by a clueless and opinion free Bruce.  “Oh, look, isn’t it cute Bruce is trying to say something?  Now let him get back to his helicopter.”  Metaphorically, Bruce’s balls have been LONG GONE, let’s get real.

7.  He’s just trying to get in character for when Disney does a live action “Cinderella”

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And he’s obviously going to be the wicked stepmother.

8.  He’s been reading too much GOOP.

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The struggle of being a rich, white lady is real, ya’ll, and Bruce just needed to see for himself.  He believes in women’s rights so much he decided, “fuck being a rich white dude, I’m becoming a rich white lady because I FEEL THE PAIN.”

9.  He’s going to one-up Kris.

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In his final act of “fuck you for divorcing me,” Bruce Jenner will now be Kris Jenner better than Kris Jenner could.  He was married to her for so long I’m guessing the only reason he stuck around was because of some sort of idol worship where he actually does want to wear her skin.

10.  He is campaigning for a spot on “The View.”

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Suck a dick, Joy Behar and Rosie, there’s a new girl at the table and she may or may not still be a man.

11.  He wants his own reality show.

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Ratings of his “documentary” pending, I’m sure we’ll all be able to watch “Keeping Up With the Tranny” soon.

12.  He’s doing it for Khloe.

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Because she needs to not be the only Kardashian with broad shoulders.

13.  He’s having a mental breakdown.

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Which seems a little obvious, but I’m pretty sure dealing with Kim Kardashian for that long would cause anyone to have a mental snap.

14.  He’s hoping for a coaching position in the WNBA.

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“Olympic gold medalist, Reality TV star, Motivational Speaker, and Women’s Basketball Coach,” does look GREAT on a business card.

15.  It’s all a plan to win Kris back.

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Since she could technically become his manager and agent now that he’s basically a Kardashian girl.

But really, I’m excited to see if Bruce is a prettier woman than Kris.  Also, it is to be noted the Kardashian and Jenner clan are in full support of their father during his transformation.  Because…ratings.

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Alex Engelbert

After graduating from Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizadry, and realizing her degree in The History of Magic was hardly applicable in any employable realm, Alex decided to stop doing acid and actually get a BA in English. A comedy writer living in Brooklyn, NY, Alex enjoys stalking ex-boyfriends, drinking coffee, plotting ways to meet Suri Cruise, and drinking cheap wine out of an over priced Crate and Barrel glass. Follow her on Twitter if you're entertained by hot messes @Alex_Engelbert.

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