50 Reasons I Won’t Be Seeing 50 Shades of Grey

Alternately titled, I wasted an entire afternoon researching this stupid book to finish this article with a nifty-50 title.

1. First and foremost, I didn’t waste my time reading those books.

2. Who the hell even is the guy playing Christian Grey? Maybe if it was like, Ryan Gosling, I’d go just for that

the fuck even is this guy?
the fuck even is this guy?
ryan gosling
that’s better.

3. It opens Valentine’s Day? Really, could they be more cliché?

v day

4. Maybe I’m just conservative, but there is something seriously wrong about a guy having kinky relations with his employee, who’s like 12, right?

5. Interoffice affairs shouldn’t be romanticized.

6. Neither should whips and chains.

7. Movies cost upwards of $13 where I’m from. If I didn’t pay for the books, I’m not paying that much for a movie.

8. Especially when I don’t have a date to pay for it.

boyfriend grey

9. Because I’m a feminist, and the idea of a powerful man physically dominating a subordinate woman makes me want to puke.

feminist shade of grey

10. Aren’t we supposed to moving away from that stuff?

11. This story has no unique plot.

12. Yes, I’m also a book/literature snob.

13. “Laters” isn’t even a word. Microsoft Word agrees with me as I type this.

laters

14. I already read Twilight. I know what happens.

15. Apparently there are “contracts” and “rules” if you decide to enter Grey’s lair. What the hell.

16. I’m pretty sure Ana has multiple personalities with all of this mention of her Inner Goddess and Subconscious. How do you make that make sense in a movie?!

book club

17. Apparently it’s cool to call yourself a “stalker.”

18. I also want to know when the hot guys started thinking clumsy virgins were a hot commodity. Because I missed that memo.

19. Where’s the character development?

20. Does anyone else sense the pedophile undertones?

grab your rape whistle while you're at it.
grab your rape whistle while you’re at it.

21. Can everyone say codependency?

22. The trailer for this movie is a joke.

23. The interview in particular. If anyone interviewed me and asked questions like that, you know what I’d say?

24. Take your job and SHOVE IT, CREEP.

sexual innuendos were not mentioned in the ad!
sexual innuendos were not mentioned in the ad!

25. No, I wouldn’t care how hot he was.

26. Or how rich he was.

27. SHALLOW PEOPLE.

28. Who asks the interviewer what their interests outside of work are? NO ONE.

50 shades job fantasy

29. This trailer ruined Beyonce’s masterpiece that is Crazy in Love

30. Who says things like “Oh, there’s not much to know about me. Look at me.”

RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN
RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN

31. Where is your resume, Ana? How about references? No?

32. “I don’t do romance.” Ya think?

33. I just still cannot believe EL James named him Christian. Is that supposed to be ironic? Because it’s bad irony.

eyerolling

34. “Why are you trying to change me?” Because, Ana, you’re letting him.

35. Now, I know that novel’s aren’t real. I literally studied them for six years. But the sex scenes are a bit much, no?

50 shades writing

36. Is it even a “novel”? Is it erotica? Is it porn?

37. To it’s own credit, I suppose it gets its own category.

50 shades gaston

38. Every guy wants the Plain Jane. YEAH OKAY.

39. I truly weep for the younger generation who read this and think it’s reality in the grown-up world.

you'll regret that.
you’ll regret that.

40. I’m beginning to think I’m just too cynical to “get” this book.

41. I spent an entire afternoon researching this book to come up with 50 reasons so this article could have a catchy title.

42. Because if I even go to the movies, I’ll be seeing The Judge featuring RDJ, who is actually a known and infinitely sexier actor.

the judge

43. The Judge also has plot and character development.

44. As do all the books I read and movies I see.

45. Except that one time I read Twilight. I was 18. Forgive me one sin.

46. I hate that the author was this successful writing fanfiction.

bestseller

47. I also may have a bit of writer envy.

48. I was told Matt Bomer would be in this movie. 

49. I have self-respect.

50. My Inner Goddess doesn’t want to.

she's telling me to not see this terrible movie
she’s telling me to not see this terrible movie
Samantha Glassford

A born-and-raised Jersey girl with a chronic case of wanderlust, Samantha spends her days reading, writing, and planning adventures. She currently teaches classes at the community college while living at home with her parents, trying and failing to become a part of the proverbial real world. Her dream is for someone to pay her for writing and traveling, but in reality she'll probably be teaching forever. Follow her mundane musings on Twitter @SamanthaG2012, and check out her personal blog, wanderlustingmillenial.blog.com

2 Comments
  1. So as a feminist you believe someone shouldn’t give into their sexual desire? I haven’t read the book but saying because you’re a feminist the idea of a man sexually dominating a woman makes you want to puke is pathetic. Some women are actually into that. Is it a problem if a man wants to be submissive? No. As a feminist you believe it’s their proper place. Knowing you want to be, allowing and trusting a man to dominate you is having power over your wants and reconizing your sexual desires. This list, as previousily stated, is pathetic and most points listed are just thoughtless words used for filler with little purpose to the intial message of this article.

  2. Also, half your list is based on an employment interview.

    She was interviewing him from a journalism POV. She never worked for him.

    Also also, in a point about being well read and a writer, you said “novel’s” where I’m positive you meant “novels.”

    #irony

    Also also also, an interest in BDSM isn’t anti feminist.

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