Sometime in June, my boyfriend calls me. “You might not want to come over tonight. My A/C isn’t set up yet and my apartment is hotter than hell.” I head over anyway out of blind new-relationship lust, only to be met at the threshold of his apartment with a gust of near-tropical air and an already sweaty boyfriend.
It takes me a few minutes to acclimate, but soon enough we begin to touch in spite of the heat. We turn the fan up high and rip off our clothes from top to socks—after all, not only is it hot, it’s super weird to have sex with socks on. Why is he wearing socks anyway? We do the sex thing for a while, his back is sweaty as hell. I love it. Moisture gathers around my hairline, he feels it as he pulls my hair. After we have our fill, we curl up with one another…
Briefly. Very briefly.
It is too damn hot in this apartment. Please don’t touch me.
I love you. Please. Don’t. Touch. Me. Let’s turn the fan up.
Fast forward to late January, a week or so ago: I am freezing. Constantly cold. My boyfriend is a human furnace, and I take advantage. In his bedroom we undress, and slowly feel through the motions of our bodies intertwined. We curl up under the comforter together.
We have matching socks on. We’ve had them on the whole time. I’m okay with it.
Just like beer and clothing, sex has its seasonal varieties. Winter and summer are two of them. In the summer, we drink lighter beer and wear lighter clothes. In the winter, we drink heavier beer and wear heavier clothes. Beer is still hops and malt, and clothes are still thousands of threads, but the subtle changes make a world of difference—in sex, just as well.
When it comes to…blankets and sheets
Summertime: Under no circumstances can summertime sexploits be under covers. I already want to rip my skin off. Covers, meet floor. Floor, meet covers.
Wintertime: Yes please. Let’s make a sex cave. Or a blanket fort!
When it comes to…clothing during sex
Summertime: Maybe it’s sexy to have an item of clothing on during sex, but unless it’s a mini skirt or minimal lingerie, it’s out.
Wintertime: Sweater. Socks. Parka. How can we achieve maximum penetration while also donning maximum attire? Is that possible? Should we just cut convenient holes?
When it comes to…body hair
Summertime: The only place you’ll see hair on this body is on my head (and that’s probably going to be pinned back and in a ponytail).
Wintertime: Hair here, hair there, hair everywhere!! Bet you didn’t know I had hair there, huh? I am a mammal! I must keep warm for the winter! Plus, no one else but you sees these legs…and you don’t mind, do you?
When it comes to…location
Summertime: Let’s have sex at the park! Let’s have sex in the woods! Let’s have sex next to the pool!
Wintertime: Bed. We must never leave bed. Unless it’s for the couch, or for a very warm laundry room when the dryer is going…
When it comes to…cuddling afterward
Summertime: Let’s figure out how to show our affection without touching each other, okay?
Wintertime: Curl up niiiiice and close with me. Think: as close as possible without actually being inside me. On second thought, maybe you should just be inside me? Can we still keep our socks on?