There’s an odd shift in reality as you enter your mid-late twenties. More and more of your friends are getting married off, which is one thing. But then everyone starts procreating. On purpose. And you feel like maybe, just maybe, you’re missing something. Because while you’re a fully functioning adult participating in a marriage, the last thing you want at the moment is to have kids and start a family.
A few signs you might not be ready for kids:
1. When a friend tells you they’re expecting, your first thought is another one bites the dust.
Don’t get me wrong, you’re happy for them. In fact, you probably get tears (happy ones, you tell yourself) in your eyes and your voice goes up a few octaves. But you can’t help but take a running tally of all your friends and think to yourself holy jesus they’re dropping like flies.
2. When the hostess at a restaurant seats you behind a family with an infant, you cringe.
Sure, the little bugger is cute. But you finally get a moment to hit the town with your guy, and instead you get to sit behind a couple who is speaking baby talk to a baby who refuses to sit still. Buzz kill.
3. You don’t like people touching your stuff.
You like your stuff to stay how you put it. Neat and tidy not slimy and disheveled. Is it me or do kids have a constant sticky film all over their paws?
4. You don’t share food.
When you fix your plate, you want to eat what you put on it. Maybe you’ll have leftovers, okay, but the food is yours. Your least favorite words are can I have some? No. No you cannot.
5. You like to do whatever you want.
You want to come home from work, crack open a beer and catch up on last nights’ Bachelorette episode in peace? Yeah, me too. You want to go to bed early and sleep in? Yeah, me too. You want to skip a meal and spend all day on a shopping mission, only stopping when your bladder is about to explode? Yeah, me too. Kids have to eat. And pee. And like, survive. And they talk. A lot.
6. You zone out when someone starts talking about their kid’s bathroom habits.
Why do people feel the need to share this information as if the rest of the world is as interested in it as they are?
7. You’ve deactivated Facebook or you’re getting dangerously close to deactivating.
Because babies are taking over the internet. People who once used to share hilarious drinking photos from ridiculous nights out are now sharing articles about how to breast feed and inviting you to play Farmville at 2AM.
8. You’re still driving the same car you drove in HS.
It’s probably safe enough despite the unidentified horrifying rattling sound that’s coming from the undercarriage. But this means one of two things: either you’re unable or unwilling to fork over the cash for a new car. If you’re unable, you cannot afford a kid. If you’re unwilling, maybe I should spare you the shocking number of dollar bills it takes to keep a small human being alive each year.
9. You spent an entire weekend binging a television series on Netflix.
And it was absolutely glorious. All of your food was delivered, and you seriously considered leaving your door unlocked so the delivery guy could bring the food right to you. The floor didn’t get swept and your laundry was still piled up from the week. You gave a big eff you to responsibility for an entire weekend. And you can. Because you don’t have a tiny person depending on you. And you like it that way.
10. You don’t have a savings account because all your spare cash goes to booze and dining out.
You’re aware of it and simply don’t care.
11. You tend to avoid family functions or social gatherings where everyone brings their kids.
You don’t have anything against children, really. In fact, you can actually enjoy them from time to time (or all the time). But surrounding yourself with breeders only invites the questions. When are you having a baby? And you really just don’t feel like explaining to them all the reasons you’re just not ready. And you certainly don’t care to hear another rendition of a) why you’re so selfish and/or b) how having a baby will be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Especially when you still consider finding Ben and Jerry’s half price as the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
The fact is, you could probably handle having a kid if you really wanted one. You could (and would) shift around a few priorities and you could be a picture perfect parent. But you’re just not there yet. And you know what? That’s okay.