When I was in 8th grade, my friend called me after a middle school dance to tell me that my ‘boyfriend’ told him he noticed hair above my lip.
“OMG, they know about my mustache,” I thought.
Mortified, I told my mom. She then reassured me that most women are hairy, pulled out some Nair, and showed me how to get rid of the mustache like a boss. After I started Nairing, I found out a lot of other people Naired their mustaches too. And waxed them. And later laser-ed them. Mostly Jews (like me) and Italians… but still. That’s a lot of girls, and a lot of hair.
But us hairy ladies don’t only have hair above our lips. We’ve got it on our legs (duh), our armpits (duh), our vagines (duh), our stomachs, and our breasts. Hair grows on our necks, face, chins, butts, and other places I probably don’t even know about too.
The god damn struggles us hairy women go through on a daily basis is real. If you’re in the hairy lady club, you will understand the following:
1. Just how expensive getting rid of the hair professionally is. This is why the majority of us do it ourselves with razors, nair, and maybe even some waxing strips from good ol’ Target.
2. Panicking that people at the gym are noticing you haven’t shaved your armpits in the past 2 days. How can you keep your arm down blocking anyone from seeing your armpits while lifting three pound free weights? Any takers?
3. How hard it is to fall asleep when you haven’t shaved your legs in a few days. If I have too much hair on my legs, they start to feel dirty and then I think about my dirty legs that aren’t actually dirty and then I start to get itchy and then I start scratching and then I literally NEVER FALL ASLEEP all night. It sucks.
4. Hooking up with a new guy is always an anxiety filled experience. Is there hair on my butt? Will he notice if there is hair on my butt? Do I have more hair on my butt than other girls? OMG – I haven’t shaved my vagine since yesterday. What if all the hair has grown back? What if he tries to go down there? Do I just say no? I should probably do a slow fade out of this bed right now. Can you ghost while someone is on top of you? Serious question.
5. Cringing when you think back to the time you decided to start tweezing your eyebrows and managed to eventually tweeze them all of. YOU JUST WANTED TO LOOK LIKE ALL THE OTHER HAIRLESS GIRLS IN YOUR CLASS. It has taken you years to grow those bad boys back, but thank god you stopped tweezing because your eyebrows on FLEEK now. Big, bushy eyebrows are in now. Guuurrrrlllllll.
6. When you still cut yourself from shaving. Shaving is hard. Especially when you have to do it so damn often and usually have barely any time to get it done. Also, shout out to anyone else still using the Intuition razor that comes with the soap on it. I still do and I use that razor like a boss.
7. Finding random hairs in new places. Your body is not about no new friends. In fact, it welcomes new friends on the reg.
8. The stress of getting a pedicure and realizing you forgot to shave your toe hair, and thinking the Asian ladies are talking about your toes in a different language. Chances are, they are not. But unfortunately, you will never know.
9. Thinking that hair falling out in the shower is NBD.
10. Wondering why your nose hair won’t quit growing. But seriously. What do you do?
11. Asking “can you see my mustache” to anyone and everyone. But you need to be in the right lighting when you ask because some lighting will make it invisible while other lighting will make you look like a Mexican man. The Nair or not to Nair… or to wax instead… struggle is real.
12. The awfulness that is finding a patch of hair on your body that you missed while shaving this morning. WELL, FUCK.