19 People You’ll Meet At Your First Real Job

Getting your first job post-grad is a big deal. You officially leave the college world and enter the real world. The real world is great and all, except for some of the totally incompetent and ANNOYING people you’ll meet in your office. If you don’t have to work with any of the following people, consider yourself #blessed.

1. The person that drinks 6 cups of coffee and thinks it’s weird that everyone else doesn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I love coffee as much as the next person. But if I drank that many cups I would be bouncing off the walls and also shitting my pants.

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2. The person that only drinks tea because it’s “better for you” and “organic.” Fine, tea is good for you and probably doesn’t stain your teeth. Whatever. Drinking tea is not the same as drinking coffee and if you try to tell me that I hate you.

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3. The person who doesn’t care about work and doesn’t try to hide it. Excuse me, could you at least pretend to give a shit about anything that we’re doing here? How did you even get this job? Stop coming to my desk and telling me about how drunk you were last night. I was in bed by 8pm.

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4. The person who cares way too much about about their job and makes everyone else feel bad about it. Bro, some of us have lives outside of work. I really don’t care if you worked all night and all weekend and you never sleep because you’re constantly working.

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5. The cool manager who everyone secretly, or not so secretly, wants to be their best friend. One time my CEO wore a Hawaiian shirt and sliders, so I bought a Hawaiian shirt and sliders.

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6. The stoner who doesn’t think anyone knows he is a stoner. Yes, I did grasp the subtle joke that you made about gravity bongs last week. You aren’t fooling anyone.

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7. The unbelievably optimistic person who everyone wants to punch in the face. You do not need to see the bright side of everything all the time. If I want to be crabby, I’m gonna be crabby and nothing you say is going to change that. Leave me alone.

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8. The person who thinks they’re still in college and can’t seem to give it up. Yes, I understand that those were the glory years. But that doesn’t mean you can still hang like you could when you were 21. You’re 32.

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9. The intern who thinks they actually work there and won’t get out of your way. News flash: we will no longer be working together after 2 months and no, I will not help you get hired here. Fuck off.

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10. The sorority girl who may or may not still live in the sorority house. I understand that your sisters were like, totes your besties for life, but no ones cares that Delta Phi Whateverthefuck had the hottest girls on campus.

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11. The frat bro who still wears Chubbies and Sperry’s every single day. Unless you and I are taking your dad’s boat to Nantucket for the weekend, get some new shoes.

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12. The person who calls in sick every other day and acts like it’s okay because they’re “working from home.” Bitch, we all know you’re on your couch eating ice cream and binge-watching True Blood.

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13. The fashionista who wears stilettos to work every day. Excuse me, I know for a fact that your salary is not that different from mine and I can barely make rent. Make sure you don’t forget to thank Daddy for those Jimmy Choos you’re wearing.

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14. The person who brings their lunch every day and then forgets it in the fridge. I blame you for the plethora of moldy food that has to be thrown out every other week.

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15. The person who doesn’t know what “reply all” means and blasts the entire company with their response to one person. You are the worst kind of person.

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16. The grammar Nazi who replies to every email with “LOL I think you meant *insert condescending spelling error correction here*. Literally FUCK OFF.

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17. The spam emailer who sends random news articles and memes to the entire staff. I have better things to do than read this story about a cat being rescued from a tree.

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18. The clean freak who will start cleaning up your spilled coffee before you even get back with paper towel. I will clean it up myself, but thanks for the help.

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19. The person with so much random shit on their desk that you wonder how they get any work done. Maybe they put their computer on their lap? Where did all those papers come from?

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Hillary Bautch

Hillary Bautch is a Wisconsin girl living in Boston, where she can often be found double-fisting cups of coffee. She takes pleasure in making other people feel awkward and purposely does weird stuff so she can write about it later. Hillary enjoys eating pizza, watching other people fall down on ice skates, and complaining about how much she wants a dog. Follow her random musings and sarcastic rants at @hillarybautch.

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