Anyone who has casually dated knows that dates are awkward. You don’t even know this person and suddenly you’re sitting at a table with them and are forced to make conversation. Considering I LOVE trying to explain what I do for a living (sarcasm), dates are the best (sarcasm). So let’s just get this all out in the open, shall we? Here are the honest-to-God pros and cons of dating me. If I could put all of these things on the online dating profile that I will inevitably make, I would.
PRO: I think I’m hilarious. Therefore, I will laugh at my own jokes and you don’t have to.
CON: If you actually don’t laugh I will probably call you out on it.
PRO: I am ALWAYS down to order pizza.
CON: If we do order pizza, I will eat most of it and there probably won’t be any left for you.
ON MY MOOD
PRO: If I’m sad or need a distraction, I will bake things—most likely cookies.
CON: If you are the one that made me sad I will not let you eat any of them.
ON MY BANK ACCOUNT
PRO: I have a big girl job.
CON: My big girl job doesn’t even pay me enough to live, so you might have to buy dinner every once and a while.
ON LIFE IN GENERAL
PRO: I have my shit together.
CON: Because I have my shit together, I expect you to know that about me and act accordingly. (see examples here)
PRO: I actually enjoy video games.
CON: I’m super competitive and will not let you win.
ON MY CAREER
PRO: I love my job.
CON: Loving my job means I’m very career-oriented. I will put my work before almost anything else and not be sorry.
PRO: I am in no hurry to meet your parents.
CON: Parents love me.
PRO: I will almost always tell you exactly what’s on my mind, because I hate playing games.
CON: I don’t tolerate dishonesty.
ON YOUR SOCIAL LIFE
PRO: I don’t mind if you go out with your boys on a Friday night.
CON: If going out with your boys involves hitting on other girls we will have a problem.
PRO: I understand that you can’t always respond to my text right away.
CON: If I don’t hear from you for a few days I will assume something is wrong. I’m not crazy, I just don’t appreciate being strung along.
ON GETTING READY
PRO: I care about how I look.
CON: Sometimes it will take me more than 20 minutes to get ready to go out.
PRO: I love to travel.
CON: I might repeatedly tell you that I “can’t spend money” on the weekends because I’m saving up for a trip.
ON MY FRIENDS
PRO: Like Biggie said, tell your friends to get with my friends, and we can be friends.
CON: If my girls don’t like you that is a HUGE red flag.
PRO: I don’t need you to cuddle with me all night.
CON: I usually lay like a starfish in my bed.
PRO: I love trying new restaurants and/or foreign food.
CON: I will probably eat off your plate because I like to try as much as possible.
PRO: I don’t mind if we watch an action movie on movie night. I actually love action movies.
CON: I still want to see the new Ryan Gosling movie when it comes out.
PRO: I love beer just as much as you do.
CON: I will beat you in a beer-chugging contest and embarrass you in front of your friends.
ON LEGGINGS AS PANTS
PRO: I can rock leggings and look damn good in them.
CON: Sometimes you will have to force me to put on real pants.
PRO: I love carbs and cheese and junk food.
CON: If I’m craving mozzarella sticks we are going to get them. You don’t have a choice.
PRO: I will always have coffee ready in the morning.
CON: If we happen to run out of coffee, you will probably have to go buy some because I cannot function without it.
ON NETFLIX… AND CHILL-ING
PRO: I’m always down to Netflix and chill.
CON: This could result in staying in bed all day (which is not necessarily a bad thing).