Kourtney Kardashian Has Lost Her Fucking Mind

File this under: “Reasons why the Kardashian family has caused the Internet to collectively lose its shit.”

Pretty much every news source, ever, has confirmed that Kourtney Kardashian is dating Justin Bieber. Reports claim the 36-year-old mother of three has been seen at the Beverly Hills hotel, The Montage, until early morning hours, a hotel the 21 year old “Sorry” crooner frequents. Also, sources reveal Kourtney and Bieber were “flirty” at his AMA’s after party.

I’m all for a girl getting down with a hot rebound, and who deserves it more than Kourtney, especially after dealing with Scott Disick’s bullshit for the past million years? She’s been far too busy raising three kids and over enunciating the last syllable of every word she speaks to make time for her love life.

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HOWEVER. The Biebs!? Really!? Are we completely positive she isn’t just looking for another child to adopt? Clearly Kourtney has a type: privileged white man-children who are known to be irresponsible and party heavily. I’m not even sure there’s much of a difference between “Lord” Scott Disick and Justin Bieber besides the age gap. Kourtney is LITERALLY 15 years older than Justin. She could have definitely been his babysitter, and probably would have stood a chance at being his mother if the Kardashian family was poor and from Canada.

If the two are just having fun, more power to Kourtney for nailing it in the cougar realm. I just really hope she doesn’t see this becoming a serious relationship. Is the Biebs fuckable? Duh. Is he stable relationship (let alone possible step father) material? Absolutely not.

I’m still hoping this is some type of sick joke being played on us by the internet/Kardashian run Illuminati. You know, the type of joke where Kris and Kourtney sit at a kitchen table saying, “Like, wouldn’t it literally be so funny if we both dated guys half of our age for a little while just for fun?” You know. That kind of joke. The one we all laugh at after we’re told they were JUST KIDDING. I’m still waiting for Kim to announce her childrens’ names are a joke tapped from that same vein, but then again, I’ve never had much faith in Kim to begin with.

Either way, I’m maintaining Kourtney is having some type of “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” moment in life and will return to dating men of her own age who are (hopefully) sober in the near future, both for her sake and for the sake of her three adorable children. But then again, looking at recent pictures of Justin has made me question my own sanity because he is THAT hot, so maybe Kourtney is on to something.

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Alex Engelbert

After graduating from Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizadry, and realizing her degree in The History of Magic was hardly applicable in any employable realm, Alex decided to stop doing acid and actually get a BA in English. A comedy writer living in Brooklyn, NY, Alex enjoys stalking ex-boyfriends, drinking coffee, plotting ways to meet Suri Cruise, and drinking cheap wine out of an over priced Crate and Barrel glass. Follow her on Twitter if you're entertained by hot messes @Alex_Engelbert.

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