I’m honestly hurt and confused. I’ve been genuinely concerned about you. Because of what you, yourself, have told me. About your health. And the fact that the last time you went silent, it was for serious reasons dealing with your liver, I assumed (I now realize wrongly) that something bad, if not worse, had happened to you again.
I know you don’t want anyone worrying about you, but I feel like anyone in their right mind would, especially knowing what I know and caring like I do. And that’s not because your weak, it’s because you’re important to me. You always have been.
I also feel like there’s been something off about you from the very beginning. A feeling I downplayed, if not straight up overlooked, because I trusted in everything you were telling me. I wanted to. And doing so, gave you the benefit of the doubt, that maybe you just disappeared because you’ve been sick and maybe because you don’t know me well enough or have pride or God only knows what else I was thinking.
I feel completely played by you and I just don’t know why someone who holds themselves in such high regard would go about things the way you have.
I mean, why not just say, I’m going to Los Angeles. I’ll talk to you in a week or so.
Or, if you were having second thoughts about pursuing me, why not just not say you love me and just tell me that now’s not a good time for you to be getting involved with me.
Even if you do like me and it’s not a good time, and this is the season when your workload peaks, why not just say that? I mean, you don’t even have to say it, you could just write it like you’ve done with everything else.
All rational ways of handling the circumstance.
I suppose I’m just trying to understand how you think. Why you think communicating with me every day, telling me how sick you’ve gotten, and then going MIA… how you wouldn’t maybe think, oh I don’t know, just once, amongst all your busyness, that, hey, I should probably let her know I’m not dead, that I haven’t been hauled off again to some hospital somewhere.
It’s a big letdown. It’s also an embarrassment.
And your way of communicating with someone is actually no way to communicate with someone, whether you’re interested in that person or if your interest has waned, if your interest has been lost.
I’m writing this because it’s senseless to mask what’s a fact: I’ve opened myself up to you.
I’m writing you this because that’s my character. Straight up. No games. Transparency.
I’m writing you this because I want to believe you’re not some deceptive, selfish a—hole or some irrational disappearing act.
And I’m writing you this because, you know it, you’ve been talking a big talk and now you’ve dropped the ball in a big way. I’m not floating over this, pretending I’m clueless and don’t care. That’s obviously your act, and I don’t like the way it looks. Surprise, surprise.
On a positive note, I’m thankful you’re okay, that you’re not in and out of doctors but, rather, enjoying your life. You should be. You should be celebrating the good days. But, you don’t have to hide from people while you are doing it. You don’t have to lead people on to become a part of their life. And you don’t have to let anyone down to become less a part of it either.
But, what do I know? Obviously very little when it comes to the truth about who you are, really.