I love life only every four years during the Summer Olympics. I get so excited about the games, it’s crazy. I don’t know why I love it so much because I am not an Olympic athlete, nor will I ever be as talented as anyone at the Olympics. Realistically, I think the Olympic speed walkers are more talented than me. Fact.
Regardless of my lack of talent in any physical activity, I still love the Olympics. It’s a time when everyone from the same place cheers for the same team. In the USA, we all want USA to win gold. We want the highest gold count and the most medals to rub in other countries faces for the next two to four years. Two because there’s the Hockey Olympics – I’m sorry, I mean the Winter Olympics – and then two years later, it’s back to the Summer Olympics, which everyone can enjoy.
While most of us sit on our asses eating snacks, other people are working their asses off for us. And we get to watch and eat snacks at the same time. They are gaining medals while we gain weight. It works and I LOVE IT.
Yet, as much as we may admire these people, we also hate them because they make us feel SO INADEQUATE. They make us feel like lazy fucks, which I kind of am, but I’m not sure about all of you who are reading this. HOLLA IF YOU ARE THOUGH, LETS SLAY THE TWITTER GAME TOGETHER.
Now let’s discuss how bad the Olympics make us feel, shall we?
1. When you realized most of the Olympians are younger than you.
2. When you realized that some of them are older than you.
3. When you watch them swim and think about what you would look like doing one lap.
4. When you get tired watching the olympians run.
5. When they make more money in one game than you will in probably the next 10 years.
6. When you compare your good looks to their good looks. They always win.
7. When they pose with puppies.
8. When they do simple sports better than us, like walking, which is a sport.
9. When they look good in ugly outfits.
10. When they cry tears of happiness after winning medals. Why can’t anything in your life make you cry like that?
11. When they get to live in the Olympic Village and Tinder in Olympic Village..
12. When they win gold medals and get sweet endorsements.
13. When they win any medal, even if they don’t get sweet endorsements.
14. When they bite their medals, and you bite a piece of pizza.
15. When you make fun of someone for going to the Olympics and placing dead last, while you sat at home the whole time doing nothing.
16. When you know you’ll never be as good at something as Olympians are at the Olympics.
IT’S NOT OVER, BUT I’M COUNTING DOWN TO TOKYO, K BYE.