As you start to get older, you might think you already know everything. You’re older. You’re wiser. You’ve been on this planet for a decent amount of time and you fucking GET IT. You know what you’re doing. You don’t need any help.
But then you find yourself in your 20s, confused as hell, unsure of how to properly adult in today’s ever-changing world. Luckily, I’m here today with some very important alternative facts about adulthood. These aren’t just facts, guys. They are ALTERNATIVE facts, here to save us all from that awful thing called reality.
Here are 18 alternative facts to live, laugh, and love by while riding on a unicorn all the way into old age.
1. Nothing changes after you graduate college.
Everything will be just like it was before.
2. Getting your first job will be the easiest part of your entire career.
Having no experience is honestly the most desirable thing ever to employers.
3. It doesn’t matter who you know when it comes to getting a job.
It only matters that you have good experience, skills, and a positive attitude.
4. Having a pet is just like having a tamagotchi.
Years of childhood practice will pay off when you finally get that puppy you’ve always wanted!
5. If you work hard, you deserve the right to spend $5 on coffee every day.
Hard work means overpriced caffeine. Get some.
6. Nothing will REALLY happen if you don’t pay your credit card bills on time, so just pay when you have the money.
Those credit card payment due dates are LIES. They are LIES. Credit scores are like climate change. They don’t really exist.
7. As you get older, it’s gets sooo much easier to hang out with friends.
Everyone’s calendars will magically clear up and you’ll be able to pencil yourself in whenevs because you’ll be free all the time, and you’ll always be up for getting off your couch!
8. Metabolisms do not slow down as you get older.
Stop blaming your metabolism for all the weight you gained recently and get yourself to the fucking gym.
9. You will never be too old to use words like “lit” and “woke.”
You can be hip, no matter what age you are.
10. Your beanie babies are worth a lot of money now.
Just ask Ebay.
11. Having more responsibilities at work means you will make more money.
Well obviouslyyyyyy if you’re doing more, you will get paid more. It’s science.
12. If you stay in one night all your friends are going out, they will literally forget all about you.
FOMO is not a joke. Never stay in. Always go out. Don’t become a stranger.
13. Being spontaneous will lead to a life full of regret.
Seriously – don’t make decisions on the fly. Think everything through and don’t act on impulse ever. Always be nervous. Always be skeptical. Always second guess everything. Never actually go through with stuff. Who are you?!
14. Everything doesn’t cause cancer.
Especially nutella and french fries.
15. Retail therapy is better than actual therapy.
Why pay to sit on a stranger’s couch when you can pay for new shirts?
16. The more money your bag is worth, the better your life will be.
This is a given. God, I need a Chanel bag.
17. Anyone can be a great writer.
All you have to do is start a blog.
18. When you turn 30, you should be married with enough money in a savings account to buy a house, if you don’t already own one, and maybe, like, a kid.