The ABC’s Of College, As Told By A Recent Graduate

Student Life

 

A is for Alone:

I bet you thought I was going to say alcohol right? Close. Alcohol and feeling alone overlaps more than is probably healthy in college. Sometimes it’s when you’re on the edge of a quarter life crisis, staring at a pool of notecards about public policy and the only thing that eases your stress is taking a bottle of $8 Moscato to the face. Or its chugging vodka soda when you feel so unbelievably lonely, standing in an overcrowded bar with girls you don’t like and boys you wish you didn’t like. Feeling alone in college surrounded by your peers that are supposed to be just like you, is more common than one expects. Almost as common as underage alcohol consumption is.

 

B is for Bullshit:

You will master the art of bullshitting. From last minute essay deadlines to the boy who could hardly last a minute – you will learn how to both dish it and decipher it.

 

C is for Change:

It’s almost factual that your 20s are a metaphorical revolving door for habits, relationships and problems – especially in college. Metabolisms will slow and your ability to spot bad guys will quicken. Change is inevitable in college, but welcome it. It’s usually you transitioning into something better.

 

D is for Degree Damnit

The D you should be concentrating on in college is not dating, drinking or dick. While all of the above is fun to dabble in, the main reason you’re here is to get that fucking diploma.

 

E is for Emotionally Unavailable

Between the ages of 18-22 some of us are just not capable of handling the combination of strong emotion and strong liquor (or separately in some of our cases).

 

F is for Friends With Benefits

Boy likes girl, girl likes boy, right? Wrong. It’s more like boy likes girl as friend, girl pretends she doesn’t like boy. Or vice versa. But college is the peak for that blurry, unclear title between friend and the guy that routinely sees you naked. Word from the wise: just because it seems blurry, don’t turn a blind eye to something that is clearly not permanent.

 

G is for Galentine’s Day

There is no time quite like college for a proper Galentine’s Day. It’s some of the last years before some of your friends slowly die off, I mean pair off with significant others.

 

H is for Hormones

The constant thrill of crying because you saw him leave with that other girl followed with being sexually frustrated because you’re now withholding sex from said boy and then rounding out the cycle by being giddy when he texts you Sunday morning. Your hormones are raging harder than you ever did freshman year.

 

I is for ID

You will feel invincible as you clutch your poorly laminated fake ID for the first time and you will realize the real walk of shame is shuffling away after being denied for the first time. Your 21st birthday is a right of passage that feels like a magical transformation (even if the next morning you won’t feel quite as magical).

 

J is for Juggling

College is a circus act and you will juggle responsibilities more than that clown you’ve been fooling around with juggles girls in different sororities.

 

K is for Kidding, right?

“You’re kidding right?” you will think as you stare at your savings account, your syllabus or your ‘so-called’ squad’s brunch picture you weren’t invited to.

 

L is for Lack:

Lack of sleep, lack of money and lack of job offers.

 

M is for Melatonin:

I fully commend the substance abuse of this little over the counter wonder. I’ve drained bottles over the course of college on all those nights when I can’t sleep worrying about failure or some fuckboy.

 

N is for No.

In college you will learn the importance of such a small, two letter, one syllable word. Embrace this word. This is the most selfish time in your life – this is the time to fully abuse this word. College is too short to do something you don’t want to do.

 

O is for Orgasms

College is also too short to do someone who doesn’t know how to give you one.

 

P is for Pregnancy Scares

There is no adrenaline rush quite like seeing that beautiful negative sign in your shaking palm under the CVS bathroom fluorscent lighting. Which leads me to what P should be – protection. Use it, that dude doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom which is usually in direct correlation with how well he takes care of his other regions.

 

Q is for Quit

Don’t.

 

R is for Rejection

You will learn how bad it stings to be rejected by that sorority you thought would be “sisters” or at the very least a group of girls who would be there for you regardless. You will learn how bad it stings to be rejected by a boy who was the first to not only accept your quirks, but tell you how much he loved them. You will learn how bad it stings to be rejected by a career that you had been molding yourself for.

 

S is for Settling

It can be tempting to settle for that major you don’t really love and it’s easy to settle for that boy you don’t really love. But settling right now is like setting the table for the rest of your life with a meal that will never be your favorite. Just because you’d take it, doesn’t mean that’s what serves you the purpose that you were meant for.

 

T is for Taste

Over the course of 4 years, your taste in alcohol, men and bedroom decor will only get better.

 

U is Useless

Take the useless classes, drink the useless calories and flirt with the useless boys. All of the above is useful to learn from.

 

V is for Vyvanse

I lived on a healthy diet of espresso, the smell of Wite Out and and Vyvanse to stay a functioning human finals week.

 

W is for Whiskey

Order this for the guy you keep checking out at the bar. More than likely, he drinks it.

 

X is for Xanax

Don’t date the guy who is always checked out cause he’s on bars. More than likely, he drools too much.

 

Y is for Yikes!!!

You may wake up thinking this when you spy your clothes spread across a room that’s not yours or you may mouth this to yourself when you check your test grade. Regardless this will be a staple in your category in those 4 years.

 

Z is for Zero

The number of things you should regret in college.

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