No Sir, I Will NOT Glue My Labia Shut During My Period

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In case you missed it, there is a new product in the works called Mensez. Dr. Daniel Dopps, a chiropractor based in Kansas, has designed and created what he calls a ‘revolutionary product’ for women. This product, known as ‘Feminine Lipstick’ because of its ultra chic lipstick like design, glues a woman’s labia together during her period. According to Dr. Dopps, this labia lipstick is a ‘safer’ alternative to other feminine hygiene products. Labia lipstick ends the ‘period mind games’ and the blood stays securely inside where it belongs. To get rid of it, just pee. When you pee, you activate the amino acids and oils within the glue. You’re like a ‘self cleaning shower drain.’ No mess, no fuss. The blood goes down the toilet where it belongs and not only do you not have to look at it, you never have to touch it again! Sounds great, right?

Wrong. Oh so very wrong. Excuse me Dr. Dopps but in what reality is it even remotely safe to glue yourself shut when there is blood flowing out of your body five to seven days out of the month? Does this man even know how a period actually functions? In all my 20-something years on this planet, I thought I had seen it all when it came to new period products. Menstrual cups, period panties…but this? This is just ridiculous. There are so many ways this product could cause emotional and psychological harm to a woman, and not to mention the potential health risks!

Let’s start with the comfort (or lack thereof) first. Ladies, can you imagine walking around all day feeling yourself glued together down there? It’s bad enough when you run out of tampons and have to wear a pad all day and feel like you are wearing a mini diaper between your legs. There is also another level of discomfort to consider. If you have a lighter flow, you might not feel this as much but for those with a heavier flow? I would imagine that, after a while, there is every possibility of feeling that blood start to build up inside you.

And even though said labia lipstick glue is supposed to be non-toxic, what about the effects of repeated application? Your skin is tender and sensitive down there. According to OBGYN Jen Gunter, in an article from Self magazine, “repeated application could cause skin trauma.” By applying the product to the same area over and over again as long as you are having your period, at some point your poor labia is going to start feeling irritated from all the sticking and unsticking. I’m also curious as to what Dr. Dopps has to say for women who might not be able to UNSTICK themselves. I’m fairly certain that’s going to require immediate surgery.

Now let’s talk about the potential health risks involved. If the blood can’t flow out of the body naturally, where is it going to go? I find it hard to believe it’s just going to sit there all day, waiting until your bladder decides it needs to empty itself. Obviously, it has to go somewhere and there is every distinct possibility that it could actually flow backwards. This is known as retrograde menstruation, also associated with endometriosis. Not only is it painful and uncomfortable, it could also cause other, more serious issues to develop.

Last but not least, what about the embarrassment factor? Ladies, we’ve all had those embarrassing-kill-me-now period moments at least once in our lives. Let’s get real here. First of all, not everyone’s labia looks exactly the same. What happens if you apply the product and find out you’re not as ‘stuck’ as what you thought you were? And what the hell happens if you sneeze, laugh, or cough and a little pee leaks out? Is the seal broken? Will all the blood that’s been building for the last few hours suddenly start gushing out, ruining your favorite pair of pants or favorite skirt?

I think what amazes me most is the sheer ignorance of this potential product. While it’s still in development and hasn’t been released yet, it’s not realistic. Women have been doing just fine since the invention of tampons, pads, and menstrual cups thank you very much. The other thing that amazes me is this doctor thinks that women are angry with him because “he’s a man.” No, Dr. Dopps, we would still be angry with you even if you were a woman. And we’re not angry. In reality, we are mystified and find it hilarious that someone would think of something so stupid and actually call it ‘functional.’ When you’ve tested this on your wife, sister, daughter, nieces, and female friends and they approve it, then let us know.

Until then I say to you, no sir, I will NOT glue my labia shut during my period.

Gabby Davis

Aspiring writer hoping to change the world one story at a time with a little humor along the way. Like Rory Gilmore you'll never find me without a book close by. Foodie. Lover of life and all its beauty.

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