The Bachelor Breakdown: Post-Orgasm Montages, Arguments About Naps, & Cheese Pasta

The question on everyone’s mind: Did Raven get her orgasm?!

And the answer is: Apparently, according to the cheesy montage after her fantasy suite date, complete with high-fives to strangers and walking on a stone wall to upbeat music. You do you, Raven.

 

Rachel’s Fantasy Suite Date

Screen Shot 2017-03-07 at 8.51.26 AM

Rachel and Nick attempt to cross country ski and Rachel just cannot handle her sh*t. Girl’s a hot mess on those things. All of a sudden, reindeer! In real life! As much fun as she’s having, Rachel says she’s intentionally holding back because she’s scared of getting hurt. Nick adorably calls her out about her little meltdown on the volleyball date, and it would all be so sweet IF WE DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW SHE LOSES. Ugh. They go on a sleigh ride pulled by a reindeer and it’s actually really sweet. Then she asks if she should call him Saint Nick and the moment is gone.

During their evening date time, she tells him she’s falling in love with him and giggles adorably. Nick tells her he is falling for her “100%” Off they go to the fantasy suite. Snuggles on snuggles in the little cabin. “I know we are going to go so much deeper than we have before,” Rachel says. Hey, girl, hey.

 

Vanessa’s Fantasy Suite Date

Capture

Walking into this date, Vanessa says she’s feeling like things didn’t end well in Montreal, so she’s hoping to have some questions answered. Nick brings her to a frozen bucket of water, and tells her they are going to be running back and forth between a sauna and the ice bath. Vanessa is flipping the eff out. He makes her walk across the snowy walkway and into the icy bucket, where they stay for a whole 10 seconds and then run back into the sauna. Then they do it AGAIN! Vanessa ends up loving it and Nick just hates it. Once they’re done with the bizarre ice baths, they get right down to business talking about Vanessa’s family and how traditional they are. “What if we’re too similar?” Nick asks awkwardly, after Vanessa says there are some core values she won’t compromise on.

That night, the conversation gets heavy again, as Vanessa says in her mind getting engaged is like being married, and she only wants to do that once. Every time Vanessa speaks she’s just saying how much she loves Nick but hates when they talk, so that’s fun. She tells him how much she loves him, but Nick says his relationship with Vanessa has the potential to have a lot of conflict. Off to the fantasy suite they go, as Vanessa calls Nick her “other half.”  The next morning she says she now has a better appreciate for who Nick is. Mhmmm.

 

Rose Ceremony

Alright, here we go. Nick is a hot mess. Raven gets the first rose (!!!), which leaves Rachel and Vanessa, but Rachel’s already been confirmed as the next Bachelorette, so no surprise here when Vanessa gets the second rose.

Our hearts break for Rachel, but deep down we know she’s too good for Nick and we’re already thinking about the Bachelorette.

 

Women Tell All

maxresdefault (3)

It’s time. Let’s do this. Taylor and Corinne back in the same room. It’s about to go down.

They start off with a super staged “Bachelor” watch-party crashing. Super awkward. Apparently this is a thing they do every year, but like. Why. They even visit a sorority because it’s the Bachelor, why not??

We get to re-live all the most awkward moments of conflict and controversy, landing on the Taylor-Corinne feud. Sarah launches into it, calling Corinne out for napping during the rose ceremony. All the girls jump on board until Josephine jumps in, saying “who are we to judge what she does with her time.” Another girl brings Taylor into  the conversation, saying she’s not a good mental health counselor and the ladies unleash, talking over each other until Chris Harrison butts in and whistles until he gets their attention.

Liz takes the hot seat first. Liz says she was trying to get over someone when she and Nick hooked up at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, and at the time Nick was a “bandaid.” Then she decided she wanted to get to know him better. Whitney interrupts her and asks why Liz didn’t get in touch with him in the nine months between the wedding and the show. Liz says she tried to contact him but he was busy, getting ready for the show. She says the one thing she’s found is that no matter who you are and what you have done, the people who love you matter. All the ladies nod in agreement, telling her how much they adore her and what she does.

Taylor takes the hot seat next to discuss her “epic battle” (Chris Harrison’s words, not mine) with Corinne. Taylor is clearly embarrassed by how aggressive she was on the show. She blames the end of her relationship with Nick on the drama in the house, and defines “emotional intelligence” as the ability to regulate intelligence and pick up on the emotions of the other women in the house. She addresses Corinne directly, and Corinne has none of it. Taylor said she tried to help Corinne, but the women interrupt, calling Taylor out for not getting to know Corinne. Corinne walks off the stage and returns a minute later with a glass of champagne, interrupting Taylor’s interview and clearly throwing Taylor off. “I don’t think you realize the impact the thing you said had on my life,” she says to Corinne. Whitney chimes in, “I think you’re condescending in your own way…” Cue the applause.

Capture

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Corinne takes the stage. After watching her highlight reel back, Corinne says she was just trying to be “sexy, flirty and fun,” but that she came off as more promiscuous than she had intended. Chris asks about her nap, and she comes back with “What nap?” And then she says, “Everybody naps, just like everybody poops, there’s a book about it.” There she is. All of the other women say they all had anxiety as well, but showed up to the ceremony instead. When she says she never said anything mean about anyone, the women lose it. Chris brings up the feud with Taylor and the swamp date. Then they actually start arguing about napping. For a solid minute.

During Corinne’s time in the hot seat, Taylor apologizes to anyone in the house who she might have made feel as though she was better than them. Corinne says there is nothing she wants to say to Taylor and nothing she wants to hear from Taylor. Chris asks her a couple of times, but she refuses to apologize. Eventually, she says she held a grudge against Taylor because she felt attacked by Taylor. Taylor says she was in the wrong for saying mean things to Corinne and then we finally get to move on.

Corinne tells Chris that her mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and the family expected Corinne’s mother to die, and Raquel was “my rock.” “Raquel is a godsend to me and there’s no way I’ll ever disrespect her.” Then Corinne brings out CHEESE PASTA for everyone.

Capture

Kristina takes the hot seat next and we prepare for tears. “Seeing myself being vulnerable, I don’t usually let people in, and letting him in was a little bit tougher,” she said. She tells Chris that a teacher told her if she stayed in Russia her life would be in black and white and she’d likely end up as a prostitute. “I am living a life full of color, lots of red,” she joked, because she’s the sweetest. She says she carries a lot of guilt for leaving her family behind. All of the women are brought to tears, especially Liz. “The fact that we are up here arguing, when women in these times should be building each other up, not tearing each other down,” Liz says. Kristina gets a well-deserved standing ovation.

Next up, Nick takes the stage, to thunderous applause, right into the lion’s den. Lacey comes at him real fast (also who the eff is Lacy?!) complaining about how Nick friend-zoned her, and Alexis (AKA Dolphin Girl) chimes in: “I was in the friend zone and I was super happy there.” When asked about Corinne, he says whenever he underestimated her, she surprised him. Corinne says she appreciates all the time they spent together and it’s a surprisingly cordial exchange. When talking about Kristina, Nick gets instantly choked up. “She exuded this zest for life,” he said. Kristina asks Nick what was missing after their amazing one-on-one date. On the spot, Nick says it was a “brutal decision,” but something in his heart told him there wasn’t something there. Nick handles the whole exchange very well, a big change from how he handled things in the show.

Christen asks Nick if he has found that “great love” he set out to find, and he and Chris both say “tune in next week!”

 

Gillian Smith

Gillian is a videographer by day and a writer by night. A native of Boston, MA, she is a loyal Red Sox fan, company member of DanceWorks Boston, and lover of baked goods. She does not eat ketchup.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.