10 Thoughts Every Woman Has When She Thinks She’s Pregnant—But Isn’t Trying To Get Pregnant

bitch-might-be-pregnant

We’ve all been there. Whether you’re having regular sex with your longtime S/O or you had a one-time hook up session with a rando you met at the bar last night, you’ve probably had a ~pregnancy scare~ at least one time leading up to your period.

I constantly jump to the conclusion that I’m pregnant whenever I feel gross or have gained a few pounds because I need an excuse for my body’s evil behavior. I obviously am in place to be pregnant right now, though, so I don’t want the answer to be that I’m pregnant. I would totally rather have gained some weight. But still. There’s also the times my period goes MIA and I’m like where u at girl, and she TAKES HER SWEET ASS TIME to come, leading me to go into a state of panic that she is never coming again and … that I am pregnant. Alas, she always comes.

No matter how many times this happens, I will always have a panic attack fearing the worst the week or so leading up to my period. Even if I haven’t had sex in a while. I mean, you never know.

Here are 10 thoughts every lady not tryna get pregnant has had after you deciding YOU ARE DEFINITELY PREGNANT when you are most likely definitely not.


 

1. I feel huge.

I look huge. No, I look disgusting. How am I this bloated right? I don’t even have my period. *Steps on scale* Holy shit, I gained 3 pounds. How could this have happened? There’s only one answer: I MUST BE PREGNANT. Help.

 

2. How much money does an abortion cost?

Can I even afford an abortion? What about the abortion pill? I don’t really feel like having surgery. How does the surgery even work? How does the PILL work? Do I have to take time off of work for this? Have I even accrued enough time off yet to deal with this? ALSO, can I even get an abortion anymore? Like, what’s the cut off age? Am I too far along for an abortion? How far along could I possibly be? I don’t even know if I’m pregnant, I should calm down.

 

3. Am I too old to get an abortion?

Like, should I even be thinking like this? I’m in my mid-20s. My parents had me in their mid-20s. Am I supposed to have a baby at this age if the opportunity presents itself? I’M SO POOR THOUGH. I can’t even take care of myself. Like, this could have been avoided if Plan B wasn’t so god damn expensive. 50 dollars?!!? No thanks. I’ve got rent to pay and booze to drink. See, totally not ready for a child… I am a child.

 

4. My life is over.

My youth is fleeting. I just want to drink. You can’t drink when you’re pregnant though. Oh my god, I can’t be pregnant. I would have to stay in instead of going out… ALL. THE. TIME. I would have to spend money on a baby instead of on myself. THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING.

 

5. Should I tell the father?

Who even is the father?

 

6. Should I tell my mom?

Who even is my mom? Just kidding. But should I say something?

 

7. What about my friends?

How would I tell my friends that I CAN’T DRINK FOR 9 MONTHS? How would I tell the world I’M HAVING A CHILD? Like, if I have to give birth to this child, I couldn’t just disappear. I’d have to tell my friends, my co-workers, my social media family. Like, would I have to announce this on Facebook? I wonder how many likes the status would get. I like likes.

 

8. Also, how much is it going hurt to give birth?

I have a high tolerance for pain (I think), but I don’t think I’m ready for A HUMAN BEING TO COME SHOOTING OUT OF MY VAGINA. LIKE, WHO EVEN MADE THIS WHOLE PROCESS UP? WHO THOUGHT A BABY COMING OUT OF A VAGINA WAS A GOOD IDEA?

 

9. Wait – calm down, you don’t even know if you’re pregnant yet.

You might just be fat.

 

10. Okay, I guess I’ll take the test.

*Takes test* Negative. How accurate is this shit though? I’m taking another. NEGATIVE AGAIN. Guess I’m not preggers. I really wanted an excuse for gaining weight other than eating too much pizza and drinking too much wine, though. Ugh. Whatever. I should probably look into using those condom things next time.

Samantha Matt

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still going. My first book, AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME, is coming out in January (you can buy it right now on Amazon or from your fave bookstore!). I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Writing is fun. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @20somethingproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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