10 Thoughts Every Woman Has When She Thinks She’s Pregnant—But Isn’t Trying To Get Pregnant

bitch-might-be-pregnant

We’ve all been there. Whether you’re having regular sex with your longtime S/O or you had a one-time hook up session with a rando you met at the bar last night, you’ve probably had a ~pregnancy scare~ at least one time leading up to your period.

I constantly jump to the conclusion that I’m pregnant whenever I feel gross or have gained a few pounds because I need an excuse for my body’s evil behavior. I obviously am in place to be pregnant right now, though, so I don’t want the answer to be that I’m pregnant. I would totally rather have gained some weight. But still. There’s also the times my period goes MIA and I’m like where u at girl, and she TAKES HER SWEET ASS TIME to come, leading me to go into a state of panic that she is never coming again and … that I am pregnant. Alas, she always comes.

No matter how many times this happens, I will always have a panic attack fearing the worst the week or so leading up to my period. Even if I haven’t had sex in a while. I mean, you never know.

Here are 10 thoughts every lady not tryna get pregnant has had after you deciding YOU ARE DEFINITELY PREGNANT when you are most likely definitely not.


 

1. I feel huge.

I look huge. No, I look disgusting. How am I this bloated right? I don’t even have my period. *Steps on scale* Holy shit, I gained 3 pounds. How could this have happened? There’s only one answer: I MUST BE PREGNANT. Help.

 

2. How much money does an abortion cost?

Can I even afford an abortion? What about the abortion pill? I don’t really feel like having surgery. How does the surgery even work? How does the PILL work? Do I have to take time off of work for this? Have I even accrued enough time off yet to deal with this? ALSO, can I even get an abortion anymore? Like, what’s the cut off age? Am I too far along for an abortion? How far along could I possibly be? I don’t even know if I’m pregnant, I should calm down.

 

3. Am I too old to get an abortion?

Like, should I even be thinking like this? I’m in my mid-20s. My parents had me in their mid-20s. Am I supposed to have a baby at this age if the opportunity presents itself? I’M SO POOR THOUGH. I can’t even take care of myself. Like, this could have been avoided if Plan B wasn’t so god damn expensive. 50 dollars?!!? No thanks. I’ve got rent to pay and booze to drink. See, totally not ready for a child… I am a child.

 

4. My life is over.

My youth is fleeting. I just want to drink. You can’t drink when you’re pregnant though. Oh my god, I can’t be pregnant. I would have to stay in instead of going out… ALL. THE. TIME. I would have to spend money on a baby instead of on myself. THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING.

 

5. Should I tell the father?

Who even is the father?

 

6. Should I tell my mom?

Who even is my mom? Just kidding. But should I say something?

 

7. What about my friends?

How would I tell my friends that I CAN’T DRINK FOR 9 MONTHS? How would I tell the world I’M HAVING A CHILD? Like, if I have to give birth to this child, I couldn’t just disappear. I’d have to tell my friends, my co-workers, my social media family. Like, would I have to announce this on Facebook? I wonder how many likes the status would get. I like likes.

 

8. Also, how much is it going hurt to give birth?

I have a high tolerance for pain (I think), but I don’t think I’m ready for A HUMAN BEING TO COME SHOOTING OUT OF MY VAGINA. LIKE, WHO EVEN MADE THIS WHOLE PROCESS UP? WHO THOUGHT A BABY COMING OUT OF A VAGINA WAS A GOOD IDEA?

 

9. Wait – calm down, you don’t even know if you’re pregnant yet.

You might just be fat.

 

10. Okay, I guess I’ll take the test.

*Takes test* Negative. How accurate is this shit though? I’m taking another. NEGATIVE AGAIN. Guess I’m not preggers. I really wanted an excuse for gaining weight other than eating too much pizza and drinking too much wine, though. Ugh. Whatever. I should probably look into using those condom things next time.

Samantha Matt

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still going. I like pizza, French fries, barre class, spinning, more pizza, more French fries, and clothes. I have a serious shopping problem. Writing is fun. Follow me on the twitter - @samanthamatt1.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.