After years of watching mouths drop after telling people I don’t watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette (how dare I, a trend-obsessed 20-something, not watch today’s trendiest reality show?!), I caved. Why did everyone glue themselves to the TV with large groups of friends and multiple bottles of wine every Monday night? Why did everyone root for people who barely knew each other to get engaged? And why THA FUCK was everyone okay with the fact that people were dating a bunch of people at the same time seconds before getting engaged?
I didn’t get it. But I wanted to get it. So I set out to watch a season of The Bachelorette.
I on-and-off watched JoJo’s season. It was hard for me to get into it and, well, commit. Committing is hard. Committing to watching a bunch of strangers attempt to commit to others strangers is even harder. The one episode I actually did watch was the finale, and I was so intrigued at the whole engagement-at-the-end thing that I decided to watch The Bachelor season 21 starring Nick Viall. Unlike the rest of ‘Bachelor Nation’ (why is that a thing?), I had no idea who this guy was, but after the first minute of watching, I wondered if all the bachelors were this boring and lame? I continued watching because 1. the ladies were amusing and 2. live tweeting the show made me feel like I actually had friends, since most nights it’s just me and my laptop kicking back on the couch. Oh my god, I need a life.
Of course, I had to watch Rachel’s season, because once you start watching, how can you stop? It was an interesting season to say the least until the finale when it became a V INTERESTING SEASON. Like, Rachel, R U KIDDING? You and Peter were acting like a REAL couple with all that fighting! That was passion, y’all. Especially the ‘mediocre life’ comment. 100% something I would say to someone I loved. Anyway, you both have gap-toothed smiles. DOES LOVE GET ANY MORE REAL? NO. But also, love doesn’t exist. We know that because Anna Faris and Chris Pratt just split, so nothing should surprise us anymore.
If I found out my fiance would have turned down my proposal if someone else proposed instead, I would prob jump ship. Bryan, hi. But if you go on this show, I guess you’re aware you’re putting yourself in that situation.
After watching a few seasons, I can say this world, this process, this show… isn’t for me. Here’s why I would never be able to go on The Bachelor/Bachelorette, other than the fact I’m not hot enough and would never get invited to be on it, but THAT’S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE.
1. They take away your phone.
Right off the bat, I can tell you I would never survive in a place that doesn’t let you have your phone. The other day, I got summoned for federal jury duty next month and I’ve already had six panic attacks because I won’t be able to bring my phone into the court. Even when I get my nails done for 45 minutes, I shake from the anxiety of not being able to touch my phone. There’s no way in hell I could survive in a place where I can’t pretend I’m doing important things on my phone to avoid talking to people I don’t want to talk to.
2. You can’t go on the internet.
I always need to know what is happening when it’s happening-with friends, family, celebrities, random people I follow on Instagram, etc. I also need to post to my website and to social media. I realize you can gain a big social presence from going on this show, but I’m not about to have internet withdrawals on live television to get an average of 51,000 followers.
3. I don’t think I could take that much time off work without losing my job or going broke?
I have 15 vacation days and I’m not about to use them to hang out with a bunch of strangers who are competing for the same man as me. But also, 15 days isn’t even enough time to take off to go on The Bachelor if you actually make it that far. Are there companies out there that provide paid leave for reality TV shooting? Because I’m confused.
4. I have a fear of flying.
I fly occasionally, and it’s fine, especially if you pop a Xanax, drink a glass of wine, pass out, miss a lightning show taking place on both sides of the plane, and become numb to turbulence. But I’m not about to take a bunch of long ass flights in a short period of time. Especially if you want me to go to somewhere where there is snow. If I have to fly, I’m going somewhere I can tan. That’s a done deal.
5. I have an even bigger fear of helicopters and small planes.
No chance am I ever getting on a helicopter or small plane, ever. EVER. If I arrived somewhere and my date was like ‘ya we’re getting on this small plane and going to the best place on earth,’ I would say ‘FUCK NO, you should have discussed this with me before, next.’
6. They expect you to get engaged without living together first.
I get that many people in real life do not live together before getting engaged, but they don’t even spend an extended period of time staying over each other’s homes on The Bachelor. How do you know if someone is clean or messy? How do you know if someone is barely home? How do you know if someone is secretly lazy and therefore, gross? YA DON’T.
7. They expect you to get engaged to someone without seeing what they are like IRL and on social media.
Since you can’t use phones or internet, how do you know if your potential ‘mate’ is addicted to their phone (like me)? How do you know if they write annoying political rants on Facebook or don’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re? How do you know they are addicted to work and refuse to take time off to travel? Again, YA DON’T.
8. I don’t like the idea of rushing things.
They always say ‘we’re going to take time to get to know each other’ after getting engaged on The Bachelor, so how can you also be 100% committed to a life with someone you still need to get to know? Honestly, I’d rather be with a guy who sees a future with me but wants to make sure it’s right in the real world than a guy rushing to propose. After all, all relationships have the chance of ending WHO KNEW?!
9. WHERE IS THE STARBUCKS?
Is a producer doing daily Starbucks runs? Can you get coffee delivered to the house? What about while traveling? I’m not about that Keurig life or hotel coffee. I need my Starbucks or good-Indie-coffee-shop coffee every day, unless I am sick. Which brings me to another point, what do you do if you’re sick? Like cold sick, stomach sick, etc? Not a reason I wouldn’t go on the show, but I really would prefer to not get diarrhea on TV.
10. Having roommates as a grown adult is not something I’m trying to get into.
I’m not in college. I’m not in my early 20s. I’m not even my mid 20s. I’m a grown ass adult who has no interest in living with anyone except my partner ever again, unless it’s family to save money but that has nothing to do with this article. Living in a sorority house as an adult (not to mention, that is filled with video cameras) sounds like a fucking nightmare. Actually, living in a sorority house in college sounded like a nightmare, so I don’t even KNOW what this sounds like. But everyone seems to make great friends on this show and they make so much money after on Instagram and there is free food and wine so
…I could be persuaded, I guess.