Your 20s are full of lies. Lies to yourself. Lies to others. Lies to your diet. Lies to you bank account.
It’s not just your 20s that are full of lies. Life, in general, is too. I mean, I’ve been lying to myself since I was 10 years old about losing a few pounds. And since I was 15, I’ve been lying about moving to New York or Los Angeles. My favorite lie? “I’m going to eat healthy for real this week.” I can never make it past Tuesday.
People lie to me all the time too. “I’ll text you,” “I’ll call you,” “Let’s hang out.” And it doesn’t stop there—I see lies all over social media every day. Basically, we’re all a bunch of liars. If you disagree, please prove to me that you’ve never told yourself or someone else one of the below. Because I’m pretty sure every adult human tells these 10 lies on a regular basis.
1. I’ll wake up early and do it in the morning.
Translation: I’m going to sleep through my alarm tomorrow, run to work with my hair in a ponytail because I’ll have no time to shower, and not get whatever I wanted to get done. Then that thing will haunt me for months until I actually do it… and after I do it, I will celebrate my accomplishments by putting off everything else I have to do, and in a few months this will all happen again. Oh my god what is this vicious circle of life I am in right now?
2. I would love to catch up…
…on the TV show I’m binging on Netflix. Sorry, did you think I meant with you? Because if I wanted to catch up, I wouldn’t delay it with the comment “I would love to catch up.” I would just straight up catch up with you. I’d ask what you’re up to and other questions about your life. I feel like we use the phrase “we should catch up” to be nice, but honestly is there anything more rude than lying to someone about the fact you care about them?
3. I can’t do Tuesday night, I’m busy.
If I was really busy, I would tell you what I was busy with. If I signed up for a workout class and I don’t want to be charged a cancel fee, I’ll tell you. If I have a work thing, I’ll tell you. If I have a hair appointment or plans with someone else, I’ll tell you. But if I just tell you I’m “busy,” chances are I’m not doing anything. “Busy” is a great term for people to use who can’t come up with a good excuse for canceling or rejecting plans.
4. I’m so close to paying off my credit card.
I always get close to paying off my credit card, and then another expense comes along, each time becoming pricer. It’s like as my preferences for alcohol and clothes get more expensive, so do the necessities I need to exist. Like houses and cars and CHILDREN. I will never actually pay off my credit cards, will I?
5. I’m going to get so much done this weekend.
Friday night: Sits on couch with pizza and Netflix for seven hours.
Saturday: Sleeps in by accident. Works out, maybe, around 11. Showers and sits on bed naked scrolling through Instagram until it’s suddenly 5pm. Decides to go out with friends even though you wanted to stay in so you could be productive on Sunday. Tries to have one drink. Fails.
Sunday: Hungover. Goes grocery shopping around 3pm even though you wanted to go at 9am. Does not work out. Meal preps for the week if you have the energy (you probably don’t). Suddenly it’s 8pm and you never made dinner, but it’s dark out so it’s too late to be productive. Sits on couch until going to bed.
6. I can swing that!
“No you can’t,” said the Bank Account. But you know what’s fun? IGNORING THE BANK ACCOUNT, PRETENDING SHE DOESN’T EXIST, AND RECKLESSLY SWIPING YOUR CREDIT CARD LIKE THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST. This is Cady Heron’s fault. Someone should ground her, but also let her go to the school dance. The limit DOES in fact exist. God Cady, you are so stupid.
7. I need to cancel tonight, work got nuts.
*leaves work on time* *skips the gym* *sits on the couch and watches TV for 5 hours before going to bed*
8. Sorry I’m responding now, I just saw this in my spam.
This may come as a shock, but no one reads their spam. Especially me. I can’t even manage to look at the emails in my inbox, but you truly believe I’m checking spam? Girllllllllll, I either forgot to respond or I just didn’t feel like responding. I would put money on the fact I responded in my head while driving, though. I respond to everything I want to respond to in my head while driving.
9. Sorry I’m responding now, I missed your text.
Your text was not missed. Your text was neglected and left to rot (or I responded to it in my head while driving). Honestly, no response at all is often better than the “sorry” response a few days later. However, all of us do this. Oh well.
10. Oh yeah, I know who that is.
No, actually I don’t know that is. She’s an actress? He’s a rapper? They’re a boy band? I don’t know who any of these people are, but I’m going to pretend I do. Interacting with younger people as a real adult is like being stuck in an IRL version of the VMAs. You thought you were hip, but young people are now constantly reminding you that you ain’t. You’re still young enough to pretend though. SO PRETEND U WILL, CAUSE LIFE IS SHORT BUT—wait I’ll stop, the Dave Matthews reference is dating me, isn’t it?