So a fun thing happens after you turn 25 – you STOP caring. About anythiing. Your give-a-fuck meter consistently waves at “NONE.” This especially becomes true about new people in your life. After a certain point, here are the people you’ll only pretend to like (but actually give no fucks about) during your 20’s. These people include:
1. Mutual Friends
No. Yeah, still no. Weird…still DON’T GIVE SHIT YOU TWO WORK TOGETHER. I have enough friends, thanks. I don’t need to pretend add my friends’ coworkers to the list. That’s just unfair and ridiculous.
If you’re actually awesome and we happen to cross paths via work, that’s one thing. But, if we’ve never spoken and you just expect me to show up to the brunch you’re throwing because we work together, fuck you.
3. Friends Significant Others
I think it’s awesome you’re making my friend happy, but so were a bunch of batteries a week ago. Don’t expect me to jump up and congratulate you on a successful Tinder date the first time you come home. I don’t care.
I actually sweat through MONTHS of deliberation before leaving my company, all because I was too terrified to tell my direct supervisor I though he was a bigot, racist, asshole (who has recently tried to add me on LinkedIn, unclear).
I know I’m going to pretend we broke up and are being adults, but I secretly only want you to get fat and die young and alone. And for your next girlfriend to have herpes. K BYE.
6. High School Friends
OMG COOL!! You’re the cheerleading coach now!? That’s awesome!! What’s it like to have been the former fat girl on your high school cheer squad who became a high school math teacher and now is the coach of some sport you two formerly participated in together? TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MADE UP GLUTEN ALLERGY! Go Eagles!
7. High School Nemesis
8. Significant Others’ Family Members
Congratulations. I’ve done a lot of pornographic things to your prodigal son. We’ve both seen his asshole, but you saw it 25 years ago and when it was significantly less hairy. Either way, I actually don’t care about being your friend. Want to know why, MOM OF BOYFRIEND? Because I have enough friends of my own. Yes, I respect you, but I don’t want to talk to you more frequently than a cordial exchange requires.
OH HEY PEOPLE WHO LIVE NEAR ME. I really only need you to call the cops if my apartment gets broken into. I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to see your new baby. I just want you to be quiet at 3:00 AM on a Tuesday night.
10. Fuck Buddies
I’m not looking for love, which is why you’ve become my go-to after 2:00 AM. I think it’s great you can show up and perform, but that’s all I’m looking for. I don’t need you to take me to brunch and please don’t tell your friends about this. Trust me, I’m half as embarrassed by this setup as you are, but you know what? It’s working because there is minimal talking required. I don’t care if you’re upset. Frankly, this works best if I know nothing about you besides what to do with your dick.