As many of you know, tonight the winner of the Mega Millions jackpot will be announced… and that lucky person will take away 640 million dollars or more. WTF.

At some point today, I will be purchasing a ticket… or two… because why not? I’m not usually into this stuff, but when the lotto is that large, why not contribute to it and make some lucky dude who lives on a farm even richer? Because we all know some rando old redneck man with a beard and 20 kids is going to win…

But even though I know there is no way I would ever win, it’s fun to think about what I would do with that much money. After thinking about it, I decided that I would still want to live a ‘normal’ life. As awesome as it seems to live a life of luxury on the beach while taking occasional ‘gym breaks’ and hosting ‘charity meetings’ (The OC… Revenge… hello!), I would still want to fit in with everyone around me… and obviously I would still want to work. I can’t sit still for 2 seconds – never mind the rest of my entire life – so I would dedicate my ‘new’ life to forming my own company (based off of this website – duh), paying people to listen to my ideas and air them on national TV, and helping other 20-somethings get jobs (vote me for prez!).

After I won, I would start by putting away (and I guess ‘investing’ – whatever that means) a lot of the money. I would obvs give a good chunk of the money to my family (and maybe some close friends) and give a bunch of it to different charities (of course these charities would be decided over multiple glasses of wine with other rich people). I would then pay people to design and build new houses for my family and me… and after, I would pay other people to decorate these house. In addition to this, everyone would get a brand new car (yes, I stole this idea from Oprah).

After I did all the normal, ‘good-person stuff’ that is above, I would of course take care of myself… AKA major shopping spree (possibly with a very expensive personal stylist) and other extremely superficial things. Here are 10 things I would treat myself to if I ever won the Mega Millions:

1. A classic black Chanel bag.

2. A neon Chanel bag.

3. My own island.

4. Penthouses in NYC, Vegas, and LA.

5. A personal live-in hair stylist.

6. A celebrity personal trainer.

7. A football team (Ari Gold?)

8. The entire shoe department at Nordstrom.

9. Justin Bieber. Yes I would purchase Justin Bieber. I wonder how much he costs anyway…

9. I was kidding about the Biebs, so one of those ridiculous Mercedes AMG cars.

10. Facebook.

Now that no one wants me to win the Mega Millions (for very good reasons, I’m sure)… I hope I do just to spite you all.

Good luck 20-somethings. I hope at least one of us wins.


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.


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