The day I turned 26, I deemed myself ‘almost 30.’ To me, it was the beginning of the end. I was no longer in the middle of my 20s. I had crossed over to the other side. The dark side.

Or so I thought.

It wasn’t until I turned 29 that it hit me: I was REALLY almost 30. After years of joking around about being almost 30, there was nothing to joke about anymore. It was really coming. For years, I had set my sights on that number: 30, panicking about everything I had to accomplish and get over before the age of “doom.” The problem: I wasted WAY TOO MUCH TIME obsessing about what I should do before 30 instead of actually doing things. Now that I am really, legitimately almost 30, I’m not panicking. It would be a waste of time to panic. Plus, I will still have time to do things after I turn 30, so what’s the rush?

This whole revelation about turning 30 made me realize a lot. I’ve changed, my interests have changed, and everything is going to continue to change (not stop!) as life goes on. Finally, I get it. I get a lot of other things now, too. Here are 10 of them… maybe if you’re really almost 30, too, you’ll also understand.


1. There is no greater dish on a restaurant menu than a cheese plate.

Actually wait—I mean *Charcuterie* board. Because being a grown up is being able to pronounce Charcuterie. I AM SUCH A GROWN UP.


2. Spending $70 at Target on home decor on a Saturday morning is okay because you’re no longer spending $70 while out every Saturday night.

You know you’re an adult when you spend more money on home decor than you do on your social life. It’s like, do I need this glass giraffe statue? No, but it’s only $25, which would have equaled 2 drinks when I used to go out, but I’m staying in tonight so it’s fine.


3. If you don’t meal prep on Sunday, your week will be a disastrous shit show featuring pizza and snacks.

Not only do I eat poorly when I don’t meal prep, I am an all around mess. I refuse to wake up in the morning. I don’t clean. I run around panicked about the day ahead without eating breakfast. I don’t bring lunch to work. I get depressed and then I don’t want to move from the couch to go work out. I never feel like making dinner. I BECOME A MESS. A MESS I TELL YOU. How did I function when I used to spend my Sundays at drunk brunch? I honestly don’t know.


4. Wrinkles and crow’s feet are coming for all of us, and there’s honestly not much we can do about it without a fuck ton of money.

Surprise: if you don’t take care of your skin, the more you will notice wrinkles and other stuff before 30. I admit, I didn’t take good care of my skin in my 20s, and now I look in the mirror and feel old. There’s crow’s feet around my eyes and wrinkles other places. I am trying to take better care of my skin now so I can feel better about the fact I cannot afford botox, but I do wish I realized it earlier. OH WELL.


5. If you’re going out to dinner, you’re going out.

One of my brothers asked me last Saturday if I was going out that night. It was 630pm. I was at a bar sipping on a margarita with friends before our 730pm dinner reservation. I said ‘I am out.’ He replied, ‘no, tonight,’ and I said, ‘it is tonight.’ Back in the day, I only considered myself to be “going out” if I was pre-gaming and drunkenly going to a bar with 30 of my closest friends. If I was just going out to dinner and would be home before 10pm, I was “staying in.” Now, I consider a night out to be dinner and drinks with friends. The tables have turned.


6. The only part of your makeup routine you have to do in the morning to feel confident is fill in your brows.

After you do your skincare routine of course. But seriously—if your brows are on point, your day will be on point. The end.


7. Spending lots of money on fitness classes is okay when you stop spending lots of money on alcohol and Ubers. 

Hey everyone who keeps giving me shit for paying for 1-3 SoulCycle classes a week. Yes, it’s expensive. But guess what? I used to spend that money on booze and transportation to booze each week. Now I don’t (usually). I also make more money. So do the math, my friends. I have money for these classes. Yes, I could be saving that money or spending it elsewhere, but I’m not. Do I wish my life was a little more social? Sure. But I prefer working out a number of times per week, so get off my case because I’m almost 30—I did the money math and it makes sense for me. Bye.


8. You can never have too many furry or fleece blankets. 

I think I enjoy wrapping myself up in my knock off Pottery Barn blankets more than I enjoyed blacking out at age 23. Actually, I’m not sure about that. I was very into blacking out at 23. It was a problem. Or at least I think it was. I can’t remember


9. Flowers are nice.

And worth keeping alive, if possible. But honestly, if people my age are keeping babies alive, then I can keep flowers alive. Right? RIGHT????? WHY CAN’T I KEEP FLOWERS ALIVE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Oh right, it’s because I’m too self-involved and I’m not trying to keep the flowers alive. That makes sense.


10. You’re not almost 30 until you have less than a year left until you turn 30.

Bitch please. If you are 26, you are not ‘close to 30.’ Just because your age is closer to 30 than it is to 20, that does NOT mean you are close to 30. The same goes if you are 27 or even 28. At 29, you can’t panic. There’s nothing to panic about. 30 is happening, and nothing major is going to change because of that. You are you, and you’re going to continue being you and doing you even after turning 30. I didn’t understand this until 29. I wish I got this earlier, but honestly, it’s what makes being 29 so special. Realizing this about life makes getting older better. Acceptance is where it’s at.


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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