Networking events might be the most awkward events ever. You may say you’re there to meet people, but we all know you’re really only there for the free food and drinks… assuming there is free food and drinks. One time I went to a networking event and there was no alcohol. I left.

But, yeah, networking ain’t easy. Does anyone even really know how to network? THANK GOD FOR WINE.


Here are 100 thoughts I have every time I go to a networking event… because I keep going to them… and I don’t know why.

  1. Ok, here we are.  Let’s do this. Let’s mingle.
  2. What even is “mingling?”
  3. Everyone looks so put together. Why am I wearing this?
  4. Wow it’s hot.
  5. I’m taking off my cardigan.
  6. Oh no, I’m putting it back on.
  7. Oh my god, I think I’m getting sweat stains.
  8. I wonder if I can run to CVS and back to get deodorant.
  9. Would anyone even notice if I left?
  10. Would I even need to come back?
  11. No, stop. You should stay.
  12. There’s wine.
  13. I should probably talk to people.
  14. How do you talk to people?
  15. Do you approach them?
  16. Do they approach you?
  18. I’m getting wine.
  19. Yum.
  20. Oh my god my name tag is in my hair.
  21. Why does this always happen?
  22. **Tries to stick name tag back on chest** Now it looks like I’m playing with my breast.
  23. …And it’s not sticking.
  24. Great.
  25. I’ll put it on my cardigan.
  26. And keep my hair to one side.
  27. Okay, food.
  28. It’s free.
  29. But no one has touched it yet.
  30. I can’t be the first one to touch the food.
  31. Or can I?
  32. Whatever I’ll wait.
  33. Okay, let’s make friends.
  34. Those girls look nice.
  35. Let me sneak a peak at their name tags…
  36. Oh, no need to talk to those people.
  37. Next.
  38. This person looks approachable!
  39. Smile, say your name, shake hands.
  40. It’s not that hard.
  41. YOU DID IT.
  42. Okay, this girl seems nice.
  43. Wait what was her name?
  44. I completely forget her name.
  45. Her name tag is hiding underneath her cardigan. Wow.
  46. Okay, when do I end this conversation?
  47. How do you end a conversation?
  48. Like at what point do you walk away from someone at a networking event when the conversation is clearly over?
  49. Okay, she’s making an exit.
  50. Phew.
  51. Ugh, I already finished my wine.
  52. Should I get another glass?
  53. Has anyone else gotten another glass?
  54. How many glasses can I drink without looking like I’m only here for the wine?
  55. Okay, I’ll wait to get another glass…
  56. Where can I put this glass in the meantime?
  57. Do trash barrels not exist at networking events.
  58. **Casually puts glass on random table and walks away** Nothing to see here…
  59. Okay, back to networking.
  60. AKA standing her awkwardly not knowing what to do.
  61. What am I supposed to do with my hands with no drink?
  62. Seriously, are they just supposed to hang?
  63. Do I clasp them in front of my stomach like I’m doing an on camera interview?
  64. Or should I just play with my phone?
  65. I guess I haven’t checked my email in 10 minutes…
  66. Or Instagram…
  67. Or Facebook…
  70. Fuck this, I’m getting another wine.
  71. Now food.
  72. Pizza.
  73. Ahh, it’s so greasy.
  74. How am I supposed to eat pizza and hold this glass of wine at the same time?
  75. Here comes a prospective new friend…
  76. She smiled at me.
  77. Is she walking towards me?
  78. Or the pizza?
  79. Or both?
  80. I should just say hi.
  81. She can’t really expect me to shake her hand right now, can she?
  82. Okay, I guess so.
  85. I feel like this girl doesn’t like me.
  86. What did I even just say?
  87. I’m talking way too much.
  88. I should just slow fade out of this conversation right now.
  89. I should slow fade out of this entire event right now.
  90. How has it only been 20 minutes?!
  91. How long are you supposed to stay at these things?
  92. There’s a raffle…
  93. I should at least wait until they announce the winners.
  94. No, I can’t wait that long.
  95. I’m already buzzed, I can’t have any more wine.
  96. Wait – they’re OUT of wine?
  97. I’m definitely leaving.
  98. Seriously – WHY DO I GO TO THESE THINGS?
  99. Oh right – for the free food and wine!
  100. Until next time, awkward, pointless networking event…

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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