100 Thoughts I Have While On The Treadmill

For the sake of writing this article I pulled myself off the couch, away from the Netflix and canceled my pizza delivery order. Granted I’ve developed a love/hate relationship over the years with the blessing that is the treadmill. See when I’m consistent, the treadmill and I are unstoppable but when life gets in the way, it falls down the priority list, as it did recently. Thus I entered the gym with no expectations and allowed myself to become one with the treadmill, sounds very Zen doesn’t it? Hardly, if anything the treadmill is the place to either silence your thoughts or craft elaborate revenge fantasies ala Mindy Kaling.

So here are 100 thoughts I have while on the treadmill. Do you have any of these!?

1. Alright, which machine do I want?
2. That lonely looking one seems perfect.
3. Thank God there’s no one on either side of me.
4. Why are the treadmills always in the most visible spot?
5. Wait, are those people behind me looking at my butt?
6. Psych! Who am I kidding, I don’t have one, that’s why I’m here.
7. I shouldn’t have worn a hoodie.
8. It would be a red hoodie too.
9. Might as well announce to everyone that I am here.
10. Great there’s a spot for my phone, towel, keys and water.
11. Got to make sure I wipe this down first.
12. Ok let’s do this.
13. Where do I even begin?
14. Oh look at this, so many options.
15. Wow I feel like my mom looking at the iPhone.
16. It goes up and down?
17. Interval?
18. Performance?
19. I just want to run…
20. Variety?
21. Manual?
22. All these options remind me of the menu at Starbucks.
23. Oh Starbucks!
24. I could really go for a grande triple shot soy white mocha with whip right now.
25. FOCUS!
26. Right, chose an option.
27. Let’s do interval, it should be fine.
28. Select time?
29. Is 10 minutes too little?
30. Ugh fine I’ll do thirty minutes.
31. Speed?
32. 3 for walking, 7.5 for running?
33. Incline?
34. 10 for walking, 3 for running?
35. Sure…
36. Press quick start?
37. Is this thing going to shoot out from under me?
38. 5…
39. Nice, a countdown to my death…
40. *Looks in mirror* You got this, you are Rocky.
41. 1…
42. What happened to 4,3,2?!
43. Here we go.
44. Okay, headphones on.
45. Can they tell if I sing?
46. “All my life I got Money and Power…”
47. Nah, everyone’s grunting.
48. Anyways, oh we’re picking up speed.
49. I’m owning this machine.
50. Am I slowing down again?
51. Is this thing going uphill?
52. What am I eating after?
53. In N Out sounds bomb!
54. Animal Style Fries…
55. Wait, what does the machine want now?
56. Enter weight and age?
57. It knew I wanted fries…
58. This is an invasion of my privacy…
59. I guess it won’t hurt to enter it.
60. Should I put my real weight?
61. It can’t tell if I’m lying can it?
62. Is this over yet?
63. Crap, where did these people come from?
64. So Serena Williams is on my left and Julian Edellman is on my right.
65. Why do no average people come here when I do?
66. How did they get so fit?
67. They’re putting their headphones on.
68. I forgot I had mine.
69. Can’t go wrong with some more Rap.
70. Who am I kidding, this moment calls for Shake it Off.
71. I can totally run to this.
72. Speed’s picking up again.
73. I guess this is why it’s called interval.
74. Are they legit running?
75. I hate this, someone cancel my membership.
76. Why can fit people run and not sweat?
77. Ok let’s crank up the speed.
78. I’m going to peak and see how fast they’re going.
79. Speed 10!?
80. I can get there…
81. 7…
82. 5…
83. 8….
84. Oh now we’re traveling…
85. Am I panting?
86. Is this what Willy Coyote felt like?
87. Must… slow…. Down…
88. Phew we’re walking again!
89. My legs feel like Jello
90. All this running and I’m going nowhere.
91. Crap here we go again…
92. I can do this!
93. I am the Budweiser horse running…
94. I am Secretariat…
95. Why am I a horse?
96. Why is stopping?
97. Did I break it?
98. It’s over?
99. I can so do this again tomorrow!
100. I LOVE RUNNING!