Being a kid is actually bizarre. You are a small human who can’t make decisions, and you have no idea what is actually going on in the world around you. Your entire life is essentially “make believe.” School is a joke. You’re forced to take things like art class and gym. You have designated play time AKA recess. Because of all this, you have no worries in the world because you are handed a false outlook on what life is really like outside of childhood.
Let’s now look at being a kid specifically in the ’90s. That was even more bizarre. In addition to having a make believe life, you didn’t have the modern day technology kids have now. You didn’t have your own tablet. You didn’t have a cell phone. You watched live television on your television, and innocent Disney movies on VHS tapes. You also played – and not with your iPad or your parent’s Amazon Echo. You played with 90s toys with and/or without other kids.
In addition to life in general being too good to be true as a child, these 11 90s toys reallllllly did a number on kids. Like, where is my pink corvette. WHERE IS SHE?
1. Barbie Power Wheels Corvette
The fanciest of 90s toys was this little pink corvette. But if you give a kid an “adult-like car,” but you don’t tell the kid they will never actually afford a lifestyle where they’ll be able to buy a car like this, they might be upset when they grow up. How rude.
2. Barbie Jeep
Jeep wranglers are still cool, but definitely not the MOST realistic to own and use as your every day car. Especially with your friend riding shotgun with her hands up like its a god damn rollercoaster. It’s not. It’s just a jeep.
It’s also pink – again. Literally no cars are actually pink, unless you’re the fucking worst and you paint your car on your own.
3. Barbie – in general
Barbie definitely gave me unrealistic ideas, goals, wants, needs, etc as an adult. Where is my perfect body? Where is my long, perfect hair? Where is my ridiculous wardrobe? Why am I not a teacher, lawyer, doctor, rockstar, beach party goer, AND a mom? Wait, are you saying I CAN’T have it all? Because, like, Barbie said I could…
Side note: Don’t you wish someone nicknamed Barbie Barb? Like imagine if we all started calling her Barb? #JusticeForBarb
4. Playmobil Mansion Dollhouse
First of all, this is not even a dollhouse. It’s a mansion. Who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to give a young child a MANSION to play make believe in when in reality, all the grown up version of the child would be able to afford is rent for one half of one of these rooms in the doll mansion? Like, thank you Playmobil for giving me no interest in any home that is under 700k on the market RN.
5. Mall Madness
Two words, one giant problem: Credit cards. This board game made credit cards look like fun. But obviously, because spending a credit card was LITERALLY THE GAME. Credit cards are not a game. Spending money is not a game. Shopping is not a game. Unfortunately for me, though, I played Mall Madness, so sometimes I forget those things aren’t a game. That’s why I am indebted to Nordstrom for the rest of my life. THANKS A LOT MILTON BRADLEY.
Oh yeah, taking care of something IRL will be SO. EASY. Wait, no it won’t. Because humans and pets and even FLOWERS are not pixelated circles with two dots and a dash on the inside. They cannot be controlled by buttons. And they do not die when you forget to press buttons. Tamagotchi was THE premier 90s toy and a cool concept for the pre-technologically advanced childhood, but boy did it create false hope for how taking care of something would actually be.
7. Dream Phone
This game was like the non-technical version of Bumble. You decided who you were interested in based on pictures, first names, and mini bios. And then you had to call them on the phone, and someone would always like you back. But not in the real world. First of all, there are not this many attractive available men IRL. Second of all, no one likes to talk on the phone. Third, men are not this nice. Fourth, no. No. No. No. No. No.
8. Puppy and Kitty Surprise
Maybe this is just my opinion, but it’s not actually a good thing to be surprised with a bunch of puppies and/or kitties. Especially when you have no idea how many to expect. I mean it’s kind of cool, but animals cost money and they take a lot of time to take care of. And they have to go to the doctor. And AHHH. Being surprised by a bunch of animals is just not a good thing. Also, can we discuss why the “puppies” look like they are 40 year old men?
9. Easy Bake Oven
Cooking is not this easy. It’s way more time consuming, and the foods you cook should be way more healthier. This little device had ’90s kids thinking they could be the next Martha Stewart. But then she went to prison and we found out that 1. Baking IRL takes a lot more time than an Easy Bake Oven, 2. Gaining weight sucks, and 3. Kitchen Aids are fucking expensive.
10. Little Tikes Vanity
Omg! An adult-like vanity! A small glimpse into my future life! Just kidding, don’t get use to this. I don’t have a vanity, and I don’t even think I even want a vanity. But for some reason, because of this Little Tikes “toy,” I still view vanities as s symbol of adulthood. Like, if you have a vanity, you’ve really made it because you have an IRL version of a 90s toy. Why? Why was my adult life brainwashed by the weirdness that was the ’90s? Whyyyyyy?
11. Baby All Gone
What a weird fucking doll. Like, this baby literally just eats food, and then shits or pees it out. I mean, it’s much more realistic than taking care of a Tamagotchi, but there’s much more to nurturing a baby than feeding it and changing it’s diaper (at least I think – I actually have no idea).
Also, what kind of kid wants to have a doll that goes to the bathroom? All around weird fucking toy. Why. WHY.