1. You have left the bar early on numerous occasions to get pizza before the pizza place you want to go to closes. Or just because you NEED. PIZZA. NOW.

2. When the pizza place is closed, you raid a convenience store and buy frozen pizzas and bags of chips. Actually, you do this regardless of the pizza place being closed or not. The more food the better. You can’t help yourself. You have no shame. The best part: You eat 1/4th, maybe, of what you buy. Wasting money: a drunk eater’s second favorite activaty.

3. Drunk sex does not happen with another person. It happens with food. Some people crave sex while drunk. You crave carbs. In fact, you’ve actually turned down sex for food while drunk. Vodka doesn’t make this girl horny, vodka makes this girl want mac and cheese.  SORRY I CAN’T GO HOME WITH YOU. I’M GOING HOME WITH PIZZA. Don’t h8.

4. When people ask you to sleep over after a night out, you immediately panic because, like, will they have food? Will they even want to eat? You can’t go to bed without eating. That’s just not okay.

5. When you know you’re going to be sleeping somewhere else after a night of drinking, you bring snacks with you. And then you hide them from everyone. YOUR SNACKS. NOT THEIRS.

6. You have convinced yourself that if you don’t eat immediately after a night of drinking you will get super sick and have a horrible hangover the next day. Because it makes total sense that eating a box of Kraft mac and cheese with a slice of pizza and also some Chinese food won’t made you sick… Wait…

7. You have almost burned down your apartment making drunk food. Remembering to take stuff out of the oven is hard. Especially when you keep passing out on the couch.

8. You have come home blackout, made a bunch of food (or ordered it), but fell asleep before getting to eat it (or answer the phone call from Dominos). The amount of times I have woken up next to a full bowl of Annie’s mac and cheese is not okay. Also, the amount of times I’ve found uneaten french fries on top of my stove is not okay. After this happens, I’m never sure what I feel more of the next day — a hangover… or regret that I missed out on AND WASTED good food. Ugh, it’s back to kale now.

9. Alcohol is the reason you can’t lose weight. But not because you drink so much of it… Because once you start drinking, you can’t stop eating. Can you imagine how *thin* you would be if you didn’t drink? Can you?!?!

10. You have bought easy mac just so you will have it at home to eat when drunk. Like, you would never eat that stuff in sober reality. Gross. But when drunk? ALLLLLL THE EASY MAC.

11. When you’re out and know you have leftovers in the fridge at home, you literally think about them all night. You can’t have fun at the bar when you’re having FOMO about the pasta in your fridge from last night. But you had to go out, or you wouldn’t have an excuse to eat it.

12. Sometimes you wonder if the only reason you like getting drunk is because it’s your excuse to eat literally everything. Calories don’t count when you’re drunk. Right? Right.



Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.


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