1. I’m going to bed so early tonight.

*Lays in bed on Instagram for 2 hours*


2. I’ll just pay it back right away.

*Racks up $1200 in credit card debt on your Express Next card*


3. It’s fine, I got paid today.

*I’ll just conveniently forget that I also have to pay for rent and food and life*

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4. He’s probably in the shower.

*Grows old and dies waiting for the guy to text you back*


5. It’s healthy fat.

*Eats 6 avocados for dinner*


6. One more drink won’t kill me.

*Spends the next 3 days hungover*

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7. I’m an adult now, I can afford (insert splurge purchase here).

*Lives off of cereal and PB&J*

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8. I don’t need to do laundry that often.

*Looks longingly at your favorite underwear at the bottom of the hamper*

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9. I just need to run to Target for one thing.

*Hires movers to carry all of your purchases out of the store*


10. I don’t need a boyfriend, being single rocks.

*Buys boyfriend pillow and a cat*

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11. Doctors say red wine is healthy.

*Drinks entire bottle*


12. I’ll work out tomorrow.




Hillary Bautch is a Wisconsin girl living in Boston, where she can often be found double-fisting cups of coffee. She takes pleasure in making other people feel awkward and purposely does weird stuff so she can write about it later. Hillary enjoys eating pizza, watching other people fall down on ice skates, and complaining about how much she wants a dog. Follow her random musings and sarcastic rants at @hillarybautch.

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