I travel a lot. Not like, every other week, but enough that I have had my fair share of airport experiences and security check line fiascos. Because of this, I have run into a lot of different people from a lot of different places. And let me tell you—people at airports are the worst.


1. People who talk loudly on their phone at the gate are the worst. Please do not sit at our gate and tell someone your entire life story over the phone. I don’t care that you’re taking a the bus from the airport and then Susie is picking you up at the station. TEXT MESSAGES, PEOPLE.

2. People who talk loudly to their friends are the worst. Cool, I get it, you have a travel companion/friend/lover with you. I don’t need to hear your entire conversation from the other side of the gate.

3. People who eat loudly are the worst. One time I was waiting at a gate and a very rude man—I kid you not—was slurping on a bagel near me. And when I say near me, I mean 10-15 feet away from me and I should not have been able to hear him.

4. Couples who don’t care about PDA are the worst. I know that you’re in love or whatever and I’m really happy for you (really!), but is it necessary to cuddle in the middle of the airport? Maybe when I eventually find a boyfriend/travel companion I’ll feel differently about this, but until then I don’t want to see it.

5. People that make you “watch their stuff” are the worst. YES we’ve all done this but it needs to stop. Me watching your stuff is no safer than you just leaving it there and trusting humans to not be complete assholes. And if you’re just walking to the garbage can, in clear eyeshot of your bags, my answer will be no.

6. People who are in a rush to get in the boarding line are the worst. Hey buddy, we all have tickets for this flight. That means, in one way or another, we will all make it on the plane. Calm TF down.

7. People with crying babies are the worst. I love babies as much as the next girl, but if your baby is small enough that it will start crying and not stop, please remove yourself from the area. Again, I may feel differently about this when I eventually have kids, but for now I will be wearing earplugs.

8. People who hog the outlets at the gate are the worst. There are a limited number of outlets at each gate. Please do not sit in front of all of them when you’re not even using them. And please do not plug in each of your 16 electronics. Leave some for the rest of us.

9. People who think they’re entitled to free upgrades are the worst. “Don’t you know who I am?!? I’m a Double Platinum Elite Silver Star member!” No. Get to the back of the line.

10. People who still don’t understand how to go through security are the worst. “Oh, you mean I have to take my laptop out of my bag? Omg so sorry I had no idea!” You are a lying and everyone hates you right now.

11. People who sprawl out across the seats are the worst. We’re all tired, okay? You are no more tired than everyone else at this gate and therefore are not entitled to use up 5 seats for your napping pleasure.

12. People who have 6 carry-on bags are the worst. If you “accidentally” hit me with that duffel bag one more time…


Hillary Bautch is a Wisconsin girl living in Boston, where she can often be found double-fisting cups of coffee. She takes pleasure in making other people feel awkward and purposely does weird stuff so she can write about it later. Hillary enjoys eating pizza, watching other people fall down on ice skates, and complaining about how much she wants a dog. Follow her random musings and sarcastic rants at @hillarybautch.

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