1. Ugh, I’m tired. Ugh, it’s early. This whole thing is, like, a lot of effort. Do I even want to do this anymore? Not really, but I think I have to now.

2. Waaaaaait a minute, don’t go near my mouth. My breath may or may not smell like giraffe poo. Sorry I’m not sorry. Why are you sleeping with me again?

3. Why can’t sex be like it is in the movies? Why can’t we just take off our pants and instantly start fucking? Who made up this whole foreplay thing? I just want it to go inside. None of this foreplay shit. IT’S 6AM. WHY IS LIFE SO HARD?

4. I’m pretty sure its way too cold right now for me to take my clothes off. Seriously, how am I supposed to get my underwear off without letting any of my skin see the light of day? MUST. NOT. TAKE. BLANKET. OFF. Maybe morning sex will help me become warm so I can actually take the covers off in order to get ready for the day. This could be a good thing.

5. Don’t think you’re getting away with not being on top. I literally have no energy right now. Oh, you don’t either? Well I don’t fucking care. I can’t be on top until I’ve had at least 3 cups of coffee, duh.

6. I’m really hungry. Like, really really hungry. Wait, that kind of feels good. But wait, I’m really really hungry. I wonder how long this will go on for… Cottage cheese is calling my name…

7. Ughhhhh, now I’m going to have to shower. And wash my hair. NOOOOOOOOO.

8. I wonder if this sex will give me a glow. I have the potential to look really fucking good today. I wonder if anyone will be able to tell I had sex at work. Am I going to give off that vibe? GOSH, I’M SO FIERCE. AND SEXUAL.

9. I wonder if I’ll weigh less this morning now that I’ve had sex. I mean, I basically just worked out, right? Does this mean I can skip the gym today?

10. Wow, that was amazing. I mean, I think that was amazing. Or maybe it was just mediocre. Or maybe it sucked. I don’t know. But seriously. What just happened? Sex took all the energy I didn’t have this morning and now I want to go to sleep. BUT I CAN’T. I have to go to work. Why.

11. NOW MUST PEE TO AVOID UTI. The struggle is real.


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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