I love makeup. In fact, I love makeup so much, I’m a very important person at Sephora. Okay, just kidding. I’m a “VIB,” and so is, like, 90% of their clientele.

I don’t know how to contour. I sometime don’t wear makeup to work. And most days, I throw on some foundation with eyeliner and call it a day, even though the makeup comes off in two hours. But thanks to Sephora crowning me a VIB last year, I consider myself a master. A master at makeup or spending money on makeup, you ask? That’s TBD. But whatever. I like makeup and I’m going to write about it.

Below is a list of all of my favorite beauty products, in order of when I put them on during my routine.



Benefit Boi-ing Full Coverage Concealer, $20

I don’t normally wear concealer, but a few weeks ago, I got a big ass pimple. I got my eyebrows done at Benefit Brow Bar the day of the pimple and the ladies there showed me this concealer. They put it on me, and the pimple disappeared. It was magic. It even helps to hide the bags under eyes. I never get enough sleep, and this stuff has been making me look at least half alive. Or at least I think it has.



Make Up Forever Ultra HD Invisible Cover Foundation, $43

I used Laura Mercier’s Tinted Moisturizer ($44) for years. In the last two years or so, though, my skin hasn’t been as good as it used to be. I started my foundation search with Urban Decay’s, which was fine, but once I discovered Make Up For Ever, there was no going back. I put on a small amount for limited coverage and a decent amount for a lot of coverage on those days when my skin is being rude (hello, period) or when I’m doing something on-camera (this is rare but still).



Too Faced Beach Bunny Custom-Blend Bronzer, $30

I have sworn by this bronzer since 2011. And not just Too Faced Bronzer in general. It HAS to be Beach Bunny. I’ve tried the other colors and color combos, and they just do not work as good. It doesn’t just help me look ‘tan.’ In fact, I’m not trying to look ‘tan’ anymore. I’m an adult, and if my body isn’t tan, I can’t parade around with a sparkly faceIthat is a different color from the rest of me. I also don’t have time to put bronzer all over my body like we did in college (that was a bad phase). I’m just trying to add some color to bring my face to life. Beach Bunny does that.


Eye Primer

I ONLY use primer on my eyes when I have a big, important day and I want my makeup to last a long time, or when I’m going out. And not just going out to a bar — When I’m going OUT to a bar. I’m pretty sure the only reason I know eyeshadow primer exists is because I got a sample of it with my Beauty Insider points once. Eyeshadow primer officially brought me on the inside I think.


Eye Shadow

Urban Decay Naked2 Palette, $54

For years, I used Too Faced’s Natural Eye Neutral Eye Shadow palette ($36). I got it in a PopSugar Must-Have Box. I knew everyone was obsessed with Naked’s eye shadow palette, but I also knew it was expensive, and I was doing fine with my Too Faced shadow collection. Then one day, I was feeling rich and gave in to the Naked palette. Did I actually have the extra money lying around to buy it? No. But I had just gotten an offer for a new job, and what better place to celebrate than Sephora? In all honesty, I’m happy I bought the Naked palette. It’s already lasting longer than my old Too Faced palettes, and the color selections are 100%. My review: Don’t fight the basic-ness of the Naked palette; it’s, like, actually worth it.


Eye Liner

Sephora Retractable Waterproof Eyeliner, $12

I used to use Make Up For Ever’s retractable eyeliner, but they came out with a new eyeliner and it’s not retractable. Right now, I’m actually using Marc Jacobs Beauty Crayon Eyeliner ($25) because I got it as a birthday gift from Sephora. It smudges easily, though, so I’m not sure I’ll buy a full size version. Sephora brand is definitely my favorite. And when I don’t feel like hitting up Sephora, Maybelline’s Unstoppable Eyeliner ($5.39), which you can get at the drugstore, is good too.



Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara, $23

Spoiler alert: This mascara is not better than sex, but if makeup was sexual, this mascara would be the climax of beauty products. Like everyone, I used to use Maybelline’s mascara ($4.65), which they now have a million different kinds of. Then, I started using Benefit’s They’re Real Mascara ($24). I switched between Benefit and Too Faced mascara for a while, and I decided Too Faced was my favorite. A warning: sometimes you can get a messed up mascara that clumps up WAY too easily. If this happens, don’t just give it a bad review. Bring it back to the store and get one that isn’t clumpy. The mascara isn’t supposed to be like that. Same goes for the waterproof version ($23), which I’m using right now and like.


Eyebrow Stuff

Benefit Gimme Brow Gel, $24

Benefit Brow Zings Tame & Shape Kit, $32

Benefit Ka-BROW! Cream-Gel Eyebrow Color with Brush, $24

One year ago, this month, I got my eyebrows done for THE FIRST TIME. Believe it or not, I went 27 years without waxing my eyebrows. I started plucking them in the 10th grade, and then I nearly plucked them all off. For years, I thought having a narrow, straight line above each of my eyes was hot AF. I was wrong. We were all wrong. So eventually I stopped being a pussy and let a random person wax my face. I now get my brows done at Benefit Brow Bar once every 6-8 weeks. And when I’m really putting on makeup, I’ll brush Gimme Brush through them. And if I’m feeling REALLY nuts, I’ll color Brow Zings gel into my brows and brush it through. Ka-BROW, Benefit’s very new product, also works great, but I haven’t mastered it yet. When I do though, it may phase out the rest of my brow routine.



tarte Amazonian 12-Hour Blush, $28

I don’t usually wear blush, and TBH, they all used to look the same to me. But that’s why I wasn’t wearing it often. My drug store blush was so intense, I would look like a doll who had red cheeks when I put it on. That is, until I found tarte’s blush in my Pop Sugar Must-Have Box. It added some color to my cheeks without making me look like a fucking idiot. I still use it.



Kat Von D Studded Kiss Lipstick ($21)
My color pick: Mötorhead – matte black cherry

Clinique Chubby Stick Lip Balm ($17)
My color pick: Mightiest Maraschino – classic red

A long, long time ago in a world far away, I was an asshole. It was the 8th grade, and I brought about 7-10 different lip glosses to school every day and laid them out on my desk for everyone to see. I think I wore enough lip gloss in middle school to last me a lifetime because I’m pretty sure I haven’t really worn it since. When lipstick started to make a comeback, I tried to wear gloss as a finish, but I didn’t understand the appeal. The gloss faded away after a few minutes and then I had to re-apply and re-apply until the bottle was gone and I needed a new one. Like, you guys, I think lip gloss is a ponzi scheme. Anyway, lipstick is still cool. See my faves above.



Sephora Sparkle & Shine Brush Set, $54 ($120 value)

I do not own this brush set, but I LOVE THEM. I wanted them last year, but I couldn’t buy them for myself because, well, I own similar Sephora versions of each of them and I didn’t need them. But they’re gold! And pretty! If you need brushes, or your old brushes need an upgrade, get these. Unless you hate gold. But if that’s the case, what are you doing reading my website? Go away! We have nothing in common!


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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