1. The first thing you do when you wake up every morning is check your phone. 1. Check texts. 2. Check email. 3. Check Facebook. 4. Check Twitter. 5. Check Instagram. 6. Check Timehop. 7. Check weather. You’ve got a routine and you don’t hate it.

2. You somehow manage to use at least 10% of your battery between waking up and leaving your home for work. How does that even happen? You just opened all your apps and refreshed 20 newsfeeds 6 times. NBD.

3. You always have a million apps open. And you aren’t sure how and when half of them were turned on. It’s like you blackout using your phone sometimes and just click things compulsively. You don’t even know what you’re clicking. You’re just, like, opening all of your apps without even realizing what you’re doing. The exorcism of the iPhone user.

4. When surrounded by people in a public setting with no one you know, you don’t know what else to do except refresh your newsfeed over and over and over and over. You literally always find something to look at on your phone. All those people around you on your morning commute? You’ve never actually looked at any of them. You’ve just stared lovingly into your Facebook newsfeed. After all, yours is the newsfeed that never ends, and it goes on and on my friends. Wait…

5. You take your phone with you to the bathroom at work. Because someone could text you, or email you, or FB chat you, or like your most recent Instagram photo, etc etc when you are away from your desk for approximately two minutes to pee, and you can’t miss those important moments. If you’re doing that other thing that girls obviously don’t do in the bathroom, bringing your phone with you doesn’t make you obsessed. It just makes you normal.

6. This is a symbol of fear, anxiety, and depression all at the same time.


7. You actually don’t know what to do in a social setting when no one is talking to you without your phone. Drink in one hand, phone in the other. No phone? MASS ANXIETY.

8. Going out to dinner isn’t easy. Is it okay to be that person and leave you phone face up on the table next to your plate when everyone else seems to be keeping their phones tucked away in their bags? I mean, don’t they care they might miss a phone call, or a text, or a Facebook notification? What is wrong with these people?!?!?

9. You love the beach, but the thought of going there makes you anxious because YOU NEVER GET F*CKING SERVICE. You should just move to Israel. Their beaches have FREE WIFI. How does this not exist in the US. What is this? A CENTER FOR ANTS?

10. The day Verizon decided to rid of unlimited data plans was the worst day of your life. Okay, maybe not the worst day, but it was up there. Actually, every day since this happened has been the worst day of your life. And the days when you run out of data? Those are even worse than the worst days of your life. If only you lived on a beach in Israel…

11. People are always yelling at you to get off your phone. Your mom at the grocery store. Your friends at the bar. Your boss in a meeting. They just don’t understand. YOU CAN’T STOP.

12. This is what any relationship you are involved in looks like:

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13. If someone else can drive, they’re driving. The anxiety that ensues from having to drive and not being able to check your phone is not okay. Long road trips? OH MY GOD, THE HORROR.

14. Some people ask their friend’s advice on outfits… You just take a picture with your phone and let that be your guide. A picture on a phone is how others will perceive you. Basically, a phone will never lie to you. If you look fat, it will tell you. If you look hot, it will tell you. Besties for life? Nahhhh, you’re like sisters.

15. You sleep next to your charging phone every night. And you can never fall asleep because it’s always there for you to compulsively check. Sometimes you try to turn and sleep facing opposite your phone, but that always fails. You just can’t stop turning back for more. <3Phone<3


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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